She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[LoginName]

normal reaction for them. Don't stop the changes though. Keep it up for you. She'll suspect it's all a chirade, that your faking it to win her back. You have to keep it up over time, and do it for yourself.

keep up the good work

[LoginName]

I think she knows you love her, want her and are there for her. You don't need to tell her.

Unconditional love. Loving without ANY expectation of anything in return, including spending time with you, saying ILY in return, returning emails, even simple thankyous. Love without trying to help, fix, or guide. Just love her. Even if she never knows how you love her - totally unconditionally. Tricky, sometimes difficult, but I bet you can do it, and are doing it.

You posted on my thread that I was lucky and you'd trade places with me. You're right, I am lucky. You're lucky too. As you pointed out, many have gone much further down the road, there are A's, alchoholism, depression, etc. You're lucky in many ways. And your sitch still looks really positive.

[LoginName]

Yes, these are positive, I caution you though, don't try to guess what she is thinking, or if she's disconnected. Right, don't overthink.

In my sitch, I always saw the biggest changes in my W, I always saw her come closer, the more I detached. Counterintuitive, but true. When I stopped thinking about her, what she was doing, what she was feeling and thinking, then I was able to better be myself, to better GAL, and then she would call, or do something to move toward me.

Really, don't try to guess what an email, or her words or anything she does might really mean.

[minkerman]

Thanks for all the observations and advice, LN.

I have been pretty much ignoring her for a couple of days, and the last time we spoke we agreed to a 2 week no-contact period. I went to a dance last night (solo), which is pretty out of character for me, but I had committed to being the DJ so I had to go.

Anyway, this morning W called me and asked if I wanted to come and see her place. I said sure, sounds good, maybe we can grab some lunch.

So I went over, got a nice hug and kiss and we sat down to chat. We each had a couple of beers then went out for lunch. The whole time I was very supportive but MAN was it hard not to feel blue. I saw all the things I love about her, and the new changes are not unattractive to me. I have so much respect for what she is doing, but at the same time I wish she would just come home.

So at one point in the afternoon, she told me she was so sorry but she thinks she will be moving forward with her life. Not what I wanted to hear. I said, so do you want me to start getting everything ready to sell and sit down with a lawyer? No, no, it's not time for that yet, she says. Let's just sit on things and see where it goes. I said, well it looks like you've made up your mind. She said it is really hard for her to let go, because we have been together so long. She just really wants to be sure before making any decision.

We spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling on the couch (2 hours) and just watching the cloud formations over the water. It was really nice, and she was so sweet to me the rest of the day. She cried a ton, and kept saying she was sorry for what she is doing to me and to us.

She mentioned my GAL efforts many times today, and said she has been telling people about it.

But it looks like the door is closing on our relationship, it is so depressing and confusing to me.

[LoginName]

nope, MM, it's not over. Detach, detach, detach. It'a marathon, longer than a marathon, this is still way too early for any ending.

She obviously likes you. She just needs time. Remember, it's not about you. She isn't rejecting you, even if it feels that way. Give her space. It's about her. Let her breath. Back off.

I don't think you need to ignore her. If she asks a question, answer it. but don't initiate communication and don't talk about R (IF she brings it up, maybe, talk some, but be slow and wary, not dishonest, just take it slow.)

If she asks for some time, like the 2 weeks, honor it.

Take youself out of this. Take your ego out of this. You aren't being judged, and found lacking. It's not you. It's all her.

It's a huge risk, but one where the odds are secretly in your favor. You can't lose. It's probably best you don't think you'll eventually get her back. If you act as if she is gone, DETACH, then you give her the real space she needs to find what she needs.

Unconditional love. It's not about you.

Now, what is about you: keep GALing and do it for yourself. You don't have to do anything to impress her. If you like it, do it, even if it would seem lame to her or someone else. If you try to impress her, she'll see through it. This is all about you, not her.

It's one of those contridictions: the more you detach, the more you concentrate on yourself, the better your chances of there being a new M/R in the future. The more you don't desire it, the more likely you'll get it.

So you can't lose. You'll be a better person: stronger, healthier, happier, and get her back, or you'll be a better person without her.

Your sitch, and mine too, are not nearly as bad as some, but we still feel the pain and feel the insecurity. It's not easy, but you can do it. It's in your nature. You're strong enough, you're built strong enough, to do this. Again you can't lose.

Detach, Give Her Space. Be supportive, practice Unconditional love, but dont' initiate R talk.

Good luck, MM, get ready for a long trip, longer than you'll think.

[minkerman]

Thank you LN, for taking the time to post on my thread. I will be a DB machine over the next while...I hope I have the strength.

[minkerman]

I sent her an email last night, pretty innocent and non-R:

Thanks for such a nice day! I enjoyed lunch and just hanging out with ya. Even if I was a tad hung over ~

Also, I'm glad you feel that your stress is reducing and you're feeling better about life in general :-) That is so very important.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. Good luck with the work issues this week too.

Love MM

Didn't expect a response, but I got one:

I enjoyed our day together as well. Thanks for spending the time. It was nice.

W

So now...I go a little quiet.

[minkerman]

One last thing, which I think is important. She said ILY twice yesterday. Not in a way you would normally say it, more like a "I find it so hard to think about letting go, because I love you so much".

I think that's a positive.

I told her "I love you too, honey." No more than that. I also told her that no matter what happens, I will be her best friend to the day we die. She said "I know."

[LoginName]

see, MM, our sitches aren't so bad (even if it hurts like hell). Now really start detaching. Don't think about her all day. Don't email her. You can respond if she emails you, but don't initiate.

It may seem wrong. She says ILY. You should push now to solve the problem, resolve the issues.

It doesn't work that way. She really needs the space. Give it to her. She needs time. Give it to her. And use that time for yourself so it's not wasted.

I've read too many sitches, and I've been through enough myself, to tell you this is true. Detach, for her and yourself. Back off. Give her space. If you give her too mcuh, she'll let you know (don't worry, you won't give her too much)

[minkerman]

Yes, you are right, LN. Detach, detach, detach. But still let her know I'm still here, from time to time. No R talk. Space. Initiate contact rarely. Validate. Agree. Yes, W, I understand why you would feel that way.

I know the drill, now let's see if I can do it

Had a great online chat with my son (25 yrs) tonight...I don't know how we raised such an awesome, grounded and aware kid, but he is actually giving me advice. And it's good advice. He of course is not choosing sides because there isn't a side to choose - nobody's "wrong" here.

Our 22yr old daughter just wants Mom and Dad back together again.

Our friends are very supportive of both of us.

It's so great that we have all these awesome people and their love surrounding us.