Aimhigh, only 3 posts so far but you seem to have wisdom. How is it that you are so new?
Kimmie, calm and peaceful now. You're upset, sure. OW, husband moving out, filing for divorce. How tough this is for you. I hate this. If you want to DB, here is your most excellent chance to do it. I don't mean to be flip, but .. this is the challenge in front of you.
I like what aimhigh has to say. I like those suggestions.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I don't feel that I have gone all that dark though. I had lunch with H about a week ago, and then I called and accidentally woke him up just two days ago to wish him Happy B-Day. He was clearly irritated by it.
As far as me trying to make any progress with Step-D, she loves that H and I are getting a D. Splitting us up is what she always wanted and H completely defers to her now because he's scared she'll run away again. Trust me, I have tried with that girl. She is very manipulative and lies to her dad about me all the time. And he believes her. No way am I giving her any more ammunition to use against me.
Any "help" I try to offer H with Step-D will not be welcome. I am leaving that alone for now. I listen with interest when H tells me about Step-D's activities and such, but I don't offer advice. I just validate what he says, let him know that I am delighted that she is doing well in school, or whatever it is that H tells me about her. What more can I do at this point? I am letting H take the lead.
My C has said that she and her dad won't last the way things are though, because she'll leave soon after turning 18 anyway. This is H's last-ditch effort to "raise her", and it's too little too late. Step-D chafes at authority now, and like I said, H defers to her wishes most of the time so she won't bolt.
Plus, H has a problem with the way she dresses, her friends, etc. H has a problem with just about everything and he wants to move to Oregon with her after she graduates high school. H figures if he can get her away from her friends, that will solve everything.
I feel that H has unrealistic goals right now, and maybe that is common with the clinically depressed. It's very difficult for me to navigate through this minefield and I think that I should be careful about sending up too many trial balloons.
If anyone has any advice for dealing with a clinically depressed H, I would be happy to hear it. He has been on meds and had therapy for years, but it hasn't helped. I am H's third W. He finds fault with everyone.
Wow, Kimmie, that is a lot of information that you shared. One thing that I have not seen mentioned, however, is a biological mother. Is she in the the picture at all?
You have been involved with this child since she was 4 or 5, as far as I can tell. And I have walked in your shoes, too. My late husband (he died in 1993) had a passle of children from age 2 on up when I married him. And of course, since I was not "their mother" they did not think they had to listen to me. Over time, that got better... but when there was conflict, I always deferred to their dad. It was so much easier that way, and actually paved the way for good relations between the kids and me. Remember, too, that there is a special bond between dads and thier daughters- the same as there is between mothers and sons. Don't ask me why. There just is.
So, your new behavior of asking and validating without criticizing or making suggestions is very good. It lets HIM be the primary decision maker about his own child, good or bad.
But I also know it is tough, especially if he seems ill equipped to be making good decisions. Men, as far as I have discerned, tend to be "looser", and less authoritarian than maybe they should be. Adhering to rules seems to be more difficult. Dads seems less able to look at long term consequences of bad behavior, and more forgiving of it. Now I know I will be lambasted for such a comment, but as I said, this is what I have seen and learned from the men that I have had in my life. I am sure that there are plenty of fathers out there who truly look at the "big picture' when it comes to raising children. But a lot of them don't. They look at today, and today only.
As for dealing with the clincially depressed, that is really tough. If they don't see the problem realistically, then it is hard to get appropriate treatment. For them, oftentimes their reality is that "change is too difficult and it's not going to work anyway" and since they don't have the energy to even make small changes, anything big is impossible. It would be nice if they could see the value in "baby steps", but oftentimes they don't.
Step's bio-mom lives out of state. The little darling has bounced back and forth a few times, but now seems very happy with the freedom her dad gives her.
Trouble is, H is very disapproving of her friends, clothes, etc. I know he must be fuming inside, while biting his tongue, but he needs to get over wanting to control these things. She is weeks away from her 18th B-Day....heh.....sure glad that I am not involved at this time. She's H's problem and there is no one left to blame now that he has kicked me to the curb.
Hmmmm.....I let my text box get full and now it rejects incoming messages. That's what I wanted because I don't want to respond to any more texts from H. Too easy for him if you ask me. I want H to at least call and hear my voice.
Is that wrong?
Oh, and does the texter know if their messages are being rejected? Do they get an alert on their phone too? I know, I'm a techno-dolt.
"I want H to at least call and hear my voice" A better idea may be to state what you want and say "I would prefer if we spoke as it makes for much clearer communication " If he doesn't want to , he doesn't want to! But, why do you want this anyway? Is it for clearer communication or because you feel hurt that he doesn't want to talk to you so you're gonna make him? That's called revenge. So, don't force things unless there is a legimtimate reason for doing so.
Why do I want this? Because it hurts me too much to read the cold, impersonal texts and I'm taking care of myself.
And, since I was advised before that if seeing H hurt me too much, then I didn't have to meet him for lunch. I would assume that I don't have to answer his texts either. I have seen other posters here who were encouraged not to answer each and every call, text, email, whatever.
I do know what you mean but my W talks to me and it's in a cold impersonal manner, I can't do anything about it but accept that is where she's at. It does hurt to think that after 17 years of M and being a good H this is what it has come down to. Bottom line is we can't control what they do for the most part. I just think that if you force your H to talk you will get the same coldness only in person! It's not easy, is it.
I am expecting D papers any time now. At least I think I am. H said he started proceedings the last time I saw him a few weeks ago and he's been telling mutual friends the same thing.
I just hate waiting for the shoe to drop and I was wondering how to cope when it actually happens. Ewwww.....I feel sick right now.
