Confusion of a WAW (Thread 6)

[Just_Me]

W then IM'd me to let me know she is being sued for some credit card she owes $7k on and wanted to know if she can use the law firm I use for stuff

Aka, "just wanted you to know I'm in financial dire straights if you want to volunteer to bail me out." If this is a hole that she entirely dug for herself, then don't bail her out. The hard part is that when someone is looking for help, sometimes just offering sympathy and helpful advice is kind of aggravating to the one wanting help.

(1:04:08 PM) W: LOL
(1:04:21 PM) W: I have to laugh at what a sucker I've been over the years
(1:04:29 PM) H: why do you say that?
(1:04:42 PM) W: I've let myself be so used by people
(1:04:57 PM) W: always trying to solve their problems and not focusing on my own
(1:05:24 PM) W: I totally deserve all of this

I can't tell if she's trying to start a fight, trying to blame me, or looking for pity. We talked for a little bit, but she was pretty angry and wasn't really listening to anything I said. Then she logged out and hasn't come back yet...

I guess tonight is going to be fun. Not dreaded going home for a LONG time.

[Just_Me]

I guess tonight is going to be fun. Not dreaded going home for a LONG time

Any way to put that off? Is there something else you could be doing?

Any way to put that off? Is there something else you could be doing?

W called me after she left work and asked who was going to pick up D - Told her I would, so she said she'd meet me at home for dinner. Sounded pretty friendly and happy.

Got home and she was making dinner. Didn't really talk much to either me or D - Just seemed very agitated and annoyed. I ended up giving D a bath and getting her ready for bed. W was baking a bunch of cakes, which is a pretty good sign she's stressed out.

She hasn't mentioned her money problems, and I've not brought it up - Probably just going to keep my mouth shut unless she starts a conversation. Pretty much whenever I ask her something I'll either get a one word response, or nothing.

*shrug*

[lizzy]

Hi Brit. I don't think you should bail wife out w/ the retainer. However, I don't know how you should tell her that. What about her family? Can't they help her?

Hi Brit. I don't think you should bail wife out w/ the retainer. However, I don't know how you should tell her that. What about her family? Can't they help her?

Well, we just had a pretty stressful R talk - W was upset that when she came to me today with a problem I didn't step up and help her (to use her words). She said that I never solved problems when we were together, and that I'm still not. Guess I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't.

She told me that the last two weeks have been really stressful and she felt that I've not respected her. Said she feels like she's back to square one with being here. I told her that I felt stressed being here and I was looking forward to moving into my own place.

She actually seemed very upset that we're so unhappy together. She admitted that pretty much nothing makes her happy anymore and she misses the person that she was, but she feels like that person is dead now.

W ended up going upstairs to relax for a while - I'm just going to give her some space and let her wind down before going to bed. I offered to help her work on solving her money problems (I didn't say I'd give her money - I said that I could help her figure out the best way to handle it all).

So, I'm totally confused now - Not sure how I should handle it all. Obviously I screwed up by not taking the 'bull by the horns' today with the whole thing.

Maybe it's totally the wrong thing to do, but I think I need to let W open up to me and let her talk about what is bothering her. I think there is a LOAD of stuff that she has bottled up that she hasn't talked to anyone about - She started off our conversation tonight complaining about her parents and how difficult they are to deal with.

As retarded as it sounds, she actually seemed disappointed that things were not better with us - She said that she hoped the separation would help us get over some things... Maybe we just need more separation, maybe we need more time apart. I think that if I get a really good home together in my new place and show W that I can be successful on my own that it will go a long way. She keeps telling me how great my life is, and how crappy her's is... Almost like she thinks that I'm coming out of this smelling of roses.

Part of me wants to take the money stuff off her hands, at least in terms of figuring out what to do - She thinks I don't care, and that I never did. I've no idea if that would cause more problems, or piss her off. I really have no clue what to do right now...

However, I don't know how you should tell her that. What about her family? Can't they help her?

Forgot to comment on this - Her parents can't help her out anymore because she already borrowed a load of money from them when she moved here. Can they? Probably. Will they? I doubt it.

And she won't ask them anyway - She's doesn't want to deal with them at all.

[smith18]

I get the feeling that her parents wont give her the money which they have given in the past and now she is saying bad things about them. Now it sounds like she expects you to bail her out. If you do and then she needs to be bailed out again and you refuse, then she will just say the same thing about you as her parents. You just have to let her get herself out of this. OM surely cant help her. She needs to take responsibility for her own mess. Maybe she fails. Maybe utter failure is what she needs to come to a real awakening.

I feel for your situation as you sound like you are trying so hard. You are deligent in analyzing your progress, but it seems like you are not getting very far with her. Will she ever come out of her depressed state - no one knows that and only she can do it.

I get the feeling that her parents wont give her the money which they have given in the past and now she is saying bad things about them. Now it sounds like she expects you to bail her out. If you do and then she needs to be bailed out again and you refuse, then she will just say the same thing about you as her parents. You just have to let her get herself out of this. OM surely cant help her. She needs to take responsibility for her own mess. Maybe she fails. Maybe utter failure is what she needs to come to a real awakening.

If utter failure is what is needed, I think she's almost there - Last night was a horrible reminder of the week before she moved out when she had all kinds of problems.

I went up to bed last night after I made my last post, and we ended up talking for a little while - I don't think I've seen my W cry in four months like she did last night. Basically it came down to "I always take care of people, and no one ever takes care of me". I really just listened a lot, but when we went to sleep an ILY fell out and she got mad - On the plus side, she did say that she'd rather I show her with actions that I love her, rather than tell her, so I took that as her at least being open to me working with her a little on some things.

I don't think right now she is in any state to deal with much - Her coping skills are non-existent and I think given the opportunity, she'd just stick her head in the sand and let the world fall on her.

I feel for your situation as you sound like you are trying so hard. You are deligent in analyzing your progress, but it seems like you are not getting very far with her. Will she ever come out of her depressed state - no one knows that and only she can do it.

This morning she was pretty frustrated, so I just left her alone - After I got ready and W had got D dressed, I just told her "I'll set you up an appt with a therapist today - Is there any day that doesn't work?". She said there wasn't, and I gave her a hug - Got a nice hug from her too. When I was leaving I got hug, kiss as usual, and I told her ILY. Surprisingly she told me ILY too, and she thanked me for helping her.

Maybe it's totally the wrong thing to do right now, but she seems to be responding positively to me doing things for her like this (even though she tells me she can't trust me and doesn't want me around). It doesn't cost me anything to make some calls for her and set up an appt, but I know she isn't going to do it on her own.

The one thing I've realized through my sitch is that while my W strives to be a very independent person, she really doesn't have the ability to do it - She'll refuse help from people until they just do stuff for her, and she'll push everyone away who makes her feel 'controlled'. You'd think pretty much forcing someone to go to therapy would be considered controlling, but it wasn't - It was helping, at least today.

If W isn't at rock bottom right now, she's pretty damn close. I guess I should take it as a positive sign that she came to me when things got so bad she couldn't handle it herself.

[Just_Me]

Well, we just had a pretty stressful R talk - W was upset that when she came to me today with a problem I didn't step up and help her (to use her words). She said that I never solved problems when we were together, and that I'm still not. Guess I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't

Yep, classic damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's impossible to know what is right. I think her "solution" would be for you to bail her out financially. And I think it still shows her mindset that she would generalize about how you don't help solve problems and refer back to the marriage.

One thing that occurred with me was that I was being too aloof and doing too much LRT and GAL. My W complained that it appeared I didn't care and that I was fine with all of this. I debate that with myself and in the long run I think it wouldn't have made a difference if it appeared I was still hanging on to her as tight as possible. That wasn't the place she was at. I think she was upset that it appeared I was fine with the seperation/pending divorce, but that she still didn't want me. She just wanted to feel wanted. If she was really interested, she would have made an effort to get me back, not just complaining one time and then proceeding with divorce. That isn't what you do when you are having second thoughts.

I get the sense your wife is in a similar place. I think she's upset that you don't seem still crushed by this, as though that speaks about how much she meant to you (which would help the old self-esteem), but if you flat at told her that you'd be with her in a heartbeat, she'd backpedal pretty fast and remind you that it's over. It's all part of not reading too much into what they have to say, and not believing everything they say at face value.

That being said, I think you should probably say, "I'm sorry I didn't help you through this. If you want to work through it I'm here." But I really think she probably wants more than words and advice from you. She probably would prefer cash. Nothing like giving you a mini-bomb to help grease the wheels. You'll have to decide for yourself how you feel about that, but she should understand that divorced people don't bail each other out financially. Would she give you the money for a big credit card bill if you were the one that was fiscally irresponsible? Why does she need an attorney? Doesn't she actually owe that money to the credit people? Maybe she should look into those companies that help with credit problems to work out cheaper payments and lower interest rates rather than trying to fight a debt she owes.