Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

I really think we're going to do this!!! H has been back in the house now since the end of December. While he hasn't completely moved back in - some of his stuff is still at the place he was staying and at another friend's - he has been living happily under our roof. Things have been going very well. We are both very conscious of the other's feelings. My C is absolutely amazed at how well I have let go. There is just so much stuff I don't worry about any more and can't even get myself worked up to worry about any more.

He isn't wearing his ring yet, but he is under our roof. I know he feels that our rings are very important symbols. I don't need to remind him or to bring it up. He will start wearing it when he is ready. I'm fine with that. I wasn't going to wear mine again until he did, but I started wearing it a few weeks ago. I don't find this as an issue.

I don't think he has called his attorney to call things off even though it is quite obvious that the D is not an issue any more. I talked with my C about this. I decided I am waiting until the end of February, when H is officially back as he gave 30 days to his friend for the place he was staying. After that he won't be paying rent to another place and will be physically fully back. On the advice of my C, I am going to call my attorney at that time and tell her that all is done and we've reconciled - send me my files. Then my C says that I can mention to my H what I did. Again, it is H's choice as to what he does with his own attorney. It expresses my confidence but doesn't put any pressure on him.

My C also commends me for continuing to encourage H to keep up with the GAL activities that he took up while we were separated. H got back into guitar and singing, and working out. All things he enjoys. Now that he's back he hasn't been keeping up with those things. I want him to continue them because they make him happy. C says that sometimes people, especially men, tend to avoid doing some of the things they like for fear that it will cause the couple to grow apart. He says that most of the time this is very subconscious and is not intentional at all. So C tells me that my encouraging on a regular, but not annoying basis is good - that H may "take me up on it" at some point. I just want to make sure that H is happy and those are things he went to because they made him happy. We split because he was afraid that he couldn't be himself and was losing himself, so I feel more than ever that he can't lose these types of activities. I of course will do the same.

I have detached in a very healthy way. I am showing more trust. I still have my issues, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he never went to another woman, he never really did anything undeserving of trust. It's just a big issue with me and something I need to continue working on, along with my passive-aggressive behavior (which I've been doing very well with, thank you very much). These are things that affect our R, but are not his fault. They are my demons and my issues. He has his own. And the more I work on mine and continue to improve my behavior, the better and more trusting he gets. It's a very positive circle and one that I plan on continuing.

Life is good. I would have never believed you if you told me 4, almost 5 months ago that it could be this good again. It's been a lot of hard work and probably will be for some time yet, but we are well on our way. I will keep working at it and so will he. Communication is key. I think we are reaching what my C refers to as the third stage of marriage, where the power struggle is done and both people recognize each other as individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses and yet they choose to not only live together, but to support each other without fear of losing themselves, but instead growing. Time will tell if this is really where we're at, but I hope so as it is what all married couples strive for.

Peace.