Hi LoginName... thanks for writing. Thank you for taking my message in the way I intended. Thank you for making me think. It seems like we all go through so much of the same emotions but I think we each have different needs to process things.
For me... I'm the type that needs to understand. I was absolutely blindsided by my husband's betrayal of the huge trust I put in him while we were in a very difficult situation.
He has told me, many times: "Ask anything. Anything. I will tell you the truth." Now, I'm sure he means that. But. It still doesn't mean that I should ask anything that pops in my head. I've learned I need to weigh it out and determine if knowing will hurt or help.
I've learned that he can only give me the answers he has. I've asked him. More than once. At what point were you able to kiss another woman. At what point did you go to her bed? See, I know this may sound naive to many, but I seriously don't understand how he could get there. I couldn't do it. Not because no one else would ever even know. But I would. It would change ME forever. I still don't really have an answer. I guess I don't think I'm ever going to ask again. Instead I have to learn how to not need that answer and still trust that the same circumstances won't ever prevail again.
While we were LD but reconciled, for some reason I had no problem trusting him implicitly. After we were able to live together again is when I started snooping. It was destructive. I'd see a number on his phone and obsess about it. My mind even twisted numbers to be something they weren't. Seriously. I actually saw her number, got up the guts to bring it up. Phone was in my purse. He denied calling/receiving call. I pulled phone out of my purse to show him and it wasn't her number at all. Ugh. Ya get through it though and even eventually laugh about it. He gave me a free pass through a few of those type of incidents. I was very clear in my intentions. I loved him with all my heart and wanted to trust him. I didn't scream or yell accusations. He could see the fear and pain as I agonized about how to ask him. Rather than get angry with me and think "She'll never trust me again", it seems that when I made a mistake it kinda made him feel better. We DB-ers are a tough act to follow sometimes!
My H and I are living together so yes, absolutely, I need to know the A is over. I do not believe I could/would go through this again. That's just me. I love what we have now, more than the relationship we had before going through this. That is the truth. However, no way could going through this process again benefit our marriage or my sons' future relationships.
What I need is the permission to ask. I have that. I've asked stupid questions like "What color are her eyes?" -- I didn't want them to be the same color as mine. I think those questions have the potential to be destructive.
I was nervous that being physical again would be hard-- that I'd wonder if something I did reminded him of her. But honestly. I know better. I just do. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose. I was not the first woman he was ever with in his lifetime. I'm just hoping I'll be the last.
