IMHO, no surprises for valentines day. I would check first with W to see if she's ready for a card or a gift from you which is expressing your deep and heartfelt love for her. Even a small thing may seem like pressure. On the other hand she may expect something, so discreetly check to see how she feels.
Originally Posted By: steve477
One problem I see in the future is if she wants to give R another chance... she works with the OM. She cant stop seeing him, I might be able to ask that she doesnt make contact out of work ours, but is that going to intensify their R in work (that is where the adultery happen, after working late). Do I have to ask her to show me her eamils and stuff, or am I just supposed to try and trust her again?
Too early to worry about this stuff. Ultimately if she does recommit to you she will take steps to show she's genuine.
But overall things are sounding good.
Lan
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
Well new dad, I would try to remember the thing that you were doing when you both realized that you loved one another and try to recreate the moment. A date, wedding whatever it was you were doing that the love bug bit you. I think that you two are both too young to give up. The best years are ahead of you with the little baby, and if you cant be lovers anymore, be friends for the childs sake and just follow your heart. Don't date or move on until YOU have exhausted your options and are ready too.
Good luck with you new baby and yet still NEW marriage. If she wants to close the door on the relationship, just leave your heart open if you really love her.
Hi Lanzo, she has said that we can exchange cards, but no big gifts this year. We should save the money for the baby. So just go for a day out. Difficult to think what to write in the card. Something to do with the immediate present I guess, along the lines of.. lets have a great day togehter. As opposed to talking about the future... I am sure we will love each other again and be together for ever! Maybe no hey!
Hi Blackgoat, we will always remain friends, even though she is talking about separation, she still says I am her best friend. New baby is due in September so only 2 months in. We takled about the fact that our marriage as is seems to be dead, so we should move on to a new realtionship. Start as friends again and see where it takes us. Possibly away from each other, but I am hopeful that it will take us into a new romance. Is that what you mean by NEW marriage?
Thanks again
DB book arrived this morning. Better get reading
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
She asked me today if I thought she was high maintainance!!! What a loaded question. The answer is yes, as most men will probably say about their wives! But I have always viewed it as the higher the maintainance the higher the reward. All be it I didnt do much maintaining last year! I mentioned one of her earlier comments about the loss of passion in our relationship. I told her that was something I had also noticed and was bothered about. She seemed a little surprised. I told her that probably a lot of the things she missed in the marriage are things that I missed to, but just couldnt find a way to bring up. The passion example I alway put down the lessening of it down to the fact that she didnt find me as attractive as she used to (being a tubby guy can do that)! So I tried not to press the issue. And for her own reasons seems she never pressed the issue either. So there you go.
Time machines would be a lovely invention any time soon!!!
I am seeing hope, but I tried to give her space again as she was tired. She asked me if I wanted to talk, after she wad said she needed to go staight to bed. So I told her that she had better escape before I started talking! I have more things to do now, things that I always had to do, but never started. So I can keep myself busier. Makes it easier. Being in work was hard last week.. I work heavy machinary, and there is a need for ear defenders, so no conversation with anyone during the days really. Just me and my thoughts! It almost killed me. So many thoughts, ranging from picturing the act of cheating to over analysing myself and the R, and just plainly driving myself down. I have a very active brain, it is both a blessing and a curse sometimes. To combat this I have started taking in an MP3 player with me with language lessons on it. So that really take my mind off things. I am also taking herbal stress releif tablets which do actually seem to make a difference!
Thanks again, it is so nice to be able to just write here and have you guys give me feedback. Keeping me sane!
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Sometimes the responses on this boards will dry up a little, don't be discouraged by this, it just means that friends are thinking that you've got the hang of this DB stuff.
Based on you last posts things sound positive. Keep up the good work and keep posting.
I am feeling more positive, still a ways to go yet, but moving in the right direction.
I have had a thought today... might be stupid or might be genius!! The OM is back with his wife and is trying to make it work with his wife for the sake of his 6yo son (I think thats the case). I think he and my W have moved over into just an `inappropriate friendship`. I am of course still not happy with this. She has to see him everyday, so there is not a lot I can do about that. So I wondered about ways of turning that Inappropriate friendship into just regular friendship. (I know that I am thinking about things I cant control). I wondered if he was serious about trying to get his marriage to work (and I think he might be because of his son), should I pass the DB and DR books to him to have a look at. Is that just stupid or is it genius? My wife care for him as she thinks he has a lot of sorrow in his life, and wants to help him through it. I wonder what she would say to my suggestion. She said she has already backed off from him a bit to give his marriage a chance. Part of me is doing this for myself of course, if I give the OM the tools to make up with his wife, he may leave mine alone! Another part of me, doesnt want to see his son needlessly hurt if things go bad.
Any thoughts? Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Should have checked back here before I went ahead with my `genius` plan! Backfired completly! She was tired tonight, didnt want to even have small talk. Didnt imform me about this until after I suggested lending him the books. She made a comment along the lines of.. if she really wanted to make an effort to save his marriage she would have stepped well back from him. Ouch
Its amazing how quickly your mood can drop. Oh well, live and learn...
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
I havent said anything about this, but I was wondering if the was an optimum time to ask my W to stop having so much contact with the OM. I guess it is not soon. Is it when she makes a commitment to having a go at our marriage? Is it after that? Just wondered as I was thinking about it.
Cheers Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
