Not sure if this makes sense or not - I still love my W very much, but i'm really starting to lose my respect for her. She's compromising her values and everything that made her special to make this idiot like her.
It makes sense to me. From the things you describe, she seems to have lost herself in her sitch. It's snowballing on her. Instead of saying that was a mistake and putting it in the past it seems like she is trying to show that whatever she got into with OM wasn't such a mistake because they still have some kind of connection - but however many flowers she throws on the pile it still stinks. That's probably not quite the right metaphor. . . .
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
So you have learned from this time together that your W needs a lot more work. I know you still love her, but you have done so much to change and it is only right that she works on herself too. Although your wife seems to have gone pretty low, I don't think she has realized yet that she is near if not at rock bottom. I really think once you move out and pull back she will start to realize where she is and where she needs to go.
It makes sense to me. From the things you describe, she seems to have lost herself in her sitch. It's snowballing on her. Instead of saying that was a mistake and putting it in the past it seems like she is trying to show that whatever she got into with OM wasn't such a mistake because they still have some kind of connection - but however many flowers she throws on the pile it still stinks. That's probably not quite the right metaphor. . . .
She is certainly in her own little world - She'll sit here off and on during the day and IM the idiot back and forth. She never seems particularly happy when she talks to him. I've not read the messages, and I really don't care to.
As of right now (and I'm sure this may change), I'm really feeling 'turned off' towards her because of her behavior - She's talking about doing new things and not doing things she has always done, because they are thinks OM does. That just seems like such a bunch of crap to me - After six months, do you REALLY think that copying what he does is going to attract him if he's not really interested already?
It's gotten to the point where W is just totally unaware of what she is doing. Maybe if I back off, or even start meeting new people, she'll wake up. Right now, if she follows this path, she's going to end up with no one.
It's gotten to the point where W is just totally unaware of what she is doing. Maybe if I back off, or even start meeting new people, she'll wake up. Right now, if she follows this path, she's going to end up with no one.
Brit... seems like you are planning to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. I completely understand the lack of motivation, given what you are seeing about what she is doing... but if you actually want to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE... I think you'd be better off making decisions with your head, not your feelings right now?
One of the toughest things about being separated after a huge marriage "bomb", is the lack of opportunity to show your spouse directly, any changes that you may have made to your lifestyle, or general habits. That's when the biggest effect on the spouse is the "oh by the way i'm dating someone else" tactic. 'cause there isnt much else to actually do, sometimes.
When you're actually WITH them, however... doesnt it make sense to make the most of that opportunity? To show you how nice you can be? Going off and dating other people, would seem to be the opposite. It would seem to be, to be throwing away the opportunity you have right now.
You have the chance to really shine to her right now... to show her you are enjoyable to be with, even though this OM is a schmuck.
If you really know that deep down, your wife is one of those shallow "i want to pursue what I cant have" people, then sure, go the hard-to-get route. Seems to me, though, that you'd be better off following up (lightly) on any little openings she leaves you.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/28/0804:02 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
One of the toughest things about being separated after a huge marriage "bomb", is the lack of opportunity to show your spouse directly, any changes that you may have made ...
From personal experience I would strongly agree. Separation helps with perspective, but its a huge loss of DB opportunity. Besides your W is quite mentally ill and you may want to see her in this light. Would you abandon her if she were physically ill?
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
From personal experience I would strongly agree. Separation helps with perspective, but its a huge loss of DB opportunity. Besides your W is quite mentally ill and you may want to see her in this light. Would you abandon her if she were physically ill?
I'm certainly not planning on abandoning my W - I totally agree that she has problems and needs support, and I plan to continue to support her in whatever way I can.
We're going to be separate again, probably after this coming weekend - I get the keys on Friday and W is pushing for me to move in over the weekend. So, as far as DBing goes, I've got this week to do it in her presence, but I need to start doing something different once we are separate (as other people have suggested). My plan is not to write off my W and start hunting for someone new - I just need to start doing more GAL activities, which includes meeting some new faces and doing new things. If W wants to spend time with me, I'll gladly accept, however I'm not going to do as much initiating as I have in the past with her.
I think your plan sounds good. I don't consider it a positive that she talks about OM in a negative light. I think she would obviously do that with you...why would she talk about the good stuff?
Maybe you don't have to shut her down when she talks about OM, but you don't have to be Mr. validate and listen either. You can be more like, "hmmmm", and leave it at that. To me it's a kick in the teeth to hear about it all the time. It's good that you are her outlet, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Probably won't until she gives up on the fantasy. Maybe she'll get her act together after the fantasy implodes, but you never know, maybe she won't ever get there.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
When you're actually WITH them, however... doesnt it make sense to make the most of that opportunity? To show you how nice you can be? Going off and dating other people, would seem to be the opposite. It would seem to be, to be throwing away the opportunity you have right now.
My current living arrangement is temporary - It is almost at it's end. I'm planning on making the most of the time we are spending together, but as lots of other people have suggested, I need to back off from W more than I have in the past once we are separated again - After we separated the first time, we really spent a lot of time together (some of which was positive, some not so much). Quite a number of people have suggested that I back off from W and let her really be on her own for a while and if she needs me, she knows where to find me.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
You have the chance to really shine to her right now... to show her you are enjoyable to be with, even though this OM is a schmuck.
And that is what I have been doing for the last couple of weeks we have been living together - I'm not really sure how much actually gets through. She occasionally seems happy to have me around; at other times, she'll just be miserable. I have no idea how much, or even if, her current state of mind has to do with having me around so much.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
If you really know that deep down, your wife is one of those shallow "i want to pursue what I cant have" people, then sure, go the hard-to-get route. Seems to me, though, that you'd be better off following up (lightly) on any little openings she leaves you.
My W pretty much has a one track mind - She'll get stuck on an idea, and go with it for a while. Any rational person would have given up on OM a long time ago, considering there isn't any 'relationship'. I'm certainly not trying to manipulate her or play games - I just need to change a lot of the things I'm doing since they don't seem to be getting either of us anywhere.
I think your plan sounds good. I don't consider it a positive that she talks about OM in a negative light. I think she would obviously do that with you...why would she talk about the good stuff?
She will occasionally make a positive comment, or at least a comment that is neutral - For example, we were watching TV and I mentioned that I wanted to watch American Psycho again sometime (We were watching Batman Begins, so that made me think of it). I asked if she had it in the box of movies she took from our collection, and she said she didn't think so - She said OM had a lot of movies and he probably had it that we could borrow. I told her I'd just rent it one night instead
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Maybe you don't have to shut her down when she talks about OM, but you don't have to be Mr. validate and listen either. You can be more like, "hmmmm", and leave it at that. To me it's a kick in the teeth to hear about it all the time. It's good that you are her outlet, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Probably won't until she gives up on the fantasy. Maybe she'll get her act together after the fantasy implodes, but you never know, maybe she won't ever get there.
Most of the time I don't really entertain the discussion, unless it's obvious that she's PO'ed at the guy and I can help her work through whatever BS she has in her head. If it's just general conversation, most of the time I just brush it off or just make sure she knows I listened and keep the conversation going on the original track.
I'd rather she found a therapist she can talk to and use them as an outlet, rather than me - Not because I don't want to listen or help; I just think they'd be able to help her better and she might even listen to what they have to say (but probably not).
Well, I was doing well today so far; Not talking to W, keeping busy. W then IM'd me to let me know she is being sued for some credit card she owes $7k on and wanted to know if she can use the law firm I use for stuff - I told her sure, but she doesn't have any cash for a retainer... I really don't want to bail her own right now by paying for it.
Not the first time this has happened - She went through something similar right after she moved out, and they garnished her paycheck for a month or two. No idea why she didn't take care of all of this when she got her 401k loan, but whatever...
Any suggestions how to deal with this one? I'm all for offering her constructive advice and helping her, but I don't want to end up just caving in and digging her out of the hole.
I still have no clue why she decided to come to me with this new problem - I'm sure she won't tell OM to avoid looking bad, but she's usually pretty resourceful and can figure things out on her own. Guess it's not really my problem though.
