Still, this whole "marketplace mentality" as applied to one's sexuality really skeeves me out. It's not like a detachable appendage; for your sexuality to mean anything, it should manifest as a seamless, unique facet of who you are, without undue reference to societal standards or typical male preference (even assuming there is such an animal.)
I get trying on different sexual personae. But fine tuning your sexuality in appearance and practice to up your "purchasing power" seems quite inauthentic, and ulimately counterproductive. What a constructed sexual self is worth in the open market is totally irrelevant if you're still at all interested in attracting a man who will love you for your pilgrim soul.
I largely agree with you. First I should make the point that any sexual personae that I vibe that in any way resembles a variation on naughty schoolgirl is definitely not inauthentic or assumed. I've been having fantasies in that realm since I actually was a 12 year old schoolgirl. I guess what I'm thinking is that "what I want" is my authentic sexual identity but "how I get it" maybe should be something I can work on or an area in which I can adjust/reflect "market" realities.
I definitely did have issues regarding my appearance coming out of my SSM for obvious reasons. I've pretty much resolved these by becoming more objective about objectification but also by realizing what I said about the market not being uniform or homogeneous. For instance, FSG thinks that I am a bit too thin but he doesn't like muscle on a woman and GP thought that I had "room in my skin" for about 20 more lbs of muscle. If I adjusted my body/appearance for every/any man I dated I'd be an insane bulimic exercise nut with 20 shades of lipstick in her purse. I have a solid idea of how I want to look these days and I measure myself by those standards alone. Therefore, I am still trying to lose the last few of this year's Xmas cookie lbs even though I'm dating a man who would like more booty in my bootylicious.
As far as my pilgrim soul goes, FSG said that he likes me because I'm smart and funny and hot. Under circumstances of short acquaintance, I'm willing to accept "smart and funny" as shorthand for "pilgrim soul" - lol .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
