welcome to the phase so many others are trying to get to. i'm happy for you that you've gotten there, but sorry for the pain you have had to endure along the way.
i hope you understand that strong and complex feelings are very normal at this point. as is confusion and uncertainty. so perhaps you could begin by acknowledging to your husband you are pleased he wants to repair your marriage, but that both of you have a lot learn about how to do it...and must be willing to work on it patiently and in good faith. if you keep your wits about you, you can do this successfully.
if you are now in a position where you both want to go to counseling, then now is the time to make hay. remember, though, not all counselors are created equal, and both of you should believe you have a counselor who has the capability to deal with your specific issues.
could i suggest just a couple things to include in your approach to rebuilding your relationship?
first, i don't think you should avoid openly dealing with what happened and how it affected you. if you really want to open your husband up to soul-searching growth, focus more on how his affair affected you/hurt you/crushed you, and less on what a rotten person he was to do this. if he becomes overly defensive, it will block the empathy that might really help him learn from this experience. i also understand, though, how tempting it is to lash out because of your pain. don't get too down on yourself if this happens.
if the process has an endgame you can both see, it's better for both of you, and you're less likely to wallow indefinitely in the hurt. in the end don't you want to move past it...with time...into a better relationship? (aside - you should both understand, it will probably take a lot of time for the aftershocks to fully subside).
secondly, your husband has to know that it's reasonable for a person who has been betrayed to need extra effort and extra forbearance from him to make sure you feel emotionally safe. if he is wise, he will anticpate these things and be proactive in dealing with them.
third, he should know that in addition to the issues surrounding his affar, you want to use the healing process to make your relationship better than it ever was. this means that his participation in an affair should not bar him from bringing his own issues and concerns into the repair process. if these things are brought up at the right time in right way, i hope you pay attention to them.
finally, if you really want to be ahead of the curve, think of very specific behavioral things your husband can do to show his good faith and/or concern for your emotional saftey. this will let a good faith person know exactly what they need to do and it will let you know he has done it. and if you keep it reasonable, and not excessively paranoid, he should understand and want to do it.
i hope this helps...and please remember again how normal all the intense and mixed feelings are. also understand, though, that as many other stories on this website demonstrate, marriages can and do rebound to healthier places than they've ever been.
