peace: I think part of the problem is that we are looking for signs of changes on a weekly, or even a daily basis. It's as effective as trying to figure out how much taller our children have grown each day. I agree about listening to our hearts. What OF said is perfectly logical, but my instinct tells me to hold on. I never said I'll do this forever, so I'll hold on for now until I feel like I've given it my all. I don't see myself doing this beyond this year (or even this summer). About saying wrong things to kids, it's difficult to make WASs out to be faultless because we are also the ones responsible for teaching our kids right from wrong. The resentment will seep through and the kids will pick up on it. My S is only 5 and he's already making such comments. I don't make direct comments about H, but I also know that S5 is smart enough to figure out the message I'm telling him when I make certain comments.
Seeing H yesterday - I've been trying to figure out how I feel about him. He's no longer that physically attractive to me. And his character has become even more unattractive to me. Maybe my defense mechanisms are kicking in big time.
I dreamt about H. I was driving, H was in the back seat. He mentioned something about ogre. I turned around and asked him how that was going. He kind of laughed it off. Wouldn't say much more until I turned around again to drive. Then said that it wasn't what I thought - something like he didn't feel for her what he did for me. In the dream, ogre was actually H's ex-GF (who used to model - much prettier than ogre, by far). At the end, offered to let me drive a car that belonged to his father that nobody was allowed to drive.
So here's my interpretation: Me driving, H in back - I'm in control, not him. Not looking at me - still a coward, not able to face me, but getting more comfortable talking about it His feelings for ogre - Maybe what I believe about her meaning less to him than he thinks is true. Or maybe just wishful thinking. Offering his father's car - H still cares about, respects and trusts me, but also still offering things that are not his...empty promises.
Overall, the feeling was that we still had a connection. There was no anger. And my feelings about the situation were confirmed to be correct. Good, I guess, but also just a silly dream. Anyone else wanna take a stab at it?
I wouldn't even want to take a stab at trying to interpret your dream...but I am impressed by your interpretation...maybe the dream was just trying to reinforce that you need to follow your heart.
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I think part of the problem is that we are looking for signs of changes on a weekly, or even a daily basis. It's as effective as trying to figure out how much taller our children have grown each day.
Good point. We need to look at our spouses progress over time to get a better perspective. How do you see that things have changed for your H since the bomb?
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About saying wrong things to kids, it's difficult to make WASs out to be faultless because we are also the ones responsible for teaching our kids right from wrong. The resentment will seep through and the kids will pick up on it. My S is only 5 and he's already making such comments. I don't make direct comments about H, but I also know that S5 is smart enough to figure out the message I'm telling him when I make certain comments.
I have such difficulty with this and it hasn't gotten easier over time...my XH and his wife continually put the kids in the middle and then blame me. I have tried to bite my tongue but there are times (like yesterday) when I lose it. Just do your best...it is hard for kids because they love both their parents.
How do you see that things have changed for your H since the bomb?
Good question, UD. I'd say the biggest change has been the recent admission that he knows what he's doing is wrong. Other than that, I haven't seen any changes in his actions.
He's still: avoiding facing his problems, spending very little time with the kids (even less now than before), not moving any closer to a D, living with ogre, delusional about his financial situation, not admitting anything about ogre to me or family, not telling me where he lives. In general, he's still running.
Those are just the things off the top of my head.
I think seeing them together in a very public place - one of 'our' places - has given me a bit of a reality check. I feel finished with this. I don't want to do this anymore. I've taken down the pictures of H and I leaving only one of him, S5 and I up. And I've deleted all his numbers and messages - even the nice ones - from my phone. I'm sure I'm acting out of anger mostly. Maybe it'll pass. But I'm actually hoping that this is going to be it for me. Having compassion for H, being understanding and keeping the door open has gotten me nowhere over the past year and a half. It's time for a change.
SH they say to pave a safe path home. you have maybe the first step is turning off the chatter in our minds do we need closure or detatchment first sometimes I feel if i run to closure I am done in this fire and I wonder am I really done or do I need more baking to let go we cant force it our process a good friend says when you are done you will know there will be no questions left we can let go without D we can always file later you can set boundries get on with your life really get on with in while you watch from a more distant place and practice going within changing every thought that involves H into a positive thought about your new life practice..that is my pma..its for me..I am master of this ship with God That is my goal
My H is alot like yours he is very secretive still not telling my brother who he works with or anyone in his office he is Seperated i dont think his mom/sisters know he seems delutional to me and refuses to talk about D or anything he is in his own world another planet and I am not allowed there its for him to work it out my jouney is here you have come this far..it is for you now..not H take your time peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for that peace. I will reread what you wrote because there are a lot of good points in there that I'm not fully absorbing at the moment.
I hate that seeing them happened to coincide with my PMS. I'm having a particularly hard day. I'm broken-hearted all over again. I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. And next time, what if my kids are with me? I don't want them to have to go through any more pain.
For those of you whose H's have introduced OW to kids, family - I really admire you for your strength. Just seeing them together has knocked me down so much more than I imagined it would.
To add insult to injury, H gave S5 a credit card to give to me. Apparently he's had it for 6 months, according to the validity date. It could be that it went unopened (as most of his mail does). But why give it to me now? It's as if he thinks spending his money will take my pain away - the same way my MIL spends my FIL's money. H might feel better about it, but I certainly won't. Doesn't mean I won't use it though. I could use some new clothes. And shoes. And maybe even a new bag. Oh, but wait, my MIL just gave me a new bag yesterday out of the blue. Did she hear about our little run-in? Is it her way of 'bribing' me to not file? Does she think I can be bought over with a nice bag? Or is it her way of telling me she understands my pain and is just trying to put a bandaid on my wound, distract me from my pain? I really don't know. There's no way she would've heard from my side, and I highly doubt that H said anything to her.
I avoided seeing H. Brought S2 to say goodbye to him when we were leaving, but S2 closed the door behind him and I didn't bother reopening it. I stayed outside of the room and H said I could bring home gifts that he bought them (yes, more guilt gifts). I said ok and bye without really looking at him, and left. I will do everything in my power to not have to speak to him.
I really don't know what my future holds. I'm thankful for this last incident in a way because it has hopefully allowed me to really let go. It wasn't the way I wanted to let go, but maybe the end result is all the same. After all, things never turn out the way you expect. I am desperately trying to find the good in this.
All the pain came back in a flash just seeing them and my H knows it - the real H. The man I saw that day disgusts me.
SH deep inside they do know they are hurting us and they are so warped right now and cant find their way out Im sorry for your pain and I havent been thru that so im grateful peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
sh- I hope things are getting better for you since your "sighting". Don't worry about why you got the credit card or the bag or whatever. I know you have heard this a thousand times before, but do your best to put all of it out of your mind an keep moving on. We would love to understand all of the "whys"...why did this happen?...why do they treat us this way?...why they can't get their head out of their a$$?...etc.,etc.,etc...but we may never know and we have to accept that for what it is.
This little run in has temporarily thrown you off your path...pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep on going. You are going to be fine...and you are working your way to a much better place.
peace and UD: Thank you both for always being there for me. I'd be a complete basket case without your support and understanding. With it, I'm only a partial basket case. Ha.
OC: Not sure if you're reading, but thanks so much for your call. It makes such a difference to be able to talk to someone about it.
I know that this too shall pass. But it sucks so much being in it.
I feel so much guilt for not wanting to continue to stand. Yet, I know that I have nothing to feel guilty about because I've done all that I can. I won't be making any moves to file for now. But I won't be extending my timeline any longer either.
Typically, I put my disclaimer in that whatever I'm feeling is only temporary. But this time, I'm not sure I want to go back to standing. The vision of a reconciled M and a happy family with H is fading.
If the feelings are the same in a month from now, than you know what you have to do, than your decision is made.
Don't pressure yourself or feel you have to make any type of decision. Just take care of yourself and your children.
Most people in our shoes would have thrown the towel in long ago.
I am afraid of the day, when I say enough is enough. As time goes on that day seems inevitable. I am divorced, but my ex still tries to reconnect. I have no clue if I am even attracted to him anymore. He is handsome, but his actions disgust me also.
Hang in there and remember you are an extraordinary person...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting: Thank you for affirming my feelings. I will take your advice and see how I feel in a month. I think that I have stood longer than most would have too. But when I talk to friends about it, they think I've stood for far too long already. At 18 months, I think I still have at least another 6 months to go before I can feel completely guilt-free for filing.
I'm keeping track of where your story is headed. It's so interesting how there's this pattern of them reconnecting during D process or after D has happened. My cousin's W D'd him a few years ago - he was the same age as me at the time (early 30's) with a young child as well. 2 or 3 years after the D, they are now back together.
I'm strangely starting to feel better already. Was even able to concentrate and be productive at work. It hit me hard. But I'm surprised how quickly I am recovering this time. I feel like a nut. Maybe MLC insanity is contagious.
