Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny, wanted to check on you. Sounds like you're having a few rough days. I wish I had a magic pill that would make our H's come home and be the father and H we know they can be. It's sad to hear that your D is starting to really have a rough time with this. All you can do is hang in there and ride it through. My girlfriend always tells me to "plan for surprises". You never know what life is going to bring you.

[JennyF]

lizzy,

I do believe that there is still hope for you and your H. Unfortunately it will be awhile....he has to come back from his alien ship first and realize that the CFB is that and not the stong woman that you are.

I hope this is good intuition on your part Lizzy!
I have felt since the bomb drop that deep in my gut it is not all said and done. I've questioned whether this is blind faith, intuition or just plain denial.
But I find it hard to ignore the feeling it because it feels so real. My mother gave me some advice a while ago to quiet myself and my thoughts down and I might be able to hear God speak to me. Now I have never been a religious person and I will admit that I've turned to him now more than ever! But this feeling I have is kind of what I hear when I've quieted down. So I'm getting all deep here I know...but I feel like it's relevent because I too believe there is a chance for us! Even if all the signs are pointing elsewhere.

blindsided,

Sounds like you're having a few rough days.

Yeah, it has been a little rough. I think now that I'm starting let S go every now and then with H, I've in a way...back to where I was shortly after bomb drop. I only had 5 1/2 weeks between bomb drop and giving birth. I didn't find DB until S was 2 wks old, so that whole time pre-baby I was doing all the wrong stuff and pushing H away. But I never really dealt with anything. I basically filed away to get myself ready to give birth and care for a newborn. And I did. H threw me a few curve balls in there with wanting to sell the house, switching his bank account. My point is that, I think I'm just in the last 2 weeks dealing again with some of my raw feelings that I felt in the beginning. This on top of living the reality of being a single mother with such young kids...it's been a little stressful. And unfortunately friends and family kind of think I should be moving on. I never realized how right Michele was in DR about well-meaning friends and family just wanting you to get over it!
Anyway, I can't wait until my counselling appmt on Thursday. I am going to set some goals with my C.
Gotta go...I'll be back.
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

((((jf))). I frequently mention that you and a few other posters really remind me of my H and our situation, but you do. It is nice to know that others understand and have the same feelings. I thought I was the only one with the paranoia. Everytime H wants to talk I am expecting the "big one". I keep trying to plan in my head how I will respond. I go between just giving in and giving up to fighting. Of course my friends and family think I should not fight and move on, but my sister thinks I should fight for my marriage. My S is starting to be really affected as well. In fact his teacher pulled H aside and mentioned that S knows what is going on and mentioned to her that he sees his mommy sad and he does not like it. Last week when my H went on his tyrade I just lost it. Once he was off the phone I just bawled. This was the first time S saw me break down in all this. I have been able to keep up a good front, but that just did me in. He now does not want to do to H's house. H came today to get son and he refused to go. My H was furious and just started yelling at S. S got even more upset and started crying and getting scared. I tried to convince S to go, but he was having no parts of it. H stormed out without S. It is actually starting to become one big ugly mess. My H never has wanted to accept that it has affected S. Early on my S would ask "why can't daddy come home?" "Why doesn't daddy love you any more mommy?"

Anyway, keep your chin up. I hope your C session goes well. And even if you don't realize it you sound stronger and stronger in your posts. I commend you because you have been able to keep the the peace for your kids and let H's stupidity and erractic behavior roll off your back.

[Startingover2]

Jenny...I just got caught up on your thread and wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

When reality hits us at times it hits hard. I remember back to the first few months that my H left. He swore that it was just temporary and he needed 'thinking' time. We even spent a weekend together and two days later I was served with D papers. I guess there is no way to predict any of their behavior because it changes second by second.

You are smart to try and take the emotion out. I would have skipped some big mistakes if I had.

Hang in there!!!!

[blindsided1]

Jenny you sound much stronger today. I'm glad to see that. It's been a rough weekend for me, too. I feel like I am going back to the early days, as well, recently. Hang in there and hope that C goes better than mine has been.

[JennyF]

Well, H came over tonight to have our discussion.
Overall it went well...I guess.

He brought D home from school and until she was in bed we had a pleasant night. He was even making some small talk with me.

I think D loved having us both here and you could really see the difference in her behaviour.

Once D was in bed we talked. We agreed on a schedule with the kids. It was a compromise. D will spend one night during the week overnight with him and he'll have her every other weekend. Plus he will have one evening a week with her and S. And on his weekends, he will take S for a couple hours on the Fri night and a couple hours on the Sat. This last part I'm having a hard time with, but we'll see how it goes. It is really important to me that my D have her brother with her through all of this. She really needs to start to associate herself with him more.

After we had come to an agreement there, we discussed finances. H is definitely going above and beyond what he legally has to here (I've got his medal on mail order...) I think it is really fair and I am going to run it by my lawyer before I give it a final ok.

Lastly, he brought up the house again. He said he thinks that I should stay here with the kids and that I should buy him out. He wants me to go the bank and look at these options.
I am really confused about this and what to do. I need to get advice on this.
I don't want to say no just because I can, especially if it may actually be in my best interest.
The problem I have with this is...WOW, it's really over.

H was quite nice through the whole thing. The conversation was very civil and he was not acting magnamous or arrogant for a change. But he is really in a hurry to move on with his life.
And he feels I should be wanting to do this too.

So WTF do I do? The GAL and DB'ing...none of it really changes based on the circumstances. I still have to do those things regardless.

But really, it is all in vain? Tonight, I saw glimpses of my old H. But not the one who loves me. Not the one who wants to me married to me. So is this REALLY it?? Or is it possible that he is really having this life crisis that I think he is having and that he could come around in a few months?

Should I be standing for my marriage? Or should I be really trying to get over it and move on with my life? I am so confused.
I love him. So much. I want our family to be together. I want my children to have another chance at the family life they deserve. I want these things more than anything...but is it possible?
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that the only thing holding me back from selling the house or buying him out is the fact that I still hold out hope in my heart. But he is telling me in no uncertain terms that it is over for good.

Am I trying to convince myself of something that isn't possible? Am I holding onto something that I need to let go of totally?
Are there any people out there who have been successful in restoring their marriage who have found themselves in my position? If so, I would love to hear some words of encouragement here, because I am really not sure what to do.
OR, does this really not change anything at all? I GAL and start making decisions for me and my kids only. I separate all of the financial and move on...and then just see what happens.

I feel like everyone I know (everyone except the people here)...are hitting me over the head telling me that I need to accept that it is over.
Why can't I do this? Why do I still believe there is a chance?

I know I'm rambling now. Any advice would be very welcome at the moment.
J~

[Tomato]

Never give up Jenny, especially since you are uncertain. As I head off for prayers you will be included in them.

[not an ex yet]

Hey Jenny!
I agree...don't give up! It was a pleasant evening and you had a civil conversation. Focus on the positives of that. It could have been very ugly! Also, he didn't bring any D papers or legal docs, did he? That is good! I know it is hard, and believe me I am writing this as much for you as myself, but try your hardest to separate your heart and "business".
Once the financial aspect is taken care of, you can focus 100% on DBing and your H will probably be more relaxed to see it. You have been so strong through all of this!! Keep it up!
You will get through this!

[blindsided1]

We are all here for you Jenny. I really pray that everything works out for you in your favor. Hang in there. Whatever the outcome, you WILL be fine. I know your desire to have your family together, as you know.

[Startingover2]

I may have missed it, but has your H filed any papers yet? If he hasn't you could look at that as a good sign.....maybe that he is not totally convinced of his decision.