I just can't believe she wants out. She is messed up in the head right now and doesn't know what she wants, but a dissolved marriage isn't really it.
I totally get this sentiment. In my case, I acted a little too much on it. It is one thing to think this way, it is quite another to act upon it. I was convinced that "divorcing doesn't make any sense for us", and my actions along those lines, were viewed as controlling acts. By working directly on the marriage (ie, not DB principles, not validating enough, not detaching, trying to stick to MY timeline), I was driving her away.
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I text something back (probably shouldn't have, correct?
Hard to say. It's up to you. There's no pat answer. you have to decide these things yourself, applying the principles. Sometimes the prescription is to stand back, put some distance between you. Sometimes the prescription is to engage more closely and be more responsive. I'm trying to NOT be as available and solicitous in my relationship, because that is a true 180 for me. I've always been an acts-of-service person - someone who shows love with acts of service (reference the 5 Love Languages book). So, by being less responsive and solicitous, that's a 180 for me. your situation is different.
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...and mention that my therapist wanted to make sure I told her hello from him
It sounds like a nice, friendly gesture by the therapist. it also sounds like it was received as a provocation by her. This is one of those things. Live and learn. Next time you maybe have something to think about regarding the relationship between your therapist and your wife. I don't have a pat answer here, either, but it seems like something you need to think about.
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(My therapist is a great guy who knows us both and thinks we can repair our marriage in time).
just a side question - have you told your therapist about DR book and the DB philosophy? You might wish to engage your T as an ally in your efforts, if you haven't already.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Thank you so much. I need to hear this from someone who has been through it. I am driving myself crazy trying to analyze things, but there is no analysis to be had. Who the Hell knows what she is thinking and why?
Thank you.
As for the timeline, I was referring to the time when I'd begin to see some small positive signs, not a complete turnaround. Sorry I wasn't more clear.
My hope is I can begin to see some positives in the next 2-6 weeks to help keep me going because I know I'm in for a LONG and bumpy rid.
Thanks for the link to the post. It is great.
Now we're off to Chuck E Cheese's to play. The W HATES the place and refuses to take our daughter there even though she LOVES it.
SPM- I'm beginning to understand the need to REALLY pull back as all I'm doing is pushing right now. I pretty positive she doesn't want a divorce, but unless I pull the 180, she'll take off running.
As for the texting, I've decided to be consistently inconsistent and not nearly as verbose or wordy with her in our conversations. That will keep me in control and help me to avoid becoming too co-dependent and stuck in her emotional inconsistencies.
I'm also going to give her very little about my therapy sessions even when she tries the grilling of "so, what did you and T speak about today?" or "tell me what you went over." I've been just letting her know it all because I'm not hiding anything, but I think if I'm a bit more mysterious, it will be better.
As for involving the T, I just finished the DB book while I was in DC this past week, so I'll need to talk with him and bring it up when I see him on Tuesday.
Got to run to Chuck E Cheese for Grace to have some fun!
Real quickly clue me in...are you the WAS? That's what I seem to get from this post. If so, thank you so very much for posting. It is helpful to hear the thoughts and read what an actual WAS is going through. I feel it can serve to help those of us here dealing with WAS's in MLC or whatever the reason is to understand what they are going through and how they are living away from us.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Nevermind I figured it out after reading them all. NO you are not the WAS. SORRY to have misunderstood. Best of luck to you all with your efforts. This sure is the hardest job we have ever had to do.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
SPM, to answer your question on another thread, just after my H told me that he wanted to leave, I found a book called "All you need is love and other lies about marriage" which was a real eye-opener for me about some of my behaviour. I wish I had read it years ago.
In DR and the Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele makes some of the same points, which again increased my understanding of the situation from my Hs point of view. I hope to one day give him the SSM to read - it may help him heal some things, too.
yes, I know you're right Ingrid. I know there are lots of factors. I have read every book, too many books. Too much reading and not enough hand-holding and hugging.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Today I woke up missing my family. I want to be back with them, badly.
I am still taking it slowly. Soon I will be spending more time with my kids, either with or without W.
I turned around my mood by reading some uplifting stuff. It snowed here this morning; school is cancelled. I am thinking about the kids and maybe driving out to see them. Maybe I will call and see if W will lower the drawbridge for me.
