It's not that my friends are telling me what I should do. For the most part they do listen and a couple are even asking the right sort of questions, like, "what do you want?" and "you need to do the right thing for you". It's just that I don't seem to be able to keep my mouth shut about my sitch and when h hears that nearly all of my close friends know what has happened, he gets pissed off because I think he would feel (rightly) ashamed and not able to face them. What he probably doesn't realise is that I am talking to these friends to get alternative view points and not to h bash him. Unfortunately, what ends up happening is that (as most people know here) my friends don't want to see me hurt and want to fix the pain and the quickest way they can see that I can do that is to kick his bottom to the curb. I don't seem to deal well with dealing with my own judgement and am constantly second guessing myself and hating to upset/anger h (and myself). I don't like emotional pain, I am so scared of feeling it that I will suppress what I really need/want in order to avoid the short term pain.
One of my good friends who is divorced is one of the people I trust the most. She was supportive of me when I was scared of him and gave me information when I needed it. When I saw her this w/e and told her I was thinking about reconciling with h, she freaked a bit, but then I told her that I wanted to be sure that I unturned every rock in order to try and save our marriage, she understood and changed her tack completely. She was the one who encouraged me to invite him to her party (after it had started) but I'd already hurt his feelings and it made him feel like an afterthought. *shrug*
The plus is that he came around late last night and stayed the night. He feels bad this morning because we ended up ML and it wasn't what he intended. All he intended to do was to sleep next to me but when things started I didn't object except to insist on protection - so I told him that I wanted to connect with him and ML is the best way we seem to know how to connect. I also told him I appreciated (just as much, if not more) him saying that he didn't intend for that to happen and wanted just to be next to me. I don't know if we can make it work, I just don't want us to hate each other or not be able to talk at all.
