well I have children...my H left and was the king of NC...even though we had a S9 when he left he would go months and months with NC...at times I wondered if he was alive...I was not allowed to know where he lived...what he was doing...nothing!!! Once he went 6 months...I finally tracked him down through old phone numbers on his phone bill because I was seriously thinking he might be dead or something seriously wrong...NOPE...he just didn't want to hear from me/us or have any contact...no return calls to our kids...nothing...
I felt guilt because I felt like it was me that was keeping him from his kids...it was a time for me to realize that it wasn't me...
The positive to this is eventually my H did return...but as you know there is no guarantee...and that is what you are dealing with...the NC and the unknown...all I can say is I am sorry...I hope things work out for you...and yes, there is still hope...
I just happened upon this thread and it reminds me of my neighbors story, sort of.
Her H of 35 years left her this summer--while she was at a conference in CA. He left a note saying it was over, he hated her, not to ever contact him (talk about cold blooded!).
He wouldn't answer her calls or emails. She just didn't get it. over the past several months I spoke to her occasionally "So have you heard from Michael?" Nope, not a peep. She wanted so badly to know "why." Then a month or so ago she got divorce papers in the mail. Still, he refused to speak to her. Well, 2 weeks ago the police came to her house and told her that Michael was found dead--died of a heart attack in his sleep.
Can you beat that? So now she will never have an answer from his mouth. But you know what? Even if he had told her "why" would that have been closure for her? Would that have been reason enough or "made sense" why the man she loved, was married to for over 3 decades, had three children with, would suddenly and without warning leave her?
I highly doubt it.
Wantlove...what makes you upset the most? Is it because you love him and want him back? Is it because you take it personally and feel that your confidence has faltered in the wake of his crazy departure? Is it because you will feel unsettled until you have a reasonable explanation? Is it because you feel like you cannot move forward with this cloud of mystery hanging over you?
I would probably feel the exact same way as you if my XH stopped contact all together (frankly I'd rather that--you should read his mind numbing emails!). I'd feel like I was a piece of no good garbage that wasn't even worth the consideration of a "hello, how are you?" But I would be wrong in thinking that because I mean, how crazy is it to do that?! This is and always has been, about HIM. NO matter how good, bad or ungly your marriage was you made a choice to stay, he made a choice to leave.
You are thick in the mire and clearly still in very much pain and I think the question everyone is trying to ask you is why are you letting his actions, which you cannot control, control your happiness? Will his contacting you, even to "spew" truly be a relief? I know you think contacting you to spew would at least be a sign that he is thinking of you, but believe me, he IS thinking of you. Perhaps he has recurring nightmares about leaving you. Perhaps he is haunted by his actions and wants to shake them out if his head because he knows he screwed up and can never fix it.
HAve you ever had a friend you didn't contact for so long that you went even longer not contacting them because you felt guilty that it had been so long? And yet, you thought of them all the time because you knew you owed them a call or something.
YOu never know how people's minds are functioning and that is why we can never base our actions on the actions of others.
Anyway, I am sorry you are in such pain and I do wish you some relief from the heart ache. Life does get better...time is an amazing healer.
I haven't tried to get answers from him because, as so many here have been told - and suggested - he doesn't have the answers....why is it that my leaving him be is the problem here, when for others it is the solution? It is always about letting them go, just being concerned about us, and yet when I do that, it seems like I get questioned about it. What exactly am I supposed to do?!?!? I know he is alive, what else can i honestly do?
I've seen a lot of your posts, and honestly, I've looked forward to them. You understand the total NC thing....people are asking me why I'm not contacting him for answers. Am I crazy?!?!? You once mentioned your H and deep depression. I really think that may be the case here. How do I let hik know thqt I am here and that I care - I know he already knows, but.....
I am committed to this marriage, but it is so confusing to read posts where people say that letting him be is the key, and then question why I am not stalking him!
Wantlove - I don't think that NC is the answer to every situation. I did the NC thing while my ex and I were separated, and it backfired. I think it backfired in my case because one of our problems was communication.
You have to try things and figure out if they work or not in your situation. If something doesn't work, try something else. It's basically just trial and error. There is no one size fits all solution.
I am not sure what your beliefs are, but I have found great comfort in seeking God and his answers for my life. I am sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things really will get better. Time is on your side. ((HUGS))
M: 29 H: 27 Married: 6/22/02 Bomb: 6/12/06 H moved out: 6/16/06 Signed D papers: 1/8/07 D final: 5/14/07
In my case I'm not the one who initiatied NC - he did. Earlier on, with some really good advice from this board, I sent a quick email - got NOTHING. I've left "business-realted" messages 2 times on voicemail - got NOTHING. It is pretty clear that reaching out, no matter what aout or what form, isn;t working. Is NC worjking? I don';t know. He could be having the time of his life, be hoirribly dperessed and shameful, or somehwere in between.....
Wantlove - I don't think that NC is the answer to every situation. I did the NC thing while my ex and I were separated, and it backfired. I think it backfired in my case because one of our problems was communication.
You have to try things and figure out if they work or not in your situation. If something doesn't work, try something else. It's basically just trial and error. There is no one size fits all solution.
ABSOFREAKINLUTELY! This is the key woman. Go with your gut. If you gut is telling you to do something and it is gnawing at you, then listen to it. I really don't know what your situation--if you know where to contact him or how, but if your gut tells you that you need to let him know you are there for him, then why not do it? What's it going to hurt?
Look, there's nothing you can do to change the situation right? So why not at least follow what your heart tells you? YOu're not going to be a crazy stalker or fall down at his feet begging him to come home, we know that.
You just seem so torn about what to do. I ask you again, what do you want to do? Forget DB, forget all the other stuff people have told you, what is your gut telling you?
