LRT UNDER SAME ROOF III

[COG]

Craig,

i do not want my wife to have years of regret due to the breakup of our marriage.

You do not control that. She will have to live with her own decisions. To attempt to "save" her is a VERY controlling idea. You have to let go my friend.

my first wife to this day, over 23 years, regrets not working out the marriage problems and stayin together.

Your current W does not want to hear about your former W's mistakes, especially told that she is making the same mistake.

i would like to be able to point it out to her, without trying to make her feel guilty.

She wouldn't feel guilty, she'd just feel like you're making a feeble attempt to control her. Trust your W my brother. Trust that she is aware of the consequences of her actions. Don't make this easy for her, make it REAL. Just do, act, and report from a practical, not emotional standpoint. She's a big girl, she knows the risks and the consequences, or at least she's going to know. The longer you can delay the D the better. That'll give you more time to DB.

God bless you my friend. Hang in there, stay in reality, let go, and keep on praying for what you want.

COG

[transformer]

Dear Craig,

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing and tell you that I"m pulling for you!

T

[craig54]

cog, as soon as i wrote that i wanted to erase it. of course i did not say anything to her. i knew was wrong. feel much better today. dont worry about me. iam fine. alot of the other posters need your wisdom.

[COG]

You're a good man Craig. Even us good men have crappy things happen to us. You understand that we are all flawed, imperfect, and have the propensity to sin. It's no different for our S's. The best we can do is pray for them, forgive them, accept them, and let them go. Stay focused on your own eternal salvation, and let not the things of this world drag you down into the pit.

God Bless,

COG

[craig54]

well, just received the first set of d papers. really odd to see something so tangible of the possible end of my marriage. am glad w is not home right now. bummed out. but will not give in or give up. the Lord is in charge of the situation. must stay out of his way.

[craig54]

wife says that i am sabotaging her attempts at moving out on her own. why, because i spent 99.00 on a sport coat. it was on sale. i looked at her and said , what are you talking about. it was from my 30yr christmas bonus. she says i have been mysterious lately. she says she always told me when she spent money on clothes. i said as long as we had money to pay the bills, i did not care how much you spent on clothes. i never spend money on clothes. i never complained about the money. whoa!!.

[john210]

Craig,
Maybe she is just looking for a fight...I know I have had to endure some rather strange arguments considering W wants out of M.

[COG]

Craig,

wife says that i am sabotaging her attempts at moving out on her own. why, because i spent 99.00 on a sport coat.

This is the reality that I mentioned in one of my former posts. Your W needs to experience the reality of the changes that are going to happen. The finances are going to get real tight. Allow that to happen. Live your life the right way, and do not feel guilty about that. You made the right purchase, don't cave in to her mental state. Let her feel how she wants to feel about it, and you stand the rock, the man.
It is incredibly important for you to be wise with your money right now, but at the same time, not a doormat. "W, you may think I'm sabatoging your attempt to leave, but I will not do that. You are free to go. I wish you would stay with me, while I work on being the man I need to be, I'm going to miss you. But I need to keep on living too, and moving forward with life. I realize the finances are tight, and I'm being careful about what I buy and I trust you'll be the same.

she says i have been mysterious lately.

Your response, "ya, I've been secretely having an affair with the old woman next door", or "I've been trying to hide the brand new Mercedes that I bought", or "I can't wait until you get your stuff out of her so I can rent your room out". Something light, and fearless but not cocky.

This is definately not a time to go defensive. Just make the right decisions for YOU, and stand your ground. Above all, keep your cool.

God Bless,

COG

[frank_D]

Hi COG, this is a great statement. I'd like to add some very minor upgrades that I think are more 'manly'. I don't mean any disrespect, I think you are right on the mark with this.

"W, you may think I'm sabatoging your attempt to leave, but I will not do that. You are free to go. I [wish you would stay with me, while I work on being the man I need to be] -> (would prefer we work together on relationship. I understand your feelings and I agree with you that it won't work, so I'm letting you go and I'll help you find a place to live.) [I'm going to miss you.] <<<-- (don't say this, she needs to wonder if you will or not). Add --> (Just like you) I [need to keep on living too, and] am moving forward with my life without you. I realize the finances are tight, and I'm being careful about what I buy and I trust you'll be the same.

The only thing I am adding in these changes is this: You come across as a man who is DONE also. You state that you PREFER that it work, however you UNDERSTAND that SHE doesn't feel the same way. By doing so you remove all her arguments that you are 'blocking her escape'.

In my case 2 years ago I told my wife very emphatically that "I have no illusions about your desire to be divorced and 'free'. When are you moving out?"

Then, a few months later after no action, I told her "So I think you said you were moving out this summer (in a couple months). Have you found a place yet?"

Yes, it scared her to death because she believed she was losing me for good. In that situation, it turned the tides eventually.

[craig54]

frank, cog, thanks for the input, was a strange weekend. chewed me out this morning because i did not say goodbye.