W has filed for the D,where to from here

[HHIF]

I have backed way off,still friendly but not asking questions or dicussing R.

She asked me to lunch yesterday and then to day came in Church and sat by me,and it's amazing how God works,the message today was all about family.marriage,and having faith in God to restore damaged relationships,and about raising our kids in a christian home with both parents setting an example for them.

It really hit home and I know it has her thinking,she asked to lunch after church,nice time together,no R talk,we will see what happens,I am just being cool but friendly.

I could be wrong,but it just feels like she is really starting to second guess herself about the D.

Patience is hard but I have learned that you have to have a ton of it,along with allot of prayer and a strong faith that things are going to be ok.

[micoms]

HHIF,

Wow is that timing or what. You go to church and message is about families and restoring damaged R's. Hopefully she's started rethinking but try not to read too much into her actions. Let her lead the way on R talks and just listen and try to understand her point of view.

My W has said that we could work on our R and get it back again, but it would go back to where we are again. She's afraid to try. She doesn't think changes I'm making in myself aren't permanent, only to get her back. How can you reassure them?

Mike

[gForce]

I am having the same problem. I think W thinks my efforts are simply a ploy/manipulation. Just keep it up. If you are consistent in your changes, eventually she will have to believe it.

[HHIF]

I'm never sure what to make of things she does,she asked me over tonight to cook steaks on the grill.asked me if I wanted to go to the grocery store with her to pick up things for dinner, so I said sure,while we are in the store her cell phone rings,she looks at it but doesn't answer just puts it back in her purse,when we get back to the house she takes her phone and goes in the bathroom.
I wanted to say something.like ask who called or why she didn't answer.but I didn't,I just let it go.
She has told me that there is no one else.that she has just lost that in love feeling and that's why she wants a D,I want to trust her and that's why I didn't ask about the cell.
One of the things I did wrong in our R was be very jealous,after she would answer a question like who was that calling you,if I didn't like the answer I would ask again,that was wrong ,it showed that I didn't trust her and it had allot to do with where we are now,that's why even though I wanted to,I didn't ask about the call.

[micoms]

My W never calls unless she's returning my call, but then again she is usually asleep when she's not working. I'm the opposite, I'm not a jealous type, I always knew W was with me, if other men looked or stared at her I took it as a compliment that my W was good looking. I guess it upset her that I wouldn't get mad. I never asked her for detail;s when she went out with the girls, just where did you go. did you have fun?

My efforts to GAL were hampered by my recovery. I was unable to do most anything for 3 months. Now I can get started at it. Next weekend I'm going to stop by D24's house to see GS, be all dressed up. If W or D asks where I'm going , I'm seeing a movie with a friend. Let W think about it. Also set me back on changes in myself, I'm going to get started on some of them now.

HHIF it wouldn't do you any good if you asked who called, no matter who it was she would have told you a friend and not elaborated. Only would have made you more suspicious.

Mike

[HHIF]

I know you are right,that's why I didn't ask because it would have done nothing to make anything better,only could have made things worse.

Good luck on the GAL,I have been doing some of that,just say I'm going to dinner with a friend and never give any details.

I am not really dating anyone and don't plan to,but it's ok for he to think maybe I am.

It may not even bother her,but I think it does at least make her think and maybe take a second look at what she is doing.

[micoms]

HHIF,

That's what I'm going to do also, let her think I've moved on. We've been S since July, maybe it's time to go on a date. Maybe "accidently" run into friends while out. I don't know if W will get jealous or not, but I think she thinks I'll always be waiting on her to come back. A little seeing I may have started to move on might slap her upside the head.

I thought about maybe taking some dance lessons. It will be hard to find time though, I've got rehab 3 days a week and am on call another, although the day rotates. I was on Sat and worked 11.5 hours, extra money for me and bills!!

Mike

[christarn]

Mike...I am working at, I hope he does come around...we shall see..treating him to some home cooking the next two nights...and I'm baking for him...way to a man's heart...thru the belly ;)..thanks for the words of encouragement!

I wish I knew then what I know now...as my dad used to tell me hind sight is always 20/20!!

I wish your W would come around, I wish I could tell her my motto...or send her some of the books out of my mini-library!! I would help you out in a heart beat!!

take care
Christa

[micoms]

Christa,

Thanks, my W is in MLC, she's rewritten our history. Says she hasn't been happy for 10 years. Some of the best times we've had were 8 or 9 years ago. We used to go out dancing about every other weekend, it was so good to hold her close to the slow songs. A couple of times we got so worked up we got a room instead of coming home!! I guess she forgot about those days. I wanted to get back to going out dancing, we went out once and had a great time. But she can't get a weekend day off so we only went the one time in the last year.

What's for dinner?! I'd give about anything for my W's meatloaf. It was the only thing she knew how to make when we first got M'd. Must have had it 3 times a week, LOL.

What books have you read that you think might help her? Don't know if she would read any or not. But I could always buy her one and see.

I'll agree on the hind sight, I can see things I could have done differently now that wouldn't have been a big deal now. W had to get up for work at 3AM, so she was in bed by 7 or 8. I could have bought a TV for our bedroom and gone to bed with her and watched TV in bed. One of many.

Mike

[christarn]

Mike...once I found out that the grass was so thick and full of dog poop that it would take me days years to mow it down...I found myself reading good old Dr. Phil! I started with his book Love Smart...from there I found myself contemplating with myself all of the decisions and self ritcious behaviors I had put my H thru. By all means he was no angel. I had a lot of anger built up inside and no where for it to go...it all went out on him. I lost both of my parents so early on in life...and I expected him to make up for that. It was an unfair justification that I made. I have read so many good books, and I think more than anything time to grow as a person has done me more good than anything. I have read 3 of Michelle's books..DR/DB and she has one about talking/learning about men. I have also read one called Fighting for your Marriage. I have read an awesome book reccommended by DB coach called How to improve your Marriage without saying a word. Another one is called Take back your Marriage...oh there are so many. I have taken bits and pieces from all of these and learned.

My biggest issue/dilema is my H. 5 or so years ago when we were simply dating...not living together and my dad was really sick, and he (H) took a job traveling...my plate was full...so I told him we needed to stop seeing eachother. I went on a couple dates with another guy. After my dad past and we worked things out, moved in together, got married, yada yada... He continuly throws this in my face. He says I have left him twice, I will do it again. I have a huge issue with this, for two reasons. 1. I don't feel something that happend over 5 years ago should have relevance in this a current issue. 2. We are now/currently married, the stakes are much higher, we made vows, commitments, and promises to no matter what make this work. I know and completely understand and take responsibility for walking out. But i'm for sure not the 23 year old from then, and the issues that were taking place during that event and that time are not in play here. Some advice here would be much appreciated! sorry to hijack your thread!!!

As for dinner...well I am going no holds barred. I am doing grilling tonight..probably some chops, tomorrow I am doing some chicken fried chicken with taters and gravy. I have been in baking mode some I am doing some brownies and rice krispie treats as well. One of most favorite things in the world that I cook is lasgna, so I am going to make a pan to take down for him to have for the rest of the week...so on that note I better get going!!

Glad your rehab is going so smoothly, I am VERY happy to hear you are one of the lucky ones with good health care, I see so many people that do not. I don't know if you take Plavix or not, but I will use this drug as an example. For people without insurance, this drug is not available in a generic, and it is 350 dollars per month...very sad!

hugs
Christa