There was a time I wanted to know everything...every detail...but the counselor agreed with H that it really was not needed for me to know...that knowing would only result in more pain for me and images that were more real...he did tell me somethings much later...but only to lessen my angst that I was feeling...my imagination had things so wonderful with them...and very very sexually fulfilling...and with H being LD this was hard on me...but he did let me know that what I was imagining was not the reality of their relationship together...it wasn't "all that" sexually...this helped me...
I don't think knowing more details would help...even though at times I wondered...I had to put that out of my mind though...STOP the thoughts...
I do think it would be important to know if the A was ongoing...ONLY if you were working on the M...if the WAS was still gone that knowledge would really mean nothing...but if they are home...you have a right to protect yourself physically and should know...
I don't check up...H has told me I have a right to see things if I feel that I don't trust him...he understands that at times I might feel distrust...but I have never felt the real need to ask him to provide any proof to me...but it is good to know he has nothing to hide...like he did before...
Appleroad...I liked what you wrote...and I think you are very much headed in the right direction...This is where I am...and I think this is where all of us aspire to be...even if our WAS don't come home (mine did)...
"But I've gained so much confidence in myself over the past several months that I have the idea I'll be OK no matter what happens. Also (hopefully!!) I think I'll be more able to know what is going on in the relationship better in the future than I did in the past. I won't allow withdrawal from the relationship to go unchallenged or unrepaired the way I did in the past. So it's not a matter of worrying over xWS 'lies/future lies', it's a matter of keeping the relationship in a very good state of ongoing maintenance (what we likely didn't do before). Keeping agreements, noticing withdrawal, asking the questions that need to be asked promptly, dealing with relationship problems promptly."
