Over the course of the last few months, I've shared some long one-on-one conversations with a total of six trusted individuals I know about my situation. Without writing a book, my story is similar to so many as have been related on this board (HD's in LTR's with LD's and all that goes with it). Previous to this, I kept my problems strictly between myself and my spouse.
What I have found interesting is the different takes that different folks have with this circumstance, and their varying outlooks. Although all of them are intelligent, introspective folks, who did a great job of listening, asked pertinent, penetrating questions, and appeared to give considerable thought to things, they came down in different directions.
At one end of the spectrum, a man I'll call ONE is a fairly religious man, expressed amazement that the degree of suffering I described. With great compassion, he stressed that I cannot divorce my wife, no matter what, citing the biblical view that God hates divorce. He felt that the only real christian course of action would involve toughing it out, if necessary, and that the redress for my misery will come in the afterlife. (Easy for you, who haven't walked in my shoes to say, I thought!) I like to think of myself as a christian, and many of his words continue to haunt me.
TWO is a long-time business associate of mine, still married to his first wife, who, while not terribly religious, simply believes divorce to be just too sad (and too expensive!) a thing to contemplate. And sad it is.
THREE is a mature clergyman, who has, by now, heard every marital conflict story under the sun, including mine. He actually opined that NOT participating in the sexual aspect of marriage is a form of adultery! He recommended I track down a copy of Dr. Marie N. Robinson's "The Power of Sexual Surrender", a late-50's era book that dealt with what we used to call "frigidity". Though some folks may find parts of it simplistic or even offensive, and terminology may be dated, it was an interesting read. One of the case study examples was so similar to my wife it was astonishing. (FWIW, my wife eventually read it and pronounced it complete crap, oh well). On the balance, this fellow was fairly non-judgemental of my situation, and I was left with the impression that one could actually choose divorce and still remain a christian.
At the other end of the spectrum, after hearing my story, FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX were pretty strong that I need to confront my guilt and it was entirely reasonable for me to get divorced. FOUR is a fellow in his 50's with whom I have much in common, other than the fact that he's still happily married to his first wife and continues to have a satisfying sex life.
FIVE is a single middle-aged woman who I've known platonically for some time and who would comfortably describe herself as HD (she looked at it rather simplistically, opining, "listen, if my man doesn't want to F me, I'm out of here, period!").
SIX is a currently married woman, an attorney, who has begun divorce proceedings herself, she being the HD partner with a LD spouse(don't jump to any conclusions, we aren't each others' types). She likewise believes divorce the best remedy. Though it should be pointed out that her spouse has other severe behavioral issues far beyond those of my wife.
Different people, different reactions. And these are the only individuals on this earth I've discussed this with.
I've been separated from my spouse for over a month now. Family members have been prying as to the reason for the discord, and I uniformly tell them I'm not going to discuss it with any of them. I truly want to spare my wife the embarassment I know she'll feel if so much as a peep gets back to her, and all it takes is one leak.
Anyhow, this is a little thumbnail about different human reactions to the same story, and I thought it might be a worthwhile conversation-starter.
