I'm so happy for you, LogInName. And you really deserve this success, you worked hard for it (I've read your whole thread)

I printed out today's posts from Deauxlie and imLIN for my own reference, I thought these were really excellent posts. I am dealing with/have very recently dealt with the same issues you are now struggling with. It is so perverse, but I guess maybe to be expected, that these things would come up for us just when things are starting to go well. I read the story of an LBS who did go on to reconcile the marriage totally after an EMA in which the WAS was living with OW for several months. LBS said that she experienced intense anger after the fact, after H returned and they were in MC together, with H committed to M and willing to work on M. She and H made an agreement that she could tell him her feelings during a time-limited session once a week, and she did that 4 times -- this arrangement, BTW, was not mediated by MC but by the couple themselves. LBS compared the timing of her anger and also her response to this anger as being like if her child crossed the road against heavy traffic -- what she really wants is for child to be alive/unharmed, and she prays for that, but when child does reach the other side safely then anger is experienced and the child is berated. I thought it was an interesting analogy, and coming from a veteran reconciler I paid a lot of attention to it.


Originally Posted By: LoginName

After an affair, do you need to know what they did, what they thought, why she/he did it? Does it help to know?

Do you need to know that they aren't having an A now? Does it really help to see their phone bills, records, etc? (If they want to, they can cheat and lie no matter how much you track them, right?)

My guess is, that it doesn't matter. Either you trust or you don't. They can lie either way. My question is two fold: 1) in general (or specific to you, dear reader) how much do you need and want to know? 2) Is there some processing, process, that is important to go through for the LBS to get over IT and to move on and is that process helped by Knowing more? What is fair game to discuss with you spouse, when he/she comes back?

Full disclosure: my opinion is you need to know next to nothing. The less you know the better. If you find yourself thinking about the OP, stop! It's not acting "as If" nothing happened, it's knowing that it's not the important part of the whole sitch.
Comments?


Regarding your questions on 'disclosure': I read the Shirley Glass book, "Not Just Friends". Glass is a therapist after my own heart, having done original research and published her results in professional journals as well as for the lay public. She has a lot to say about the disclosure process, feels it is essential for healing the marriage after an EMA. And I did go through the disclosure process with my husband at the beginning of our reconciliation. It is finished now, and I don't think I would have been able to reconcile without this. It was he who recognized that I needed to ask questions and he suggested this detail as part of our reconciliation agreement. I found that I appreciated this a lot, that he would do this for me, even though it is not a comfortable thing for WAS to do.

Maybe it was because H was so forthcoming with disclosure and maybe because the prospect of policing him (related to cell phone, computer etc.) just didn't appeal to me -- in any case, although I know a lot of people do this, I didn't and never want to. I'm happier just waiting to see what happens next, enjoying the relationship we now have and being fairly optimistic about continued reconciliation. But I've gained so much confidence in myself over the past several months that I have the idea I'll be OK no matter what happens. Also (hopefully!!) I think I'll be more able to know what is going on in the relationship better in the future than I did in the past. I won't allow withdrawal from the relationship to go unchallenged or unrepaired the way I did in the past. So it's not a matter of worrying over xWS 'lies/future lies', it's a matter of keeping the relationship in a very good state of ongoing maintenance (what we likely didn't do before). Keeping agreements, noticing withdrawal, asking the questions that need to be asked promptly, dealing with relationship problems promptly.