Newbie w/ LDH

[ksuer06]

Hello everyone! New to the site. I'm reading SSM and just got to the part where it says that there's a forum out there for many people like me. I put the book down and ran upstairs to log on! I have always felt alone in my situation (no matter how many times I've read that I'm not alone), but actually talking to others w/ these issues, that will help me realize that it's not true!! Here's my story:

Met H, and just wanted a one night fling. Well, that one night fling turned in to "friends w/ benefits" and now he's my hubby. Funny how that works! Before marriage we had great sex, every night, for the first few months. Then, I started to try and give him some tips to help me orgasm. This was something I did in all my relationships w/ men. Well, he started feeling inadequate, and then became withdrawn and couldn't keep an erection. I continued to want sex, and he continued to withdrawal from it. I lost a ton of weight (too much weight), tanning, working out, trying to become more attractive. Men started becoming interested in me, and I cheated on him a few times (before marriage) - although he doesn't know this. Then I started getting depressed about everything, gained a ton of weight, and felt ugly, disgusting, and worthless. My self-esteem went down the tubes. We went to a counselor (who had no clue what to do w/ us). We decided to "shop" for another counselor, and she helped out a lot. She showed me that it wasn't my fault, that he loved me, and wanted to be with me. He didn't have a lot of self-confidence due to his upbringing (no molestation or anything, just bad parenting). So he was supposed to work on "forgiving" his mom, but he never did. He told me that he didn't see how that would work, so he just gave up. We went to that counselor over a few years, and the last time that we went to see her was when she just said "maybe you need to redefine what "normal" is for you guys." That pissed me off beyond belief, I wanted to scream, at her and H b/c I just felt hopeless. We started to try and have kids, the anxiety grew (he felt that if he couldn't get me pregs, then I'd leave him. And he was less of a man for it). This just exasperated our issue. After a few months, I told him that we need to work on this, b/c I'm not bringing a baby in to this mix. So we stopped trying, but I was already pregnant at that time. Gained too much weight during pregnancy, H was no longer attractive to me (not that I felt that he was all that attracted to me to begin with). Our son is 5 months old now, and nothing has changed. I feel even more unattractive w/ my post-baby body, and now don't really want sex anymore either.

I am the type of person that fixes things. If there's a problem, I want to do everything I can to fix it. H, on the other hand, is the type of person to give up. We talk about our sex life (not often, but we do) and he knows that there's problems. Doesn't know what to do. Knows that I'm going to leave him or cheat on him, or both. Even though I tell him that our relationship is PERFECT in every other way, and I will work as hard as I can to fix this, he still believes that it's hopeless. I know that I can work, work, work, but ultimately he has to put some effort into it as well, but he has just given up. Which is extremely frustrating for me. I've asked him to read SSM and he says "okay" but has yet to crack open the book. Keeps reading his fiction novels instead.

When all of these issues first arose, I thought it was me. The counselor showed us that he has anxiety and performance issues. I've tried everything, pushing him to want it (doesn't work), getting super mad over it (doesn't work), crying in his arms over it (doesn't work) and ignoring that the problem exists and just hoping that he'll try (doesn't work). I've run out of options and am pulling my hair out. We're supposed to be trying to have another baby in May, but you need to have sex to have another baby. Not something that I'm looking forward to. More issues, more heartache, more tears. And a part of me doesn't want to bring another child into the relationship b/c it's destined for failure, and I don't want to hurt another being. He knows this, all of this. His response, I agree.

On the RARE occasions that we do have sex (about once every 6 months or so), all I do is think: "is he enjoying it? is he comfortable? my body is disgusting. is he still hard? is he thinking too much about staying hard? is he trying too hard?" and on and on and on. Basically, I can't enjoy it anymore either.

One more thing, he masturbates a few times a week. Sometimes w/ pictures in his head, sometimes w/ pictures online. I've asked him to stop b/c I feel as though he's cheating on me. He can get off w/ porn, but not his own wife. He says that he needs a release and sex w/ us is too complicated. So he resorts to other means. He's had is testosterone levels checked, and he's good. He's tried anxiety meds (welbutrin, the only one that doesn't cause ED, really screwed w/ him and he had to get off of it), so he's taking Lexapro, which helps for his anxiety in every other aspect of his life, but this aspect. I, on the other hand, no longer masturbate b/c once I start to touch myself, I start crying. Just longing for his touch. I can't enjoy masturbating when all I can think of is how much I want HIM to do it, not me. Our counselor said that I'm showing signs of depression. Even after that, he still has no desire to work on things.

The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you're doing and expecting different results. He knows that, I say it often. But his desire to work hard is gone, actually, it's never been there. He's always been a quitter when it gets tough (that sounds MUCH harsher than I want it to). I love things getting tough. Causes a challenge, which I live for. (maybe that's why I married him in the beginning, who knows).

Other than sex, our relationship is PERFECT!! He makes me laugh every day. We respect eachother immensely. He thinks I walk on water, and I feel the same way about him. I can't wait to get home to be w/ him every night. I love spending time w/ him. We just "get" each other. He's an amazing husband and father, and I couldn't imagine my life w/ anyone else. Other than on this issue, we rarely fight over anything - not even money! That's why I want this to work so badly. He's my soulmate! We've been together for 6 years, married for 3, and I've been dealing w/ this for 5.5. H is 30, I'm 27. I need HELP!

So, there ya have it. This is much longer than I realized! Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Thanks so much for this site. And thanks in advance for any advice!!!