I guess the feeling that I have about it is that he could do this again in the future and he would just think that since I was willing to take him back this time I would do it again. Does that make sense? Yes Michelle, I thought we were extremely happy. I know everyone says OW is a symptom of problems but I just don't see it that way in this case. I really don't. He never expressed any unhappiness before meeting her. We went out on a regular basis, we ML a lot, we met for lunch all the time, we loved spending time together. A week before the phone calls with OW started we went out and H was going on and on about how he loved being married to me and didn't know what he would do without me, blah, blah, blah. He told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. It was very genuine.
I did get a couple of kisses today, and he even said that he liked that but he just didn't want me to read too much into it. I think he does feel a connection through being physical. I told him that I didn't mean to pressure him or push but I just didn't know how to act around him. He said he didn't feel at all pressured by me. He said AT ALL. He said he totally understands my questions but he doesn't feel right asking me to wait for him while he sorts things out. I told him to let me decide how long I want to wait. He did say he felt like he was cake eating by telling me that he wasn't sure what he wanted but at the same time saying he didn't want a D.
I think I can separate the emotions from ML. Although he did say he was back on his ADs (which I see as a good thing), and that would hinder him ML.
To look at the positives for one, the kisses. Another one is that he wants to take me out for my B'day. He said he wanted it to be extra special. He even asked if I would be able to get off work early because we may have to travel a little. Really wanted to know what day I could do it, said he would need to make reservations. Seems like he is putting a lot of effort into it. I don't think the R talk set us back in his eyes today...just kind of hurt me. I am trying not let him see that though.
Well, despite his words, his actions are definitely promising. Sounds like he's acknowledging that a lot of this is his personal crisis and not about you. It's good he's not laying a lot of blame on you. And I hope you have a wonderful time for your birthday.
I totally understand the fear of replapse. I struggle with it even now, wondering WTF I'm even waiting around for if maybe people aren't right and I shouldn't be putting up with H's crap. Only you can know if you are done, but there are so many steps in the right direction right now. I think the trust is something that will be slow in coming, but just because it's not there now doesn't mean it won't ever be. Just try and keep some perspective - you are feeling a lot of emotions you have either suppressed or thought you had moved past. That doesn't mean you won't feel better in a week or two. As for the R talk - stop doing the things that hurt lol. Maybe you should hold off any more talks until you're a little more sure you'll like the resulting discussion.
(((klm)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, that is one thing about my H is that he has never blamed anything on me. He has said from day on and also said it in counseling that none of this is my fault. He said it was his personal issues. I almost wish he would say that I did something...so that I could work on it. He just says to please not think I could have done anything different, he just has issues.
I did tell him yesterday that I didn't understand his infatuation with OW. He told me that he always thought of her as a guy friend. I don't know if I have mentioned it on this thread, but he swears up and down she is a lesbian. He said that the newness of that relationship ("friendship" as he calls it) wore off very quickly. He said he still talks to her but not anything like he was. He says he doesn't really call her and they only talk when she calls him.
I guess I thought the R talk would go different. I had expectations....no more expectations! I will let him take the lead on that. He told me he felt like divorce was just so cold...I told him it was. He said several times that he didn't want to be divorced...but he couldn't expect me to sit around and wait for him to snap out of it.
Anyway, I will drop R talks for now. Hopefully we will have a good time on my B'day. I think it is a big step that he is wanting to do something special for me.
"He said several times that he didn't want to be divorced...but he couldn't expect me to sit around and wait for him to snap out of it."
well,that sounds like someone who has low self-esteem, they dont feel that you would sit and wait for them, or maybe hes testing you? Is he looking for reassurance? It doesnt sound like he wants out... I know how you feel in that he wont blame you, its maddening! My BF said the same, this isnt about you, this is all my doing, I really dont think its got anything to do with the way you are or behaved. In a way I found it frustrating because we couldnt progress, it meant he completely shut off to any R talk. Its just, this is the way it it. Its good your H has gone as far as see a counsellor and admit he has "issues". I'm not sure that once someone has gone through a crisis like this, as long as does learn from it, theres less likelihood of it happening again?
Methinks he doth protest too much - he doesn't have anything to offer? How about himself? He is definitely dealing with his insecurities and low self-image. I think he is, consciously or unconsciously, seeking word of affirmation, reassurances, and ego boosting words/actions from you.
I think you should look at this time as if you guys were dating again. You don't have as many of the day to day drudgeries burdening your time together, so make the time you do spend together special and fun.
I hope he stays on his ADs and keep up with his C. Those are such promising steps.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
He definitely has low self-esteem, I guess he always has in a way. I think kind of like your H Michelle(or at least what I think about your H) that he feels inferior to me in a way. I think a part of him has always felt he wasn't good enough for me and didnt know what I saw in him. I do feel like he is looking for reassurance, which is why I brought up the R in the first place yesterday. I wanted to let him know that I AM willing to wait. I don't know how long, but that is just something I would have to play by ear. I guess I will have to find another way to reassure him.
I know he is extrememly stressed about the job and money right now. I am trying not to add to that stress. I am glad he is taking the ADs, but I think when he runs out he will have to go back to the doctor to get a new prescription...and who knows if he will do that. He is not going to counseling, we went when this all first started. We went together and he went some by himself. I haven't brought it up again other than when he was talking about reconciling.
I don't feel as bad today as I felt yesterday. Michelle, I have to confess.....I opened the phone bill, actually there were two of them. I did that last night. There were a couple of calls to OW and a couple of texts, but NOTHING like it was. Hopefully all of that will sizzle out soon. I can't let his relationship with her drive my feelings. I keep telling myself that he moved away from her and chances are he will never see her again.
You are right about the dating thing. I will just have to look at it that way and take things slow.
Lol shame on you. I'm glad it was good news though.
Who knows what the future holds. Only time will tell. There's no point in worrying about things like whether he'll renew the prescription until it actually becomes an issue.
I'm glad you are feeling better today.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I know, I know, shame on me! I guess I should have shredded it.
Well, here is the latest...H called me tonight to go out to dinner. Guess what?? I already had plans so I turned him down. It killed me to do that, but at least maybe he knows that I'm not sitting around waiting on him. Maybe I will call him tomorrow and see if he wants to do something.
welcome to the phase so many others are trying to get to. i'm happy for you that you've gotten there, but sorry for the pain you have had to endure along the way.
i hope you understand that strong and complex feelings are very normal at this point. as is confusion and uncertainty. so perhaps you could begin by acknowledging to your husband you are pleased he wants to repair your marriage, but that both of you have a lot learn about how to do it...and must be willing to work on it patiently and in good faith. if you keep your wits about you, you can do this successfully.
if you are now in a position where you both want to go to counseling, then now is the time to make hay. remember, though, not all counselors are created equal, and both of you should believe you have a counselor who has the capability to deal with your specific issues.
could i suggest just a couple things to include in your approach to rebuilding your relationship?
first, i don't think you should avoid openly dealing with what happened and how it affected you. if you really want to open your husband up to soul-searching growth, focus more on how his affair affected you/hurt you/crushed you, and less on what a rotten person he was to do this. if he becomes overly defensive, it will block the empathy that might really help him learn from this experience. i also understand, though, how tempting it is to lash out because of your pain. don't get too down on yourself if this happens.
if the process has an endgame you can both see, it's better for both of you, and you're less likely to wallow indefinitely in the hurt. in the end don't you want to move past it...with time...into a better relationship? (aside - you should both understand, it will probably take a lot of time for the aftershocks to fully subside).
secondly, your husband has to know that it's reasonable for a person who has been betrayed to need extra effort and extra forbearance from him to make sure you feel emotionally safe. if he is wise, he will anticpate these things and be proactive in dealing with them.
third, he should know that in addition to the issues surrounding his affar, you want to use the healing process to make your relationship better than it ever was. this means that his participation in an affair should not bar him from bringing his own issues and concerns into the repair process. if these things are brought up at the right time in right way, i hope you pay attention to them.
finally, if you really want to be ahead of the curve, think of very specific behavioral things your husband can do to show his good faith and/or concern for your emotional saftey. this will let a good faith person know exactly what they need to do and it will let you know he has done it. and if you keep it reasonable, and not excessively paranoid, he should understand and want to do it.
i hope this helps...and please remember again how normal all the intense and mixed feelings are. also understand, though, that as many other stories on this website demonstrate, marriages can and do rebound to healthier places than they've ever been.
I think it's important to have that balance right now between spending time with H and doing your own thing. I say definitely see what he's up to tomorrow. Hope you had a good evening.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
