Once again, I'm not expecting you to really hear any of this, Cemar, but I was in the mood to write out my thoughts.
I have not seen ANY LD women on here actually achieve success.
This is not true. I have achieved success. And my success is not measured by anything other than the fact that cac (the "HD" partner in our M) has told me that he is happy with the way things have been going for us, and that he thinks our SL has really improved. And for him that means that he's happy with both the quantity AND the quality. He is feeling loved and desired by me. And that's the only definition that matters. This is not a flash-in-the-pan. This is happening because I am firmly committed to a better M and as a result, a better SL.
And what about Miss IC and RedHeadWife and Mr.LFL? (And there are probably others I'm forgetting.) But these are all people who have been LD and who have accepted their HD spouses' POVs and are trying to improve their sitches. They have confronted themselves and are working with their spouses to do what it takes to get their Ms back on track.
And then there's RJ. She says she is currently LD, yet she and her H have worked things out and are happy with their M/SL. She has put a lot of work into resolving their problems. And if they are both happy, then it doesn't matter if she is LD relative to him. It is completely irrelevant unless one of them starts feeling unhappy.
This is just yet another time of many that you are speaking in absolutes, Cemar, and there are no absolutes when it comes to people.
LD women actually believe that their POV is reasonable.
Some do believe this, but I did not. I never told cac or believed that he was oversexed or that normal people don't really have sex that much or that there was something wrong with him because he wanted to have sex. I was always aware that we had a problem with our SL, but I didn't understand the reasons behind it or what to do about it. Now I understand the contributing factors and I am able to do something about my part of the problem.
When you confront a LD person, even in a nice way, about their lack of desire, your essentially telling them that they are failures. Deep down, they KNOW this. They don't want to have to constantly confront their failure.
This is not unique to LD people. HD people have their own failures and contributions to a bad R and SL. You, Cemar, seem to be the only HD person on this board who hasn't confronted himself about his own failures and contributions to the problem. LD people aren't operating in a vacuum and are not solely responsible for these problems. They are not the only ones with issues.
She is living in that LD world. My guess is that she gets this info from OTHER LD women, as they often hang together.
My best friend, who I have known for 25 years, is HD and always has been. She might even be more HD than her H. We didn't actually discuss sex all that much, though. But she had spoken of times when she wanted sex and her H wasn't interested. She has never spoken of times when he wanted sex and she didn't.
Another of my good friends also seemed to be HD, or at least to really like sex. But we never discussed it much either. In some ways, my lack of interest in sex did seem not right to me. I never really admitted it to anyone because deep down I knew it should have been better and I felt somewhat responsible and guilty about it. But at the same time I had a lot of anger and resentment about not having my needs met and I just didn't know how to deal with that either. Neither cac nor I knew how to effectively communicate our needs to each other, so we felt powerless.
She will of course ignore the comments from HD women, as they are not normal to her.
Maybe she will. But you don't know enough about her to make this absolute statement. A few years ago I had an extremely HD female cyber friend (whom I met IRL) and I was fascinated by the fact that she loved sex so much and wanted it all the time. I thought it was pretty cool. Actually I really admired her for owning her sexuality and not being afraid to be a sexual woman. It was just out there, it was who she was. That really opened my eyes. I had never encountered anyone like her before. My local HD friends didn't ooze sexuality like this woman did. She made a big impression on me because she was so unlike me. I found myself wanting to be more like her, and this was the beginning of my examination of my own sexuality.
If your ok with divorce, tell her what you want, work on yourself, and give her 6 months. In 6 months, you will now the answer. If she can not change in 6 months, she never will.
Oh, please, Cemar, you've been posting here for years and you don't appear to have changed one bit. I think your posts from this month and from several years ago are basically interchangeable. I guess that means you never will change. You don't suppose that has anything to do with the stagnation of your marriage, huh?
IMO, the best (and most reasonable action) he could hope for would be that within 6 months of laying it all out to his W she acknowledges that there are problems with their M/SL and starts taking steps to work on herself. And as Cemar said, during this time, MichiganMan would need to confront himself about his own contributions to the problem and work on himself. They both acknowledge the problem, and they both do the work.
But giving someone an arbitrary deadline to "change," which I take to mean "fix" the problem, with everything solved, is ridiculous. It can be a long process, especially if she has been programmed to see sex as a bad thing. You don't just fix that in 6 months.
One of the things that is making it easier for me to keep forging ahead with owning my sexuality is that cac understands that things don't happen overnight. When I've had concerns, he reassures me that it takes time. "Baby steps," he says. That helps a lot.
Then of course there's cac's part in it. He has his own issues to resolve and I will be as supportive as I can be as he goes through the process.
