Reading something on another thread, about comparisons to the other person.... I remember a long while ago, maybe a year ago, while I was still in the house, my wife yelling at me, screaming at me, that I should just stop comparing myself to the OM.
It was surreal, because I wasn't thinking of the OM at all.
I know she suffers. Once in therapy she said she couldn't understand it - I was better looking, more reliable, more honest, etc.
The professionals in the mental health field have a word for people who have affairs with losers: Nuts!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
SRM - my h told me at the outset of the affair that the ow was 'Less good looking, less attractive, and not such a nice person as you' BUT [there is always a but] 'I am in love with her' OKKKKKKKKKKKK.
My wife has been locked in an emotional affair with a guy from work who has broken the physical part off with my W and moved in with a 22-year old. The OM has even gone out of his way to show my W how selfish and callous he is by announcing to her in mid-December that he was leaving work to go and have sex for the 1st time with his new fling.
Of course my W was devastated and she spent Christmas break talking about our R and making it better. We even went out and bought her a new wedding ring so she wouldn't have to wear the old one. Things were going well for us until the OM called my W on two consecutive evenings while my W was in Indiana with her family. When she got home, she told me that her and the OM were good friends and they were going to continue being friends. Now how is that for crazy? He treats her like dirt, essentially lets her know that she was replaced because she wouldn't sleep with him, but yet she values him so highly and is deathly afraid to lose him. By definition, I'd say NUTS!
They communicate at work daily and text like crazy at night. In the beginning, the W was good at keeping me posted of her conversations with the OM. However, on the evening of Thursday, Jan. 10, something happened that my wife said has caused her to no longer trust me and she is no longer in love with me.
My W invited me to spoon her in our bed (I'm in the guest room now) and we fell asleep. She woke me up and wanted me to put my hand down her pants, which I did and we fooled around. We stopped short of intercourse, but it was really cool to connect like that again.
Well, the next day, she was LIVID at me and said I had VIOLATED her in the night because she was asleep and didn't authorize the sexual contact and interaction. Did I think she was awake? Well, she was writhing, moaning, talking, and putting the death grip on the bed posts, so naturally I thought she was not only alert, but 100% into it. I was shocked to hear I was some sort of a sexual monster. Who wouldn't have read the tea leaves like I did? However, she did make me feel as if I was the one wrong here and since that evening, she's been incredibly distant and more interactive with the OM.
How's that for NUTS? I know this means I need to back WAAAY off, which is going to continue to happen. However, I can't help but think I'm the one who is NUTS because I'm willing to fight for her and us and I'm willing to take her crap on this.
This is the current deadly wedge issue for us and I know it is being used for her to avoid facing the real issues she has about herself and us. I also know the OM is another distraction that keeps her from focusing on the massive amount of work she needs to do.
I'm interested to hear what people have to say on this because I don't feel like I was wrong, but you can be darn sure I'll be waking her up and making her sign an notarized document before a situation like this will ever take place again.
Oh, well. If I'm nuts, I think I'm nuts for the right reason. Saving my marriage and getting this alien out of my wife is definitely worth the crap I'm eating right now. It doesn't taste good, but if I can keep fighting, pull a 180 and refuse to give up or give in, it will end up tasting like a well aged fliet mignon.
Enjoy church and the bike ride. Nothing makes me feel better than getting outdoors for a walk or ride. It's raining here. I'm thinking a movie or homework. I know it should be the latter, but the former gets me out of the house.
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Well, the next day, she was LIVID at me and said I had VIOLATED her in the night because she was asleep and didn't authorize the sexual contact and interaction. Did I think she was awake?
WTF?!? I can only guess that she felt guilty for cheating on the OM with her H. As twisted as that sounds. While I've had some very provocative dreams nothing that physical contact (esp of this nature) would not have aroused me from. Couldn't resist
Grace, Thanks for the hug. I need all I can get right now as I sure ain't gettin' 'em from home.
She told me that she was beginning to feel close to me again and feel positive and then I hurt her with that interaction. I violated her and she no longer trusts me and is no longer in love with me.
She claims she was having a "sexual dream" and wasn't inviting me to participate. However, she was the one who invited me into the room in the 1st place.
I agree there is guilt and I also think it is a defense for her to avoid working on us.
By the way, when she told me she was having a sexual dream, I asked "were you dreaming about screwing the OM?" Now she's again angry at me that I would 1)instantly assume that her sex dream was about the OM, and 2) that I would have the nerve to ask her who she was dreaming of because that is "private" info.
So, my asking her about her dream coupled with my "violation" has put me back on the bad list.
Oh, well. Another test to pass and hurdle to clear, I guess.
She told me that she was beginning to feel close to me again and feel positive and then I hurt her with that interaction. I violated her and she no longer trusts me and is no longer in love with me.
My knee jerk here is that this is BS and she's looking for excuses and ways to blame you. Sometimes I think they harbor so much guilt that this is the only way they can survive.
It reminds me of the "I was drunk/high" excuse some would use after having sex. Afterall, to admit we just did what we did b/c it seemed like a good idea at the time requires us to shoulder responsibility. Something as a culture we aren't good at. Hang in there.
I'm guessing my best bet here is to detach and pull a 180. If I put the focus squarely on me and not on her or our marriage, she'll be forced to notice.
My guess is that she'll do nothing or be nasty at the beginning, but if I can pull this off for a couple of weeks, I think she'd begin to come around.
I haven't heard your story, but are you in full 180 mode right now? If so how is it working? If not, what are you struggling with in your marriage?
Thanks again for the insight. I think she's looking to deny and blame me as well, but it is always very helpful to know you are on the right track when other people can validate and confirm your thoughts and suspicions.
Hey I wanted to comment on this post because something similar came up with me and the W when we talked on Friday night while I was in DC.
She was pissed at me (go figure as it is always and completely my fault, correct?) and as I was trying to be a good listener, I asked her to be specific about what has made her so angry. She began to rant about our finances and the debt we have (which is a mortgage at 5.35% and an equity line at prime -1.25% --> These are GREAT rates and she has NOTHING to worry about, but yet, she does).
In any event, I let her go on (and on, and on, and on) and the next day I e-mailed her and stated "I understand that finances are something that really make you nervous, so you can take over all of the finances for us if you would like. In fact, now would be a great time for that transition because I have to clear out all the files for taxes. I can begin to work on this with you when I get home."
Her response...I still haven't had one yet and don't expect to.
The verdict seems obvious to me -- if she takes over the finances, she'll have nothing to be bitter at me for.
This is one of the reasons I'm still fighting and won't quit because deep down, I just can't believe she wants out. She is messed up in the head right now and doesn't know what she wants, but a dissolved marriage isn't really it.
You guys are embolding me to stick to my guns on the 180 process and hang in there. It is a LONG road already and I'm sure it is going to get longer.
I'm grateful for your insight, support, and analysis. I have one last one from my Friday conversation w/ my W I'd like to throw at you to see what you think.
As I've mentioned before, we were talking, she was angry, I didn't get loud or upset, but I also stood up for myself and didn't back down (not in the DB doing a 180 manuscript). Anyway, she is angry, sad, or both and wants to end the call, which I do.
I then am able to chat with my therapist for a 1/2 hour to get grounded and kicked in the rear for the things I did incorrectly during the phone conversation.
In any event, roughly 2 hrs later, the W texts me with some playful message about the "dog still smelling like a puppy."
I text something back (probably shouldn't have, correct?) and mention that my therapist wanted to make sure I told her hello from him (My therapist is a great guy who knows us both and thinks we can repair our marriage in time).
I immediately get a text back asking "how often do you talk to him?"
I replied telling her it is usually just during our weekly sessions, but sometimes I'll call him once or twice outside of session, depending on what I'm dealing with. I ended the text with a simple, "Why?"
I got NOTHING from her for the rest of Friday and all day Saturday until I returned home at 9 pm. She was weird last night and "barricaded" her bedroom door so I couldn't get in.
Ok, is the happy to sad turn-around because she is freaked out that I'm working hard on fixing me or is she pissed at me talking to my therapist more than she works with hers? Is she pissed that my relationship with my therapist may be better and more productive than hers?
I know it is 100% speculation, but maybe you have something similar or another "knee jerk" call, because so far, you two have been right on the money for me.
is the happy to sad turn-around because she is freaked out that I'm working hard on fixing me or...Is she pissed for this reason or that... or...?
My answer your question - Who knows? Who could ever know? I suggest you just stay out of her head. It is a nutty world in there. Do your best to stay out of it. Sounds to me like you are trying to analyze why her actions look so nutty on the outside. I'll give you my guess. It looks nutty on the outside because it is nutty on the inside! I don't mean to be flip, but... from my point of view, MLC is just a fancy word for nutty. And I'm not criticizing either. My wife is also pretty nutty. The point is, you ain't gonna understand it, no matter what. It's nutty. Just take it as it comes.
Seriously, I know what you are going through. You're trying to follow along and "get it." Your trying to interpret her actions because you're not getting the dialog you'd like from her. But pssssstt.. here's a secret; There's nothing to get. There's no sense to it all. Stay out of all the day-to-day ins-and-outs. Elevate yourself above it. I'm not saying ignore her. There's no problem texting back and forth or whatever. But, spending your psychic energy trying to figure out the ups and downs - it's wasted effort. and it definitely is not "detaching".
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My guess is that she'll do nothing or be nasty at the beginning, but if I can pull this off for a couple of weeks, I think she'd begin to come around.
