Weird. I saw that you had a post Imageer but it would not go to it. I could only see my posting. Only when I went to look at all your old posting would it let me see it and then it shows the post is on page 6 of 5. Hmmmm. You have skills my friend!
Update: My next post corrected it. Part of the IT guy in me wanting to know why, lol.
Last edited by missmyfriend; 01/26/0812:14 PM.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
If I really think about it, I think it is possible that W never really wanted to leave. She wanted me to just be ok with her having an A with an OW. She actually suggested that when she had the one time A more than a year before the bomb.
I couldn't go along with that and she knew it, so I think she tried to ignore her desire while it festered inside her (coupled with being encouraged by Bad Friend) until she couldn't ignore it any more.
Just a thought for a Sunday Morning.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
If I really think about it, I think it is possible that W never really wanted to leave. She wanted me to just be ok with her having an A with an OW. She actually suggested that when she had the one time A more than a year before the bomb.
Did she think/say it was going to be a temporary thing and that's why she suggested it? I hope she's getting out of it, and sees problems in her R with OP too so she sees her share in any complaints that she might have had about your M.
She never said anything about it being temporary. Infact, she tells the kids "It's not going to happen" when they tell her that they want us to live togther again. On the other hand she definately deosn't try to avoid me with all the contact.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
She seems to have ups and downs. The biggest up was a couple of weeks ago and then she went back to being withdrawn. However, there is always contact, the thing that changes is her tone. If she is in a good mood, she calls and I get "Hi, how are you?!" If she is in a bad mood, I get "Hi!" or when I ask her how she is doing I get "Oh, I'm ok". When she calls several times in a day she even says things like "Sorry to keep bugging you" The thing that I try to never change is that when I talk to her, I try to always bein a good mood. I try to ask her how she is doing, I tell her that I hope she is having a good day and so on.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Imageer, I believe that is possible. In fact, I have thought about that for a year that what prompted my W to leave was when I told her that I could not accept an A with the OP. I will say though that with the confusion, if she was alone with the OP, the talk between them would probably have caused her to leave anyway. I would not second guess your decision although you probably aren't. You are probably just making an observation.
I believe you did the right thing. If you accept an A she is then putting you on the path to accepting it and you are both on a slippery slope. I think you stand a much better chance at restoring your M and your family by setting appropriate moral boundaries.
On a positive note, if she left to have an A with the OP plus did not like being told she could not have an A, then she did it in "anger" and was rebelling. If she moves through these emotions, she may realize that you were right in taking that stance. Her return will be with the knowledge that As can never happen again and that the family is it.
Just my two cents.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I really believe that she is on a downward slope through this. I don't think that she sees Bad Friend much any more and she no longer works with the other people that encouraged this. It is just her an OW now. I also know that she has money problems and that she has a lot of pressure on OW to drive her and the kids around. Something also went wrong the other day but I don't know what that was. She is also having performance issues at work (very unusual for her) All is not well in paradise.
I don't think this is over but I think it is progressing.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Imageer, I believe her statements to the children that she will never return is a warped (sorry, I don't mean that in disrespect to your wife; I am referring to her thought process) belief that she is being stable for the kids in saying this. In a way, it is good that she is not "all over the place" in this area for the children but I think it would be wiser that she say nothing at all rather than tell the kids something that she really doesn't know, IMO.
My W has said the same things to our children but they rarely ask her (probably because they are a couple of years older than your children). Our mutual friend (my coworker) did not say she would return but she did not say my W commented that it was over between me and her (our friend wouldve told me if she said it). Our friend was more concerned with me and the children and has stated that my W is very messed up so it may be best for all of us if we "move on".
You are, in some ways, in a better place in your R with your W because she asks you for your opinion and she desires it. She is keeping in touch with you. She is trying to stay connected. My W closes people off. It may not be a bad thing in my case because, as I could be mistaken, I think she avoids me because I think she feels she would fall right back where she was so easy, i.e. coming home and being the mom and wife she used to be. The sad thing is she doesnt know I do not want it to be the way it was. I want it to be better for both her and me, separate and together.
Imageer, I don't want to upset others here on this board, but if what I hear from you is accurate, I still do not believe this is going to be a permanent separation unless you make it so. Right now, it appears she acts as though she has two spouses, you and the OP. I don't think she is cake eating in this case. Most cake eaters are doing this because they are, to some extent, getting enjoyment out of this. I read no enjoyment for your W. I see a real need for her to have you in her life.
It is almost as though she is over a cliff and she is frantically trying to hold on to your hand with one arm while holding the OPs hand. And she doesn't want to let go even though the OP is desperately trying to pull on your W to pull her hand out of your grip. Your W doesn't want to let her go but she knows she needs you.
You show a lot of strength Imageer for your family. Hang in there.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
