Hey Choc, did I get from a previous post that you took a tack where you exposed the affair to everyone in an effort to get your W to stop? How did that work out for you?
Update: W had an engagement this afternoon, a training event. She asked if I would like to take the kids, do something with them while she was out. She is still operating on the "alternating weekends" custody plan, a mutual agreement we put in place for the separation 5 months ago, but which expired when she filed for divorce. I've asked for a more formal custody arrangement with more time with the kids, like a couple days+nights a week, but she has avoided that discussion consistently.
Anyway, when she dropped the kids off, at my friend's house where I am staying, she got out of the car and came into the house. No need for that, of course, but she did it anyway. I was looking good, shaved, wearing cologne, smiling. Hugged all our kids in front of her.
So off she went to the event, I had a nice time with the kids. When we met to exchange the kids, out at a restaurant parking lot, she again got out of the car. Again, there's no need for that. The kiddos were all giddy and jolly; we had had a good time. As the kids got into her car, I hugged em all, made em all giggle.
I made to leave, following the "break away first" approach. The doors of her car closed, and she started talking to me. So I stopped. I asked about her afternoon, the training event she attended, she explained what it was. I was interested, I mirrored her physical stance, I talked with her about it, asked her questions. It has to do with art, which she loves, and teaching art to elementary school kids. I really love her passion around art. Always have. It was one of the first things that attracted me to her.
Again I made to leave. She held me back, asked me a question about custody for the kids' spring break coming up. We talked about that and planned to resolve it later. I mentioned that I also want to talk about a formal custody plan, too. (she's resisted any discussion along those lines). And I asked her about the terms of sale on our prior (vacant) house.
Then again I made to leave. And then she stopped me and thanked me for the letter I wrote to her. She smiled. "Thanks for reading it," I said. I smiled too. Then I left without further delay. No looking back longingly.
I really don't think she wants a divorce.
Every time I do something to make progress on the divorce - separating finances, selling the house, establishing a custody plan - she balks, delays, defers, and withdraws. She has made no real moves as far as I know toward getting a job for herself.
Who knows? Maybe her plan for the financial side is that OM will support her. He has money. But it seems like it would be really risky for her to base a parenting plan, to be approved by the court, on support from the other man, who is 3 states away.
More likely it seems like she doesn't REALLY want to deal with the practical consequences of divorce. I am hoping that dealing with the practical reality will encourage her to look at the other aspects of divorce, too. And maybe she'll conclude that this marriage is worth saving.
By the way, I could have done better DBing in the interaction for kid exchange. In the car as I drove away I thought, I could have complimented her more on the art work she is foing. She is taking a leadership role in bringing art to school kids and I could have recognized that, and complimented her on it.
But overall I think it was a positive interaction. a baby step.
I am still bummed out that I don't see my kids as much as I would like, or in the way I would like. But I am being patient. I am waiting. Waiting. Working and Waiting. I can do this.
This morning I had the strong "I miss my kids" feeling. Just felt it, didn't let it overwhelm me. The night prior I had gone out to a restaurant and a husband and wife with 4 kids sat nect to me. I looked at that family and felt my heart melt. They have what I want, I thought. Fast forward to this morning - that was still on my mind. But I thought about my situation, it calls for patience. I do not need to argue about kid custody or finances now in the short term. I'm going to leave the arguing to the lawyers. I just sent the letter to her. Changing minds takes time. I am willing to wait.
after that, feeling hopeful yet patient .
saw my kids! Yesssss. Fed them lunch. Played at the pool. Everybody laughed, It was fun.
saw a friend at the pool. Told him W and I are having trouble. He already knew. I resisted throwing W under the bus, complaining to him about the affair. I just told him, "we're having troubles." I'm proud of me. No longer playing the victim with everyone.
Looked good today.
Had a couple of pleasant exchanges with W.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Grace, thanks for the Hug. I can use all of those I can get. Hey I love your name, too. Gave that to one of my daughters.
whathehellis monart?
ok, I just looked it up on the internet. No I don't think it is monart. but monart looks intriguing.
She's at the city museum, and there is a program where the museum agrees to allow their works to be exhibited in schools around the district. The museum also has a suggested mechanism for curriculum around the art, I guess. I don't think it is related to monart.
Grace is my name here only. I chose it in part b/c of Grace O'Malley (yes, the pirate). I love that your D has the name. It's what I would have as a name if I were to ever change it.
If you looked it up, you know that monart is a way of drawing that was developed for kids by Mona Brookes. Her book "Drawing with Children" is a good read for anyone interested in helping kids with drawing/painting.
Today: church, probably by myself. The pastor is a great guy, but his mentor/teacher, who has got to be 80 yrs old, sometimes gives the service. This old guy is a true joy. He's got a tremor in his hands but he has a peace in his heart and - this is so unusual, he is a complete crack up. He's funnier than Jay Leno.
What else? working on my buddy's garage I think. He wants to get it organized.
Maybe I will get in a bike ride today. if that happens it'll be three days of the last four of getting some outdoor fresh air exercise, which for me is so important. For the past 12 months or so, I was working out with an ipod. I had a bunch of good tunes on that thing. Nothing like getting a good sweat in, immersing into music. I took a month off, with the holidays, and the other stuff going on, but I am back now.
Whatchoo doing today, Gracie? how bout you RTL?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
SPM - Glad you like the new name. I need something to steel my reserve because honestly, I allowed her "blockade" of the bedroom affect me so much I was really thinking "F This! I don't need to be treated like this and I'm out of here!"
Of course, this means I've given up and have lost the battle. Everything I want would be gone forever. Cooler heads prevailed and I turned into the "normal" me and acted like it was no big deal.
My wife is heading into work to get things done that she was unable to do when I was gone in DC all last week. I complemented her on how cute she looked before she left and pretty much said nothing else about last night/this morning.
She was a bit sheepish around me, so I'm guessing I had some effect on her and she felt at least a little bad. I'm not ever expecting to here an apology, but to read her body language as sorry and ahsamed was vindication enough.
As for my day today, I'm going to hang out with Grace and see what she wants to do. It is raining here in Phoenix, so our options are a bit limited, but the plan is to hang out with her and have a GREAT time.
When W comes home, the goal is to have had a wonderful day that will carry over into a wonderful evening.
I'm also going to try and squeeze in my cardio as well to keep that streak going.
Make sure you find time to get out and exercise. It is on your mind and you know how good it makes you feel.
