BobbiJo...Before I found this site, I thought I was the only person going through this. Reading your story and how you are handling evrything has actually made me stronger. My husband text me today asking why we weren't filing our taxes together (we have not lived in the same house all year). I just responded because we decided to get a divorce. He just said ok, c u Sunday(he sees our son a few hrs each week), so I waited a little bit and jsut said ok, have a great weekend. I normally wouldn't have been that strong, I would have given in on the tax issue, but reading your story made me think that I need to have a back bone. Thank you!
ME 34 H 33 Married 02/11/2006 1st bomb- 06/05/2006 final 01/07/2008
Trust me Colorado, my backbone comes and goes on a daily basis! But I have realized the more I stick up for myself and take care of myself, the less I depend on H to meet all my needs and the less crap I put up with from H, the better things seem to go. The more I give in to my insecurities and dependence on him, the farther away he runs. So there is a definite learning curve, and you learn to adapt your strategies. Keep what works, STOP what doesn't.
For me that means avoid the cheeseless tunnel of calling H after an argument. I "chase" him via cell phone with calls and/or texts. I want to fix the problem now. He wants time to cool off. I have learned I am just going to get frustrated bc my calls will go straight to voicemail at that time, and my texts will go unanswered. I end up being the one hurt! So I finally stopped doing that. I am sure you are learning as you go, too.
I will check back tomorrow after school, assuming all of us are healthy and I get to go teach! Good luck everyone, I'll pray for you before I go to sleep....
So, I don't really know my status at the moment. Although being in limbo is better than some other situations I could be in.
H had the real, sit-down interview in Omaha last night. It lasted 6 hours! He had lunch with the guy, and spent the rest of the work day talking with him. Every so often the guy would step out for a conference call or meeting and H would text me. He said it was all going great he just had to decide if he wanted to make the leap. Since he complained in the past I wasn't supportive, I replied,
"Whatever you decide I will love and support you 110%".
Of course that doesn't mean I will move with him, I don't know that yet, but I will still support him. Then at 7:45 he went to dinner w/his parents and didn't head for home until almost 10.
I was trying to go to bed in Ds room at 11:30 but as soon as I opened her door she stirred and started to cry. Why is she a light sleeper all of a sudden??? So I went out to the couch. I had already left H a note that he could have the bedroom and I'd be in with D.
H texted me at midnight he was 30 min. away and had stopped for caffeine to wake up. I replied back something light-hearted and went to sleep. I must have been super groggy when he got home, having just fallen asleep I get disoriented. All I remember is he came out to the couch and told me to take the bedroom, he'd sleep downstairs. I was too tired to think and DB so I said, "I'm fine right here on the couch. I don't know what is so disgusting about me that you can't even get into bed with me." I think that's what I said, it sounds about right.....
He answered back, "Then just come to bed and lay in there with me. We can sleep together." Well, sleepy or not I was crabby that I had to argue him into it. So I said, "No, I am asleep already. Leave me here." Next thing I remember it was 5:20 and I get up at 5:45. I remembered him saying I could come in the bed so I went in to lay down. He was in the middle of the bed. I realized S was sleeping with him!! Crap! He must have gotten up in the night.
So I squeezed in next to H, facing outward. He actually rolled around and basically spooned me. No arms around me, but legs up behind mine....When I got up 15 minutes later I remembered that I had texted him an invite for a night of hanging out together this weekend. I haven't done that for a long time so I thought I'd try it. I asked, did you think about my invite last night?
He said, "Yeah, lets do something Saturday night." I asked, "Do you want to get a sitter or should I rent a movie for after the kids go to bed?" H said "Let me think about that part." I said okay, but to let me know by this afternoon bc I need to call the sitter for tomorrow and it is short notice.
So it is 4:30 and I haven't heard a thing today. I was busy at school all day so no big deal. But I checked my phone, no missed calls or messages. So I guess just get a movie since I haven't called a sitter??? And I don't know what H is doing tonight.
I actually did a "Do something different" this morning. I texted him that I thought he should go out w/his buddy Jordan tonight for a couple beers (notice I did NOT say all night!!). I said I knew he would miss Jordan if he moved to Omaha (he is 99.9% sure he will take the job) so he should spend time with him now.
Do you think that was good? It is kind of like sending him into Temptation Island in a way I guess, since when he goes out w/Jordan he has been staying out all night lately. Although on the other hand if he stays out all night again tonight after saying he wouldn't ever do that again, I will know where I stand. But he hasn't replied to the text either way, so I don't know what he is doing tonight.... Talk to ya later, time to pick up the kids! But he hasn't replied to the text
I hope you are able to keep your hair appt. It will do wonders for your PMA. I know I have come to cherish my alone time after not having any for the last 15 years. Just let your H know you thought he would be with the kids and made the appt. Maybe throw in something about wanting to look your best during your job search.
I think you did ok sending him the text about having beers w/ his friend. It shows him that you trust him.
Enjoy your date tomorrow. I haven't been able to get my H to spend any alone time w/ me since our bomb. I have only made a few suggestions but they have all been shot down or not responded to.
I am full steam ahead with the hair appointment tomorrow. I think I will go into Kansas City early and try on some suits. I have nothing to wear for an interview b/c I have lost 25 pounds since the last time I interviewed, 5 yrs ago....I had accumulated weight from both pregnancies so last January I bit the bullet and joined a weight loss center. I gained back 10 of the pounds over the early fall but after H dropped his bomb, I lost it back, probably too quickly. So anyway I need to get a suit that fits me. And maybe a cute dress to wear out in Beverly Hills. Wouldn't want to window shop rodeo drive in my old jeans...
I hope our "date" is fun. It isn't much of a date considering we are just watching a movie after the kids go to bed (I talked to H around 5 when he called me, and that is the plan). But then again, even before we had kids, back when we didn't make enough money to go out a lot, we used to hang out and watch movies on the couch together. So maybe this will turn out nice. I just don't want us to end up on different couches on opposite sides of the living room....but I am going to approach the movie-watching with an As-If attitude! As if we will have a laid-back, enjoyable evening. [Cue the crying child!! :D] As if we will actually sit on the same couch and like it. Come to think of it, I may go get a new pair of pjs while I am out tomorrow, just for the occasion. Nothing sexy, just a cute nightshirt or something casual but fun. Don't want to intimidate him with something too racy, but it couldn't hurt to look cute!
To avoid some awkwardness, I rented "3:10 to Yuma". My H is so in love with all Clint Eastwood westerns, i.e. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and Unforgiven. The reviews said 3:10 was the best western to come out since Unforgiven, which was over 10 years ago. So I am thinking he will really enjoy it. And I didn't want to get some romantic comedy with an unrealistic, everything-works-out ending. Didn't seem appropriate. I would have liked a screwball comedy like Wedding Crashers, movies like that make my husband laugh till he hurts himself. But there is a fine line between funny and dumb for us. Wedding Crashers, funny. Dodgeball, funny. Blades of Glory, dumb. So I didn't want to take a risk on getting something we would want to turn off after 10 minutes. Anyway, enough about movies.
When H called tonight, he was still moving hay around at his boss' farm 20 minutes from here. It was just after 5. He said he thought he would go out with Jordan for awhile tonight. I said, good, I want you to enjoy yourself. [Besides, with the haircut and movie, tomorrow is a fun ME day, so today can be a fun HIM day. He actually enjoys loading hay with a tractor all day.]
But then my good friend K called me around 7:15. She got "downsized today". How crappy to get fired! And her H works with my H (my H got him the job), so he may lose his job if their company gets bought out. Poor them! But anyway she said that my H had called her H to see if he could come out and help with the hay project (they were both raised on farms). But her H was having trouble getting ahold of my H (so at least I am not the only one sent straight to voicemail!). Anyway, she said H had called "not long ago", and that was at 7:15.
That will suck though bc if he is still loading hay at 7:15 it will probably be 9 or 10 before he gets ready to go out w/Jordan. So another late night. He just CANNOT stay out all night. He promised he wouldn't anymore when we talked Wed. so I need to trust that. Incidentally, I did ask him about an insecurity I have. He didn't even get mad! When he said he was going out w/Jordan after working in the field, I said,
"Okay, I have a dumb question. If you have been working in a field all day, how are you going to get cleaned up to go out if you aren't coming home first?" H replies, "I'll go get cleaned up at Jordan's." I gave some cheerful reply about how I just wondered if Boss' outbuilding had a shower in it (some do!). To tell the truth the paranoid me had visions of him going to ex-OW's house to shower and hang out. Because there are a limited number of places you can show up and shower other than your own home, and the YMCA
But I am going on trust here. He told me he ended it 4 weeks ago. Then Wed. I asked if he was still cheating on me, he said NO. So I have to believe it if I am going to try to improve our R.
Actually, I had a great night tonight, without H. The kids and I watched Transformers and ate popcorn for the 29th time, and it was still fun. Then we colored in a coloring book and just enjoyed each other. I am certain I will be just fine without H if it comes to that. But I am glad it hasn't come to that yet...
OK not a lot new. Planning on our "date" tonight, hope it actually happens. But something new to consider. This morning H was crying bc he forgot about my hair appointment and made plans to move hay all day, but be home tonight for our evening together. And home tomorrow to play with the kids all day. But he isn't a big cryer normally, and now he does it a lot. He kept saying things like, "I screw everything up. I am just so tired of trying." At one point he actually said, "I think I am depressed maybe". I jumped on that one and said I had been worried about that too. It sure would explain a lot. I told him he should get to a doctor and talk about it, and possibly try to get on medication.
If there is a real depression issue, that would help explain his feelings. He says he wants to be with me, he wants our M to work, but he is so overwhelmed w/unhappiness about how things have turned out, and about his stressful job, and other life situations that he can't think straight enough to try to fix things. He said it seems there is just so much that has to change
remember, he is probably quitting his job, moving 3 hours away, starting a new job, finding a place to live, etc. on top of working on "us"
that he doesn't know how he will ever do it all. At one point he said, "I just almost want to give up trying on everything". That scared me b/c it sounded like a reference to hurting himself. I told him the kids would need their Dad forever and he could never give up trying on everything. He said he knew that, it just felt that way sometimes. So now I think I am dealing w/a depressed spouse. Don't know what to do.
Part of me wants to make him leave the home b/c he is still screwing up (he got home last night at 3:45 a.m. and had to have a friend drive him home, not from being drunk he claims from not being able to focus enough to drive he is so unhappy; and he forgot it was his day with the kids while I did something nice for myself today, even though he was gone past midnight 3 out of the past 4 nights), but part of me wants to stay here b/c I am worried if he is depressed and I make him leave that will be the last straw, I will be "giving up" on him.
Last night at 4 am we were talking. I asked if he wanted a blanket or a drink of water, he was a little out of it. He said a blanket would be nice. Then we talked about us, I said I can't keep trying by myself, he can't keep coming in at all hours but say he wants to be with me. I said I have told you what I need from you, [touch and verbal affirmation, which he has started doing again the past 3 days] what do you need from me?
His answer? "Keep bringing me a blanket". I took that to mean acts of service. So I said, "Do you also like when I wash your clothes--since the A I have debated leaving his stuff in the hamper and letting him fend for himself but I haven't--or cook dinner for you and the kids, or make sure we have the pop and snacks you like in the fridge for when you want them?"
He said, "Yeah, all of those things are what I like you to do for me. I want you to keep doing them it means something to me."
So are we making baby steps? Do I dwell on the staying out and blowing off my appointment? Or do I focus on the fact that he is sharing his feelings with me, telling me what he likes me to do for him (even if I drag it out of him), and starting to touch me and say he loves me again?
p.s. His mom called this morning. They went to dinner Thursday after his interview. They had a long conversation about our R (how weird when we hardly do that!) and H told his mom that he doesn't want to leave us, when it comes to actually leaving/moving out he can't do it, he wants his wife and kids. He just doesn't know how to make it work. So I guess that is encouraging, at least he wants it to work....
Oh, and for those who were concerned I got a babysitter and am still having a "ME" afternoon today. Yay! Talk you to later when I am a cuter, blonder version of myself!
BobbiJo, I'm dying to hear how your "Me" day and your date went. You must love Transformers. My Ds didn't want to see it but I have heard it is great so I put it on my Netflix list. I think the western was a great choice of movies. Shows H you were thinking about what he would like. Good job on the blanket too. Funny how after you did that he told you to keep doing things like that. I had been thinking that my H's love language was physical touch. I am starting to realize more and more that acts of service is high on his list. I am trying to do more and more of that but in small ways instead of huge over the top stuff. I hope you found a hot dress for you BH trip. Might I suggest modeling it for H and asking what he thinks?1 Let him eat his heart out a little.
Duh! I had a brain fart and forgot to mention something very important. Your H does seem to show a lot of signs of depression....confusion, crying, sleep problems, hopelessness and everything that is going on is probably making it worse. Good job showind concern and support.
Yes, well, thanks for the support Lizzy. But now I don't think it is true, chemical depression. I think it is guilt-based depression, if there is such a thing.
Sat. I got my hair done. It looks really cute. It took 3 hours though so I was short on shopping time. All I got was a cute cotton, knee-length nightgown to wear during the movie. Not too sexy, just cute.
Well, as I shopped, I thought about the night before, and H getting in at 3:45. I wondered what that was all about. Couldn't get it out of my mind, so I called my friend who lost her job last week. Her H was the one who picked up my H at 3:00 am and brought him to my house. He had been home in bed, not even out for the evening. So I called her and asked her where her H picked up my H. H said he was at a bar called the Granfalloon. Well, my friend's H said he picked him up at a QT gas station 1/2 mile from the bar....????
I was so unglued at that point. Called my H on the way to pick the kids up from the sitter. Was honestly screaming at him. Not at first, though. At first I said, "Where were you last night when [friend] picked you up?" H: I was out. Me: I know but you weren't at the Granfallon. [Friend] said he picked you up at QT. How did you get there? H: I got a ride Me: From who? H: Who do you think? The conversation went downhill from there, I yelled, I screamed, I told him I was locking up the house (he was on his way back from Iowa) and he wasn't allowed back in. Told him we were getting a D, he lied to me for the last time about OW. Told him to move out until he moved to Iowa. He said I didn't understand, he needed to explain what happened and stop screaming. Said he didn't do anything with her otherwise he would have been out all night with her and not come home. I hung up.
As soon as S got in the car, he asked if Daddy was on his way home so they could play together. Made me feel like crap. So I called H back (he had called 2x and I ignored it before that). Asked him when he'd be home to play with S. He said I thought I wasn't allowed in the house. I said S wants you to come home. He said OK he was an hour away. I said all I wanted to do tonight was curl up on the couch with you and watch a movie after the kids were in bed. He said, let's still do that. I was like WTF??
Well long story short after kids were in bed he explained the sitch to me, at least according to him. 1)Worked on farm with hay until 8:00 (I know this is true b/c he asked friend that picked him up from QT to come help around 6:30 and said he still had a lot to do) 2)Friend Jordan picked him up, H got cleaned up at his house and they went to dinner (Bank statement shows they ate at Hooters and although I like it I am sure he wouldn't take OW there. Besides, H and I were texting during that time which he also wouldn't do with OW) 3)At 11:00 they went to Granfalloon (H had sent me a TM at 10:54 that they were headed to Granfalloon so I believe that part). They went to Granfaloon b/c a guy Kelley from work called Jordan and told him people from their company were gathered there. 4)Jordan and H sat at a table near the "work group". ex-OW was part of the group (that's how the EA, then PA started, hanging out on Friday nights at the bar with "work people"). They kept mingling back and forth between the two tables. H said he had little to say to ex-OW beyond, "Hi". But he felt hey had things to talk about. (I was getting texts from H as late at midnight so I am sure he was still at the bar then) 5)Gradually, the work people left. Jordan wanted to go early b/c his girlfriend was coming to his place. H said he would find a ride w/someone else. 6)Eventually, everybody left until it was just H and ex-OW. I think he did that on purpose b/c he said he knew they had things to talk about and she looked sad and upset all night. 7)H says when bar closed at 2 he got in her car. They talked for about 45 minutes (Which is what time he TM-ed me that he was getting a ride from our friend)
This was the reason for the convo: **They had a lot to talk about. H had told her he was moving into an apt, and then he didn't. She wanted to know why **H told her he was going to get a job in Omaha and would be moving away **ex-OW is sad he is moving away, sad he is not going to be in her life anymore **ex-OW is upset that he broke things off with her, and upset that he didn't move out of our home b/c he told her he was going to
Here's my question:
I am trying to be understanding of the whole grief thing. Personally, I want to scratch her eyes out, I want to choke him. But I get the emotional attachment being hard to just STOP. I had a couple times in college where H and I were dating when I got a little too close to other guys (H was in a school 3 hrs away so we weren't together a lot). I stopped it before it went too far, but when you go from hanging out with someone 5 nights a week talking until 2 a.m. to not at all, it hurts, no matter how much you love your boyfriend/husband. So I get that if they were so close he was planning on leaving me for her, it must be hard to cut off that relationship.
And I get that she pulled the trigger on her relationship (is getting divorced and has her own place, shares custody of son with her almost ex-H) when I found out in November. And my H didn't. So he feels a sense of responsibility for her situation (he has told me this). It is like they had an agreement to end their marriages and be together, and he backed out of the deal. So he feels a lot of guilt. Plus he genuinely cared about her, so he feels a lot of guilt. I get that. I feel like if I rant and rave I will just push him away. I told him I understood our sitch was complicated and if there were times he needed to talk to ex-OW to explain things, he just couldn't lie to me about it. His bottom line was that he started and ended the convo. with her by saying he wanted to work on things with me, wanted to try and save our M, and that things with them were over and needed to stay that way. He said he didn't tell me b/c I would freak out. I told him I would freak out more if I found out on my own, which I did. H agreed to be more honest with me. I told him I understood he had an attachment that would be hard to let go of but he had to in order for us to survive.
Then, we actually did get a blanket, lay on the couch, and watch the movie together. And we are sleeping in the same bed again, 3 nights in a row so far. It is just the usual thing now to go to bed in the same bed. And Sunday we played around in bed in the morning, but no sex yet.
Am I stupid? Should I have kicked him out for being with ex-OW? Or was I right to try and understand his feelings? I feel like it will be a moot point when he moves 3 hours away, she has a kid so it isn't like she'll be up there all the time. And he is living with his parents until the house sells down here and we get a place up there, so it isn't like she could sleep over? I want to believe that it is over, but he is still working through his guilt. He says he wants to be with me and make it work. He says he doesn't want me to get a job down here in Kansas City, he wants me to get a job up there in Omaha area and move with him as a family. This IS what I have been wanting, right? I just can't shake the feeling that maybe I am too trusting and he is still messing around.....Any suggestions?
I got a babysitter and am still having a "ME" afternoon today. Yay!