You never know what tomorrow is going to bring but I hope what has happened with this exchange with your H is that it has given you the resolve you need to make changes that will ensure that your's and your D's lives are more settled in the future.
You have been living in a 'war zone' for far too long. You KNOW you deserve better.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sue I am so sorry. I ditto what has been said. He doesn't deserve you. He is selfish and mean and only thinking of himself. You are a strong person. You will get through this. I know it looks rough right now. But there are many many happy times in store for you. Try to imagine the peace of coming home and not having to worry about the daily things you worry about. Also your beautiful little D3 will help you be very strong. I gained a lot of strength when I was going through my first divorce through my children. Just looking at them would give me the strength I needed.
See what things look like in the morning. As the others have said, you will known when you've reached the point where you're at peace with divorce, and maybe you are at the point. You'd certainly be justified. Just make sure you make the decision in a calm moment, and not out of anger for what happened last nite.
I do think you have to consider that an alcoholic, serial adulterer is NOT what you want your daughter growing up around, and not what you need around either.
Well, I'm ready to admit that my M is over. I really am. Not that it isn't hard or painful, but it is over.
Hi Sue, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I completely understand where you are at, and it is terribly hard. Before you throw in the towel though, I want to point out a few things.
First, everything - absolutely EVERYTHING - that Lunkhead said to you is straight out of the MLC script. Examples:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."
Massive re-writing of the history of the M, such as talking about how very hard the MLCer worked at things, but because of the LBS's countless failings, in the end they just had to admit defeat and move on.
The LBS should have done something about the problems sooner - therefore, the whole mess must be the LBS's fault.
The OP has nothing at all to do with the problems in the M.
The saintly OP is just another poor victim of circumstance "just like little ol' me".
It doesn't matter what despicable things the MLCer does because "it's over."
The LBS should just admit that the MLCer has the clearest view of what went wrong and what should happen next - and dutifully accept the inevitable and follow The MLC Plan.
The LBS should go find someone else to make them happy, and end the M amicably. (This is one of my favorite crazy parts of the whole thing, where they get to not feel guilty because they have done us the big favor of setting us free to live a happy new life...)
I heard every one of those things myself. So have many of the other success stories on this board. I say that because I want you to realize, even though this is the warped perception of reality that your husband has today, you do not have to share it with him.
Remember the rule, Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear? I don't think that applies just to 'assume the MLCer is lying about what they are doing'. It also means 'don't buy into the crazy alien spew coming out of their mouths.'
I'm going to get on my old soapbox again here. I think you are doing too much reacting to H's actions, and not enough setting your own goals and priorities. Don't let this vile sh!t coming out of his mouth be what determines your path for the rest of your life.
Time and Patience - that's the key. He's presenting all of this as a crisis that has to be decided right this minute - YOU need to find a new place to live right now, etc. But that is cr@p. If he thinks the two of you need to separate, let HIM be the one to find a new apartment. H3ll, turn the tables on him - tell him if HE wants to move out, that YOU will find a roommate to help pay the bills. Why does this all have to go according to his stoopid MLC agenda?
Originally Posted By: SueS
So, that was most of it. H had been drinking tonight. Drinking a good deal. Not sure how things will play out tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure that things won't change in his mind. I'm tired too. I have to be very honest here and say that I've been tired for a long time. Tired of questioning everything I do because I'm not sure how H will react. Tired of wondering what type of a mood H will be in when I see him. Tired of walking on eggshells not just because of the A, but anytime anything upsets H. Tired of not doing things for me and making me happy. Just tired.
Beautiful, Sue. You've raised exactly the right points.
So, let me ask you - what if, WITHOUT making any other big changes like someone moving out... You DID stop questioning your actions, because of how H might react? You DID stop wondering what kind of mood H will be in when you see him? You DID stop walking on eggshells and worrying about what might upset H? You DID do things for you, to make you happy?
You don't have to have H completely out of your life, in order to start living your life the way you want it to be. It's that same old mantra - Get A Life, PMA. Let go of having a whacked-out MLCer set your agendas and control your moods.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
He's presenting all of this as a crisis that has to be decided right this minute - YOU need to find a new place to live right now, etc. But that is cr@p. If he thinks the two of you need to separate, let HIM be the one to find a new apartment. H3ll, turn the tables on him - tell him if HE wants to move out, that YOU will find a roommate to help pay the bills. Why does this all have to go according to his stoopid MLC agenda?
I'm tired too. I have to be very honest here and say that I've been tired for a long time. Tired of questioning everything I do because I'm not sure how H will react. Tired of wondering what type of a mood H will be in when I see him. Tired of walking on eggshells not just because of the A, but anytime anything upsets H. Tired of not doing things for me and making me happy. Just tired.
This is soooo hard. I have been there. Detachment helps with this, and causes you to put yourself and D3 first. It'll come, and it'll feel good.
Your H is where my H was in July/August. Its a hard place. I agree, see what today brings. H is textbook spewing. I am so sorry! Sorry about D3 hearing and reacting to things. Reassure her today and it'll be ok.
Rob is spot on. I have to agree that calmer, cooler heads are needed after such an awful evening. Your H is still 100% textbook MLC/WAS. If H wants to separate, let him move out.
I think you have to consider yourself very fortunate to have someone like Rob in your corner, because he has taken such an interest in your sitch to help you with such sage advice. (Bravo, Rob. I learn quite a lot from what you say to Sue and others.)
Refocus your energies back on D3 and on yourself. Let your H do what he's going to do (since no one can stop him anyway), but stand your ground. Think in terms of assertiveness, not anger. This is the path that the apostle Paul suggested in his letters. He encouraged us to speak out for what we believe and not let others trample on our words, hearts and convictions.
Totally agree with what's been said here. I too was wondering why you feel a need to move and make this happen for your H. Is it because you'll need to find a place you can better afford? I was going to say that it might be better for D3 to stay where she's comfortable, but you're her Mom and you know what's best in your sitch. Is H planning on taking roommates in to the apt you're currently living in? If so, does he think D3 might feel as if he's rejecting you and her for others?
You've gotten some great advice and I don't have anything to ad. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
