Sox, Keep the positives going. Think about how your actions are impacting your h's actions. In other words, he has been doing those nice things for you. Have you been more loving towards him lately? In other words, make a mental note of what you're doing and what he's diong to create this positive atmosphere. That's how you can keep the positives going.
I would DIE if my H folded laundry.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thanks- I needed that. I try to be more loving. Quite frankly lately it's been hard. He does nice stuff yes. Then he does crappy stuff- and a lot of it. It's hard to focus on the good, when there is so much crappy stuff.
Like he was cleaning out the 2nd garage when I got home from work on Sat. His stuff was all nice and neat- my stuff was all piled high in the corners. I asked where the box of glass platters and bowls was- he said there wasn't one. I replied nicely that yes there was and it was in the box that was right here (and pointed). He replied that it was there somewhere. Then I asked where my box was that had my bulletin boards in it. He said he'd look for it. I replied that that wasn't the point. He said Sox, what can I help you find. I replied again that that wasn't the point and I no longer wanted anything and then I walked away. He followed me and asked what I wanted him to find- I replied Nothing- I wanted to be able to get what I needed when I needed it without having to move 50 other thingst to get it- and he had made that impossible. He said he'd help me find it. I replied that he still didn't get it.
We've gone through this for 10 years. We've gone through this 3 times in the past 3 months. He took my stuff that was neatly organized and put it in such a way that I can no longer get to anything, let alone find anything. He has my stuff stacked 8 feet high (I'm 5'2"). The point is (and I've told him this) he had no consideration for my things or the way in which I had them organized. And in doing so, he made my life more difficult.
There really is no positive atmosphere.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
Sox, What's going on? Why are you having the reactions you are to your H?
You say there's a lot of crappy stuff going on. What are you referring to? Are you feeling overwhelmed with your life or part of it? Is there something your frustrated about? Is there something you want, and you're having trouble attaining it?
Help us to understand what you're struggling with.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Flat out, he bugs me. He hovers, he smothers, he bosses, he controls. I feel like crap when I'm around him. I feel put down, judged.
By crappy things, I mean he gets upset if I say I'm not hungry when he's making dinner, then proceeds to tell me- Sox you know you have to eat. Really? I'm a grown up. I didn't starve to death when he lived elsewhere. I'm not freaking hungry.
He tries to tell me I need to wear different clothes. He has no job as of yet, he's used up my savings paying his debt- my electric bill is almost double because he can't shut off a dam light or computer and he keeps asking for money and use of my debit card.
he does laundry, but not stuff anyone needs to wear. I start to do laundry (like socks and underwear and towels) and he gets offended- yet he's been home all f'n day and didn't do it and quite frankly it's hard to get dressed and go to work without socks or underwear.
I try to get work done for school- and he hovers and chews in my ear (gum, cereal, salad....) Ugh it's disgusting. Slurps, smacks, ick- I honestly have come close to pucking. Then he gets upset when I tell him to leave or ask if he could eat elsewhere. He wants all this family time, then is on his laptop. He wants to go see a movie, yet we have no money and I have a butt load of school work to do that I can never get done because he hovers and annoys me. I trip over his shoes every time I go to get into my car in the morning and when I get home.
My once nice, neat, organized and calm life has been turned into complete and utter chaos and mess. I can't take it any longer. I haven't been able to get to the hairdresser to get my highlights done - I'm 4 weeks past my appointment- plus now I have no money with which to do it.
He just keeps taking from me- emotionally and financially. I am drained. I feel like crap, I don't want to be around him let alone ML or even sleep in the same bed. It's draining me physically to feel like this. I had a tension headache for 3 weeks from clenching my teeth when he moved back in.
He thinks he being nice and helping- and I can't stand it and the things he does. And I can't tell him, because then he will turn it on me and make it my fault.
What do I want? I want to be happy. And I'm not.
I really don't think we can live together.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
Sox, If your H isn't willing to do the reasonable things you ask to make your life easier, I think it's going to be hard for this M to work. I think that's an essential question. Is your H willing to do what you ask to make your life easier? Is he trying to meet your needs and desires?
If he is then the problem is communication and expectations. If he's not, then I wonder what motive he has for being in the M?
M is practice for learning to balance striving to satisfy our desires and to be selfless and kind.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Here's an example though. It's like someone volunteered to do your laundry but then everything comes out pink. Or says they'll help you paint your walls and paints them the wrong color. Or says they'll mow your lawn and cuts down all your flowers as well.
Is that really helping? and do you want them to help you again??
My H is like that person. ANd when I don't like how he did something "to help" my expectations are too high.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
Please, please, please, for his sake and yours...gather up all of your strength, sit him down and calmly say something like this:
"Here were the reasons we split up last time. Here is how it was when you came back home. Now here is how it is today. I cannot take it one minute longer. This, this and this need to change RIGHT NOW or I will leave you forever. This time there will be no coming back."
I wish my W would have said she would leave me if things didn't change. I had no clue she was as unhappy as she was, and if she would have said that, it would have stopped me in my tracks.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I agree with minkerman. I tell my sister, who is having a rough time too, tell him the way you feel, then give him time to think and consider what you said. I would not make this a long conversation nor expect him to respond then. Perhaps make a time to talk about things later. And as minkerman said, if my WAW would have done this for me I would have moved mountains. Sometimes us men are just clueless and never know what is on their wives mind...Heck I thought everything was going well and boom....so, tell him and then give him time to think about it.
Heh, Sox, I have been so caught up in my own life I haven't been following along very well. Now I am trying to understand so I came back to the beginning of your thread.
Originally Posted By: soxfan2007
It's been a bit of an awkward time with H moving back in. At times I felt the old me trying to sneak back out. But I think I've done an OK job (I wouldn't say great job) of supressing the old me. I hope H would say so too.
What part of you are you trying to suppress? Is there a part of you that you came to like while you were separated, but feel you have to hide since your H is back? Is that part of why you are unhappy now?
You also mentioned the KLA tapes. Have you and your H started those together?
