Hi Cat. Just a few responses to your last message:
Originally Posted By: cat03
we will talk tomorrow, I will bring up S. I've been thinking of how we'll afford it and been trying to have some sort of plan together, this time around this S will be on my terms too.
-- This is good. It is good for you to be the one to bring up/initiate Sep. It is hard for us to acknowledge that our husbands are going through a period of weakness & disability, where they are unable to lead, that is it us who have to lead and set the pace. I was a little worried about your earlier post where you seemed to be inclined to follow HIS lead related to Sep. Cat, I think it is really important for you to get out in front of him. He is disabled. He is not fully functional. He is unable to lead right now. Also, it looks to me like he will give you whatever you want right now in the legal separation agreement, you won't have to fight him for the material assets of the marriage. I encourage you to go online and download the legal separation forms and set to work on the financial aspects of the separation. This will take quite a bit of time and effort on your part, and is a meditation in itself. You can likely do this without lawyers, and so much the better. It might not be as airtight as a lawyer-mediated separation agreement, but you are not wanting this separation to be permanent anyway. What it really is -- it is moving the battle for the marriage into a new venue.
Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
-- Cat, you are not 'giving up'. Keep this firmly in your mind. The separation is not a giving up of your stand for the marriage. It is only a tactic, it is something that will ultimately preserve the marriage.
... so many faults and weaknesses and pride...
-- yes, Cat. This is what this is all about. It is about the weakness, the disability, the depression and the desperate 'self-medication' for the depression. If you could perceive what is going on with H as an illness, a clinical depression for which he did not seek treatment but attempted to treat himself, and got trapped as a result of that misguided course -- then so much the better. It is very hard for us to perceive these sad attempts on the part of our men as something other than a rejection of ourselves -- and that is OUR part of the spiritual journey.
... I expect things to get rough before they get better,
-- you might be surprised about this. You might find you have already been through the worst of it.
I also know that I will falter and be weak,
-- I think you will be able to handle this. Yes, you will for sure have some failures of confidence in yourself, and some loneliness. A lot of this will come from 'the public perception' of your changed marital status -- if you can get past this you will be OK. This is a separation leading ultimately to a renewal of your marriage, not to divorce. Keep that firmly in mind.
... but I fully understand this S is so necesary.
-- it is, Cat. This is the next step of the journey.
I have some fears, what if he falls in lov w/someone else,
-- a common fear, but when you stop to really think on it, totally unfounded in reality. Cat, he had an EMA/in-love-with affair WHILE HE WAS LIVING WITH YOU!! So obviously, the fact of his living with you in the same house did not prevent your worst fear from happening, right? There is nothing more than the same chance, whether he is living with you or not. This is something I have thought about quite a lot related to my own sitch! And, BTW, my own sitch is going very well, after nearly 10 months of separation.
..things like that. I know they are irrational, I just have to put them out there in the open so they can die and also to be prepared for anything.
