NikB #24

[NikB]

ST, cliffy, H - thanks for checking in!!

I have been working some absolutely insane hours this week plus continuing to nurse my cold. I HATE that feeling of never getting caught up which is where I'm at with work right now.. could probably work 48 hours straight and still not be there. Tonight I finally just left - told my boss I'm burning out and FAST and I needed to go. He was cool with it (he's getting pretty burned out himself I think). Almost time to ask for a raise I think though... They can't afford to lose me right now!

ST
I'm sure you're right on the nightmares. In fact we're right around the 1 year mark since H moved out last year (wow that's hard to believe!). So I know that's been weighing on me a bit.

I am determined to do the BFL thing and do it all the way. I did great with it when I committed to it 100% - when I tried to do it halfway it was waayyyy too easy to not do it at all, unfortunately. Next challenge starts 2/11 so I will start by then for sure - current goal is next Monday, if my cold's gone by then.

cliffy
Long time no see!!! Thanks for stopping by. I saw you updated your thread too, will have to go see what's up. Grandma is actually improving now that my aunt's practically force feeding her.. double edged sword but it's great that she's feeling better. She'll even talk to people on the phone now.

H
You're not kidding.. I am losin' it at work this week. Cold seems to finally be turning the corner thank goodness.

-------------------------------
So some quick journaling...

Sitch wise, things with H seem to be improving. At least I hope I'm not imagining things. All this week he has been calling me to tell me things.. nothing important but for example when I got stuck at work til 9 last night, he had called to tell me to hurry home so I could see something he'd done on his race car. He was like a kid showing me all the new work he'd done - he did a fantastic job on it!! I of course made sure to tell him that and even noticed some details he didn't point out, he seemed excited about that. He's been a lot more attentive towards me, too.

As for me.. well work insanity aside, things are going pretty good. Tomorrow night there's a meetup that I want to go to - appetizers and dancing, same place I went awhile back with another group. The only problem is there is this TOTALLY creepy guy going. He was at the piano meetup and he kept asking me out (apparently "No," "No, I'm not interested," "No, I'm married and trying to work things out with my H," "NO" "NO" and oh yeah "NO!!!" did not come across clearly enough). Anyway... he sent me this totally icky email today (through the site - NO he doesn't have my personal info). It says "Hey sexy mama get your butt out there dancing cuz I will be there!" Ew. That would be the downside of meetup, it makes it awfully easy for people to know where you'll be when.

Anyway.. still debating on that. If I don't do that I may hit a movie or something low key like that.

Saturday night is my cooking club - Cajun theme this time. I'm trying out a new recipe that I found tonight for Cajun Roasted Potatoes - hopefully they are good! If not, back to the drawing board. Looking forward to this a lot. This is the one that meets monthly and I'm getting to really know some of the people more, so that's been great.

And in further meetup news, I am hosting a meetup.. AT MY HOUSE!! I am freaking out a little bit but I think it will be fun, too. I am either insane or truly getting out of my shell more. What happened is there was an "International Wine and Cheese Tasting" party at someone else's house and they had to cancel last minute. The organizer was looking for a new place to host it (she's in an apartment so couldn't do it), and on a total whim I said I'd do it. I didn't even ask H first!! Need to figure out now how to tell him actually. I think he'll be fine with it, but it's weird for me to do that without asking first. (and yes he's invited if he wants... will be interesting to see if he decides to stay)

Everyone's supposed to bring a wine and/or cheese from a different country. It should be fun but I'm a little freaked out that I did it!! Everyone is at least a "friend of a friend" (except for Mr. Creepy who suddenly RSVP'd yes when it switched to my house. YUCK, will have to figure something out w/the organizer on that one).

Is it a TRUE 180 if you even surprise the heck out of yourself???

I'm excited though, I think it will be a lot of fun. I invited more people that I know too - would like to get it to at least MOSTLY people I know.

[NikB]

Hey everyone,

Long post warning... just had to share that I had an AWESOME night last night!! First couple hours were good "GAL" things... and then after that, AMAZINGLY good sitch-related things too.

I am sooo afraid to get my hopes up again. Staying detached - but for the first time in a long time my anxiety that another bomb is right around the corner is much much less. It's based on things over the last couple of weeks, not just last night, but last night definitely helped. As a little backstory I don't remember if I've mentioned here but since the EAs are very clearly over and have been for a couple of months, and H has been coming back 'towards' me, we've ML a few times (only if he initiates it). Well I dunno if "ML" is the word exactly but had s*x anyway.. He hasn't verbally recommitted but his actions seem clearly that he is, or is at least trying again.

So here's what happened..

I had some tentative plans for a couple different meetups, but opted not to go. One of them was the dance thing that Mr. Creepy said I better "get my butt to" and I just didn't want to deal with him. Both meetups were also fairly far away and it was really rainy out so I didn't want to drive around much.

Decided to go to the movies by myself instead, but I got there and it was PACKED, nearly every movie was sold out til late. OK.. no go... but I really didn't want to just sit at home (and H was being kinda weird on the phone - hadn't seen him yet, but didn't think we'd be doing anything). So, on the way home I stopped at one of "our" fave pizza places. I felt funny about it but then thought what the heck. That was packed too but I finally found a seat at the bar (this is a very "bar and grill" type pizza place).

I ate my salad and pretended to be fascinated by the basketball game... eventually chatted a bit w/the guys next to me. It was kind of awkward as everyone at the bar was "regulars" and although I AM, usually it's in a booth with H. Guy right next to me said he couldn't believe he hadn't seen me before when I told him I'm there a lot. Nice compliment the way he said it.

I feel a little bad for him cause he's gonna get crap from the staff for at least a week. In the back (but you could totally hear them) they kept asking amongst themselves "Oh is that his other daughter we've never met?" (he looked around 60 or older). When he bought me a drink they were like "Atta boy!!" Not in a creepy way.. he wasn't "hitting on" me or anything.. it was all in good fun but still, I know he'll be getting teased for awhile!

Got home and H was here with a friend looking at the race car. I was settling in for the night and then out of nowhere, it turned out to be a roller-coaster-y but GREAT night with H. First friend left and H invited me to go along to meet another friend of his for drinks, then said maybe we could go out dancing afterwards. DANCING?!? I did a double take. Used to go all the time but we haven't done that in ages and I've been dying to go so that was nice. (yeah I can go w/the meetup groups and I do, but it's always kinda awkward because it's kind of "assumed" that you'll dance w/anyone that's there in the group since you're "with" them even though you may have just met the people).

Rollercoaster down: place the friend was having drinks at was closed but he and his 3 (female) friends were in the parking lot so we ended up talking to them for awhile. Small 180.. we were all out in the rain and cold, normally I'd have stayed in the truck (probably irritated they were talking for so long). As for the friend - don't like him much. He has a girlfriend but basically considers anyone "single" who is out somewhere without their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend (including himself). Ick. H has no idea I dislike the guy - I'd rather be cordial so at least I am invited most of the time when they go out.

So, somehow they got on the topic of cheating and they were totally joking about it, making light of it, "it's not cheating as long as you take your ring off" kinda comments. H wasn't contributing to the conversation but he was laughing and it pissed me off. I whispered to H "I can't listen to this," went and sat in the truck and tried to get my blood pressure down, considered calling a cab to take me home!

180 time... pulled out my best "DBing" I could and realized that what I was doing was NOT attractive, nevermind the conflict avoider in me at its worst. So, I slapped a smile on my face and cheerfully walked back over to them. What I said probably wasn't the best but I felt like I had to say SOMETHING so... in a calm and almost "joking but I mean it" tone I said: "So you guys done talkin' about how fantastic it is to cheat on people? Cause it SUCKS being cheated on."

Couldn't see H's reaction (he was facing the guy friend and I was talking mostly to the girls since they started the whole thing). The guy friend didn't show much reaction, but the three girls' jaws dropped and they started backpedaling. "No no that's not what we were saying!" and then they started laying into the guy for cheating on his GF. hahaha loved it. (oh and yes, it IS ironic that here the guy's GF is at home waiting for him while he's late picking her up because he is out drinking with 3 women.. who are laying into him about cheating on her!! whatever...)

We got onto other subjects and all was cool there.. but, I figured I'd blown my chance on the dancing thing (ASSumed that H was mad about the way I handled it, even though I didn't see/hear his reaction at all). I still felt good about what I said though - felt I handled it 1. differently and 2. in a way that didn't "avoid" it but didn't blow it out of proportion.

Rollercoaster up... surprisingly enough - H and I still went to the club! He was being really weird at first and I kept thinking the whole thing was a huge mistake. Then all of a sudden it was like a switch flipped, H put his arm around me and then grabbed me by the hand and said "Let's dance!!" We danced pretty 'normal' for a few songs and he apparently was having fun because he started gettin' very..errr.. up close and personal Could um definitely tell that he was havin' fun. He was even kissing me hard right there on the dance floor.. totally out of character for him.

He kept trying to get us leave (obvious reasons) and I was kinda doing the "hard to get" thing, "making" him dance with me more before he got what he wanted. Fun fun! We left around 1:30 and I flirted all the way home.

We got home and - bam, rollercoaster down. Switch flipped the minute we got outta the car. H was acting weird and distant, asked me to heat up some leftovers for him, which I did. We went from "hot and heavy" to sitting on the couch watching TV and eating leftovers and I was just thinking "what the heck???"

I was kind of at a loss, but it felt like he was switching from WAS to "normal" H to WAS within a matter of minutes the entire night! (Normal's not really the word I'm looking for as I don't think WAS is "abnormal" but I can't think of the word I want).

Anyway, I wasn't letting it bother me for the most part, but was trying to kinda figure out what to do with it... it felt like an opportunity. I tried to think like a guy and thought, well, this could be a great "reason" to add to the list for a guy convincing himself he should leave - "She was teasing me all night then we get home and it's our normal rut!" (not that I was the one who stopped the "fun" but still).

So, decided to give something a try. I grabbed his feet and put them in my lap and gave him a foot massage... then made it more of a 'sensual' type massage. Rollercoaster back up.. he was lovin' it. Before I got TOO far I excused myself to go "to the bathroom" and put on some new lingerie that he hasn't seen yet. Little 180 on that, too - it's an animal print type thing w/black lace trim - NOT my normal style at all.

Rollercoaster down.. I come back out a few minutes later and H was asleep on the couch!! WTF. (too relaxing massage apparently??) Anyway I was really overthinking things but I was torn between whether I would look like "take charge kinda woman" vs. "desparate and throwing myself at him" if I continued to "pursue" him. Literally stood there thinking about it for about 10 minutes while he slept.

So.. 180 again as I haven't been initiating ANYTHING this whole time. Rollercoaster up (and finally to stay for awhile!). I woke him up with a very "take charge woman" kinda kiss. He was totally surprised, then looked at what I was wearing and said "Wow I haven't seen THAT before!" Another 180 - normally I'd start talking about when I got it, where, blah blah blah. I didn't say a word, just grinned and pretty much attacked him.

Don't want to get ALL X rated so I'll stop there but OMG WOW!! Has to have been one of our better nights together EVER.

I was prepared for him to really pull away today but so far he hasn't... yay! I was wearing my same 'outfit' this morning when we got up and he kept looking at me and telling me how much he likes my "tiger suit." (It is FAR from a "suit" but still, thought that was very cute and funny).

So... what can I say?? WOW barely covers it.

Now gotta shake that "what's he gonna do now to distance himself" feeling. I have that dinner party tonight so will be out and GALing, hopefully that will help keep the "pullback" from being too extreme (for either of us). Just gotta make sure to enjoy it but keep those expectations low...

But man... what a good night.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like an absolutely wonderful night. I'm definitely jealous lol.

Just stay focused on the positives. You are amazing!

[SuperDad]

You go girl!

[NikB]

thanks Michelle and SD!!

Michelle I know.. I almost feel oddly "guilty" posting stuff like that knowing just how much so many are going through. But I also remember on the worst of the nights alone and crying and screaming "WHY!!!" I liked reading the good stuff and seeing some hope out there... so hope it's not all bad. Hey hope to see ya next Friday!!

Speaking of which, in all the "excitement" I forgot to mention I did tell H about the party. It was interesting actually. "Icky friend" of H's was talking about how "we" (me, H, the 3 girls, and some other friends) should all go out next Fri. night. H said "Yeah sure, I don't think we have any plans" (it was nice to be "we"). I said "Umm actually ... meant to tell you later but.. I'm having a party next Friday! You're welcome to come it should be fun." H said something about how much I enjoy planning parties and I agreed, said it was fun to be planning another one. Told him the theme of it and such. He asked who was coming and I told him the names I knew of (mostly girls, a few guys)... he was visibly surprised by the "guy" names but didn't say anything. Then said "Well, maybe I can go out with [icky friend and group] and you and your friends could meet us later?" Thought that was kinda cool.. first time he's shown ANY interest in meeting my "new" friends. Originally I thought it'd be an early night but now I'm thinking the wine/cheese party may go awhile so we'll see...

Anyway that was all last night. Tonight... had a lot of fun at the Mardi Gras / Cajun party! My roasted potatoes were a hit so that was cool. And for the first time I didn't leave when the first "wave" of people started to go. Turned out there's kind of a core group that hangs out together after, so I got to be part of the "after party" which was fun. I think maybe one of the people there knows my sitch and only briefly - sooo nice to be out w/a group where the focus is something ELSE.

Most of them wanted to come to my house next Fri too.. yikes! I think I may have a REALLY full house. Kinda cool though. I am usually the "it's not a party unless you plan 6 months in advance" types.. so trying to just roll with this and have fun. I need to figure out how to get Mr. Creepy off the "guest list" but otherwise I'm set. Oh and usually if we DO have a big party it's almost sad, 95% of the people are H's friends. I was kinda laughing today thinking if we have a big party together again in the future, everyone's not gonna fit in the house. But it was a GREAT feeling.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

didn't read the last post, but the one before I am SO EXCITED ABOUT!!!! I knew you being aggressive would turn out great! Guys LOVE that.

[MichelleLT]

I am so looking forward to Friday! :-) And I'm glad you surprised him with all of that. He must be waiting to see what you're gonna pull next lol.

[NikB]

Thanks ST and Michelle!!

Yes, I'm pretty sure he's wondering what the heck will happen next. I redecorate, I go to Lowe's for hours and need no help carrying things, I break out the "tiger suit," and now I'm planning a party and it's kind of an "Oh BTW H I'm having a party on Friday." Yup, scratching his head, I imagine.

So glad you can make it Friday!! Hope your work schedule holds out. The party is up to almost 30 people now, wow!!

It is really weird.. I love planning parties but almost always it's one or two of my friends and 50 of H's or something (I'm more the planner, he's more the social coordinator). This party is ALL people I either know and invited, or they're responding via the meetup group. Several of the people from last night's dinner party are now coming too. I'm freaking out a bit! It will be VERY fun but wow.. it's a strange but good feeling.

[inspiredjulie]

Glad it was a good weekend Nikki!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh i wish I could go to!! I bet it will be lots of fun. just remember not to get to caught up in the planning... I can imagine we're a little similar in that, the people are there, and us hosts are tying to make sure everything is okay, no spills, enough food, drinks, checking everything over. make sure you have a great time, and don't worry about the little stuff.

that really sucks about the creepy guy. I wonder what you could do. have you talked to anyone else in the meetup about it?