It's been a few days since I've been on. Just really busy here at work. It's been nice though. The past few days I've been feeling a bit more like myself here at work. More productive.
H is choosing not to go to the movie with me on Sat. night. He said he's broke. No money at all. I'd asked him last night if he was going to go with me or not. He was curious as to why I was asking. D3 has a birthday party tomorrow, so I might see if I can do something after that. I'm short on cash too, but I can just go hang out at a friends or do some window shopping! Funny thing though, H said that he's short on money, went on and on about how he won't meet his bonus this month, he'll just break even, he can't pay me back yet what he owes....etc. However, he wasn't home yet at 10:20 last night. He gets off at 9:00. I truly didn't want to call him, but needed to ask about something that D3 needed for school today. He answered and told me that he'd "stopped off" for a little while, which means a beer or two. He said, I'll be right home. He got home just after 11:00. I kept my mouth shut but of course couldn't stop thinking about his "I'm broke" speach to me earlier.
Rob, I know I need to find some GAL things for just me. And you are right, there are things I can do that won't cost too much money. I do have to say though that I feel better now. As I said, I went through all my papers and set everything up so I know all of what is where and what needs to be taken care of. I printed up brochures and drove past a few apartment complexes. I cleaned out drawers and threw away/donated things....etc. I don't want to do all of this "preperation". However, the more I do, the more organized I feel and the stronger I feel. I don't want my marriage to fail, but I feel like if I don't do this now that life will temporarily be harder if I'm not organized and ready. If it does work and we'd reconcile, then again, I'll be more organized, stronger and know better how to handle things.
I'm waiting to hear from my sister. Years ago, she had some problems with her heart & circulatory system. About 6 months ago she fainted at work. They thought she was just weak from having been sick. She faited again a few days ago but had been feeling fine. They did test and found possible heart issues again. She goes back today to get test results to see if it's anything of major concern. Keeping my fingers crossed. She's not just my sister, but one of my closest friends.
I have to say that H has been odd the past few days. He's been a bit short with me at times, but mostly okay....considering the circumstances. Not sure what's going through his mind. I've stepped away a bit and he's stepped toward me. Not major steps toward me by any means, but not running in the other direction. He's been sleeping in our bed all week. I've also woken up to find his legs draped over mine or him laying right next to me. Guess I need to keep steaming ahead and see how he reacts.
Well, I better get busy.
One Question.........Mark, where have you been?? Don't get me wrong, not seeing posts on my thread doesn't bother me. I know you're there for help if I need ya. I just haven't seen a new thread for you and I'm wondering how you are!
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 01/25/0804:06 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Make SURE you have something to do tomorrow night! It's imperative now. And you don't need to be too specific about it, either -- just a chirpy "See ya, I'm headed out for a bit. I shouldn't be too late -- call me if you need me!"
and then breeze out.
The movies don't require that much money, that's ridiculous. Besides, that's why they created the "big movie-size boxes of candy" aisle at Walgreen's.
One Question.........Mark, where have you been?? Don't get me wrong, not seeing posts on my thread doesn't bother me. I know you're there for help if I need ya. I just haven't seen a new thread for you and I'm wondering how you are!
Thanks for asking!!! I'm here. Just not much to report on my own thread, and I see that choco and Rob are helping you along... just doing a lot of reading, that's all....
I heard "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia the other day. Boy, a lot of that sure hit home. It actually came on when we were in the car on our way home from IN!!
We also heard "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood. D3 wanted it cranked up. H was probably wondering why she knew the song so well. Not from me actually. My niece is a HUGE Carrie Underwood fan.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Well, I'm ready to admit that my M is over. I really am. Not that it isn't hard or painful, but it is over.
Today wasn't fun. H left for work, went to the store and got a hair cut. He just wasn't nice at all. We did go to the movie and yes, if anyone wants to see it, I highly recommend it. The bad part of the day came on the way home from picking up D3. I regret the fact that she heard us get angry and nasty with each other. We did smooth it over with her and tell her that we love her and that she's okay.
So, on our way home this is part of what was said.
H: Have you found a cheaper place yet? Me: Maybe. H: Really? In the building or somewhere else? Me: Somewhere else. Down the road a bit. What are you going to do? H: I just want to make sure you two are taken care of first. Me: Why can't you answer me and tell me what you plan to do? You said you'd need a roommate. Have you found one? H: Maybe. I have 2 people that are interested. Me: Who? H: What does it matter to you? You don't know them. Me: It matters because our daughter would spend time with you and be around these people. H: (Gave two names - one was a woman). Me: So you'd live with a woman? (I got snotty here).. So what does someone else think of that? H: Who? Me: You know who. H: Why do you care....Do you have a problem with her (OW). Me: Hell yes! I have a problem her because she's f'ing my H. H: (Quiet) H: Is your problem more because I fell in love with another woman or a woman with kids? Me: I have a problem with you f'ing someone outside of our marriage. If you were that unhappy you should have left me first and then started a relationship with her. H: It doesn't matter. (He doesn't see a problem with this because our marriage was having problems before he knew her.) Me: It does matter. We had problems, but her in the picture didn't help those problems it just made them worse. H: No it doesn't matter. She has nothing to do with our problems and I have nothing to do with her problems between her and her H. He's treated her like sh*t for years.
Something was said and I told H it was time for him to get out. He said, You want me out? I said, well, that's what you've wanted isn't it? It got pretty nasty then with H critizing me as a wife and lover, telling me that I'll never be able to handle it on my own. I didn't realize that D3 heard this part, as she started saying that she didn't want daddy to leave. I started crying at this point too.
Me: What can't I handle? Being a single mom or being without you? I'm a hell of a lot stronger than you've ever given me credit for. H: If you're so strong, why haven't you ever left me before. If you think or know that I've slept with 2 other people during our marriage, why haven't you been strong enough to leave me? Me: The first time I felt I could forgive you. The second time we had an additional life in our family and I didn't want to give up on our family.
H again critisized me as a wife/lover. He screamed at me saying that he tried for 2 years to touch me and got tired of me not giving him what he needed. I told him that it wasn't easy being a new mom, working full-time and being the main bread winner for so long. He yelled saying F me and F D3. Then almost as soon as he yelled, he calmed down.
H: I know that I've treated you like sh*t for a long time and am mostly at fault for the breakdown of our marriage, but you had a part in this too. I don't hate you. I just don't love you anymore. I have love for you for good things in the past and I love you for giving me D3, but I'm not in love with you anymore. Me: H, I've always admitted that I've made mistakes. Mistakes that I would fix if I could, but I can't. I have made them and I can't change that. H: Why can't you just admit that we weren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I think you're afraid of what your family will say. Me: I don't care what my family says. H: I just want you this to end amicably. I want you to find someone to make you happy. I just want you to admit that you don't love me any more either. Me: I want this to end peacefully too. I don't want this anger between us either. I don't want this yelling and screaming. I love you too for D3 but I have to be honest with you and myself and say that I don't love the H that's so angry with me and so unhappy right now.
D3 was crying. We didn't intend for all of this to happen in front of her, but it all just came out. We did tell her again that we loved her and that mommy and daddy were just raising their voices a little, but that it wasn't her fault and we shouldn't have done it.
So, that was most of it. H had been drinking tonight. Drinking a good deal. Not sure how things will play out tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure that things won't change in his mind. I'm tired too. I have to be very honest here and say that I've been tired for a long time. Tired of questioning everything I do because I'm not sure how H will react. Tired of wondering what type of a mood H will be in when I see him. Tired of walking on eggshells not just because of the A, but anytime anything upsets H. Tired of not doing things for me and making me happy. Just tired.
I am sad and I have a lot of tears left in me. I know I'll be sad for a long time and this will be very hard, but I do feel that it's over.
I will not leave this board. The support is what's kept me from going over the edge and I'm going to need a lot more in the months to come.
Thanks everyone!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
You are a lot stronger than H realizes -- just as he fails to realize how good and wonderful a wife and mother you are too. You will make it through this, whether your H decides to be there by you side or not.
(((((Sue))))) I'm so sorry. He does not deserve you. I know you love the man that he once was, but he is no longer that man. He is now a selfish jacka$$. I've been guilty of hanging on too long also. Why do we do this to ourselves? Because we love our families and want what is best for them, but it's not the best for us or our children when we allow them to disrespect us like this by stringing us along. I think we are also afraid of being alone, but like you said we can't live the rest of our lives walking on eggshells.
Your H has cheated on you twice. Would he do it again? Is he a serial adulterer? Who knows, but those are some questions you have to ask yourself. Right now he is no good for you and your precious DD. He has to make some serious changes, and at this time it doesn't look like he is headed in that direction.
I'm so guilty of letting my H cake eat, but I have to resolve to be stronger, so please don't think I'm trying to pass any judgement on you. I'm just saying I know how painful it is with all of the flip-flopping.
My thoughts and prayers are with your and your little angel. You are a wonderful person who has given her all to fight for her family.
Hugs,
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
(((SUE))) Everyone has their limit and knows when they get there. You've went way beyond what your H deserves trying to stick this out. You are an amazing person Sue. You and D3 will heal and move on in time. Taking yourself and her out of this situation is the best you can give your family right now because it's so destructive to be where you are. I'm sad for you and D3 because the road isn't an easy one, but I'm hopeful for you. As time passes you'll find the happiness you deserve without the hell you've had the last year.
I'm sad for your H too. He's not a happy and strong person. When I read the things he said to you, I think he might have been saying them to himself. I don't believe you're going to have problems rebuilding and finding happiness after the initial hurt subsides. I do think he has many struggles ahead of him though. Being with you is not what's making him unhappy.
I'm praying for all of you, especially you and D3. She's going to be fine Sue. You're a great Mom and she's young. I think taking her out of this situation as long as your H is so out of control is a courageous thing to do.
I'm sorry you had another ugly scene. But everything you said is right. You are strong, stronger than he is. And you deserve much better than what you get from him. I know it is very sad to leave some much of your life behind. But there will be much happier times ahead. You will draw the right kind of people to you in the future.
