Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[Aud31]

I told my W that I saw examples like that all over the house of her love for me, and that I wish I would have said so at the time.

I think it's awesome that you get that now. We all have things we could have/should have done, but today's a new day, and realization followed by action makes all the difference. Good job sharing your appreciation even if it was late.

[limbo]

LN

It is amazing that it take something so extreme to wake us up! I was the same way, and didn't really appreciate what my H did for me over the years!
But now I make sure to tell him know how much I appreciate him! Its so important to be appreciated, and to appreciate!

[LoginName]

The threads I'm watching aren't having much activity so I may as well post on my own :-)

I am thankful that my sitch is resolving with my M intact and with a lot of optimism for a better R. I am thankful that my sitch was not nearly as hard as many on this board. I'm thankful for finding this bb, and for grasshopper, toughlover, 25yrMlc, cat, and all the others who helped me. I'm thankful I've had the chance to help a few others, and for the opportunity to help more. I'm thankful for the MC we had. I'm thankful to my W for somehow sticking around, even when she said she didn't want to.

I think it works: DBing works. I think GAL, PMA, detaching, realizing it's not about you, letting go of what you can't control, works for making you a healthier person and is the best chance for saving your M.

Now I'm in a weird place, and I feel a little guilty for sharing this but good news can give hope to others, where my wife flirts with me, is affectionate, and MLs to me, with me, around me when we are together (which isnt' much since she lives in another state now). It's weird because it happened so fast. In late October, I had almost decided I couldn't do this any more. The only reason why I didn't call the L was because I wanted to sleep on the decision. Suddenly, early November, my W changed. She loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me happy, was thankful I had stuck around. The weird part is how fast it's happened. I'm still shocked, and a little nervous.

I hope the rest of you experience something like this soon. I'm not ready to say I've busted my D, but I feel I'm close. I look forward to posting a success story here. It can be done.

ttfn

[cat03]

whoohoo!! so you were holding back on us huh? lol! selfish, it can only gives us hope, I'm smiling big time for you
Amazing how she turned around right before you let the whole thing go, patience pays off indeed, hope I can b in your shoes soon, i'm very glad to read your post.

[imLIN]

Not so unusual...my H made a fairly fast turn to come home after being gone for almost 2 years...but it was a long time before he could declare his love for me again...but then he had a lot of issues still to deal with...

Glad you are on the upswing...so when will you both live in the same house again?

Lin

[LoginName]

Maybe y'all can tell me if I'm kidding myself here, if I'm thinking straight, what I should be thinking.

My sitch is good,and probably getting better. I feel a little like I shouldn't put my problems here because so many are facing much worse. But, I'll throw this out here anyway.

This morning, I was thinking about my future and started to think about my job. I'll be 50 in just a few years, then 60, etc :-) is this a job I could keep as I age? Will I have security of anykind? The company is small and in the housing construction market, so you know times aren't great.

I started this job a little over a month before my W left. When I took this job, I had an offer from another company that would have probably been more secure. The job I did take, I thought would challenge me more and give me a chance to break out of the rut I was in. Luckily, the job I took was very flexible with my work hours.

When my W left, I was able to stay home, get the kids to school, on the bus, be home when they got home.

What would I have done if my job didn't allow me to do that? How could I have taken care of the kids and kept them safe? She gave me 3 days notice that she was leaving. There was no time to make arrangements.

Luckily I was able to keep the kids safe, and keep them feeling safe.

But thinking of this, I'm really getting angry. How could she do that to her kids? I can understand her leaving me, but how could she leave her kids???? What kind of a woman is this? Can I trust her now?

I've told her I've forgiven her. I thought I had. But this morning, I'm mad and I'm thinking she needs to pay for this somehow. She has everything she wants, she hasn't suffered during this (except the pain of leaving her OM). (OK, OK, I know that's unfair, but is it largely true? She hasn't told me or shown me her suffering during the last year).

Have I forgiven her? Should I? Does she need to face what she did?

Should I talk to her about this and ask her what she felt, feels? Maybe I'm assuming things I shouldn't, assuming what her feelings and thoughts are. Maybe she has suffered.

And of course, like all of us LBS, I get the speech about how she is afraid I'll always hold this over her head. How ironic that we LBSers are asked to be strong, be patient, and then when the WAS comes back, we are asked to forget it ever happened and forgive. Maybe that's the hardest part.

I've so much less to forgive than many (although I worry that the story isn't over yet, it seems that almost every spouse who has an A reconnects with the OP eventually, sometimes more than once before it's all over). I did really think I'd forgiven. Now I can't tell. I've got a little (lot?) of anger still in me. What do I do with that anger?

thanks for listening. It helps to get it out, in writing or speaking. I feel less anger already. But still: she left her kids?!?!? I still don't get it.

[minkerman]

Man, I think you should be thankful for what you have. Let the past be just that...the past. Forgive and start again...not start over, start again - there is a difference.

Tell her you forgive her and will love her almost unconditionally...the only condition being that she commits 100% to working on the marriage with you.

I'd shake hands with the devil to have your sitch.

[DiDi]

I understand how you feel. WAS's do a whole lot of things that make us lose respect for their decisions. Horrible things, done in desperation (in their minds). We, in desperation to save our marriages... for ourselves, for our kids, overlook long enough to fight for them.

Once we "get what we want", it's really common to question it.

I too, wrote a post I was going to add to my thread on Monday. I know what you mean. I should feel greatful to have the chance that I have, and didn't want to sound gushy or gloating. I didn't post.

I thought about it.
This is what I came up with:
---------------------------------------------------------------
You wrote:
But thinking of this, I'm really getting angry. How could she do that to her kids? I can understand her leaving me, but how could she leave her kids???? What kind of a woman is this? Can I trust her now?
---------------------------------------------------

All WAS, man or woman, leave their children. When you chose to fight for your marriage, you chose to try to trust again.

We were not "asked" to be strong and patient. Most of us were asked to let them go. We CHOSE to be strong and patient. We decided that our R's were worth another try. They don't owe us for decisions we made. Did we make the right one? Only we can answer that.

Forgiveness. Sorry, LiN, that's a choice WE made. A choice we made for ourselves. We are not asked to forget it ever happened, we are trying to do our part to make sure it never happens again.

Do you love her? Why would you want her to suffer? It couldn't possibly take your pain away.

Worrying about her reconnecting? Waste of your time and negative energy that can only impede forward progress. If she does, you have another choice to make.

If she moved home a year +2 months ago, I definitely think you feel safe enough to talk to her about how you feel and expect remorse and reassurance from your W. Forgiving doesn't mean that we sweep it under the rug and never "bother" them about it again. You and the kids have to heal. The marriage has to grow. Avoiding conflict won't get you anything but anger. But no, she doesn't "owe" you for love you gave freely.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way lately. I'll probably go dig up my writing from Monday and put it out here so you can straighten me out, 'kay? Piecing is hard. I am still so very hurt. Your sitch got turned around quickly, as did mine, comparatively, but there is probably some fallout from that that we still have to go through. ???

Hope I don't sound like a nosy harpy. Just sayin....

[imLIN]

It appears your wife had a quick in/out period...so I can certainly understand your concern for repeat...My H had what a I called a mini-crisis a few years before his major MLC...the mini was him getting involved emotionally online...never met anyone...the next time this happened it progressed to the point he abandoned his family...I was left with my parents...I had just been laid off from my job...I had no money...no where to go with my 3 kids...

I know the feeling of abandonment...how could he do that???...he was such a good father...the "how could he" was the crisis part...like someone said...at the time they don't see other choices...we are incapable of change...their life is speeding by...what do they have to show for their life...they didn't live the life they deserved...etc....

My H did come home...almost 2 years later...still didn't love me but was willing to work with me on starting AGAIN...it took another year...and yes, during that time I felt like I was the one that had to be patient, trusting, loving, understanding, forgiving...that my feelings couldn't really be revealed...he couldn't handle my anger...my hurt...my pain...I wanted him to be sooo sorry, sooo remorseful...I wanted him to be begging me for forgiveness...that didn't happen...but I did find out from him that he was "feeling" those things...but was so guilt ridden and ashamed that he couldn't show those things...he had to go forward...as if..."nothing ever happened"...to look back hurt him so much...made him so depressed...he coudn't go there...

My suggestion for you...is if you can...get some counseling for yourself...work out your feelings...then maybe after you have done that you can share those feelings with your wife...but to do so while you are still in some turmoil would only serve the purpose of guilting her...and as much as you want her to suffer...the truth is...she most likely did...and I remember saying when I was going through this that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...so how could I wish it on my H "after" he had come home???...I think his pain had already been there...

My son was 9 when H left...I know how hard it is to juggle...I had to have a friend get him to and from school for me...and he was home alone until I got in from work with his sisters...we all had cell phones so he could call us if he needed too...he was a good boy and knew how to be safe about things in the house...a few hours on his own he handled very well...so when you ask what you would have done had you taken the other job...you would have MADE it work for you and the kids...where there is a will there is a way...

I do think your feelings are normal...I questioned my self many times after H returned...especially when things were still in the rough stages...and even again when I discovered emails between him and OW after he had been home about 9 months...there was a professing of love to her from him...and "I will always love you"...now after all that he loves me...he says he has no love for her...and I really believe those emails were for his own closure...I think he felt bad about "using" her during his crisis...and he needed to know she was still okay...I have come to terms with that...we are okay now...it was a long road...never easy...but well worth it!

Lin

[LoginName]

so, for those of you who've had a spouse that has had an affair, or just a WAS, what do you think, how much do you want to know? What do you ask the WAS?

After an affair, do you need to know what they did, what they thought, why she/he did it? Does it help to know?

Do you need to know that they aren't having an A now? Does it really help to see their phone bills, records, etc? (If they want to, they can cheat and lie no matter how much you track them, right?)

My guess is, that it doesn't matter. Either you trust or you don't. They can lie either way. My question is two fold: 1) in general (or specific to you, dear reader) how much do you need and want to know? 2) Is there some processing, process, that is important to go through for the LBS to get over IT and to move on and is that process helped by Knowing more? What is fair game to discuss with you spouse, when he/she comes back?

Full disclosure: my opinion is you need to know next to nothing. The less you know the better. If you find yourself thinking about the OP, stop! It's not acting "as If" nothing happened, it's knowing that it's not the important part of the whole sitch.
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