Helloooo...Smoother Ride....Where Are You???

[SueS]

Hi-

Well, I'm ready to admit that my M is over. I really am. Not that it isn't hard or painful, but it is over.

Today wasn't fun. H left for work, went to the store and got a hair cut. He just wasn't nice at all. We did go to the movie and yes, if anyone wants to see it, I highly recommend it. The bad part of the day came on the way home from picking up D3. I regret the fact that she heard us get angry and nasty with each other. We did smooth it over with her and tell her that we love her and that she's okay.

So, on our way home this is part of what was said.

H: Have you found a cheaper place yet?
Me: Maybe.
H: Really? In the building or somewhere else?
Me: Somewhere else. Down the road a bit. What are you going to do?
H: I just want to make sure you two are taken care of first.
Me: Why can't you answer me and tell me what you plan to do? You said you'd need a roommate. Have you found one?
H: Maybe. I have 2 people that are interested.
Me: Who?
H: What does it matter to you? You don't know them.
Me: It matters because our daughter would spend time with you and be around these people.
H: (Gave two names - one was a woman).
Me: So you'd live with a woman? (I got snotty here).. So what does someone else think of that?
H: Who?
Me: You know who.
H: Why do you care....Do you have a problem with her (OW).
Me: Hell yes! I have a problem her because she's f'ing my H.
H: (Quiet)
H: Is your problem more because I fell in love with another woman or a woman with kids?
Me: I have a problem with you f'ing someone outside of our marriage. If you were that unhappy you should have left me first and then started a relationship with her.
H: It doesn't matter. (He doesn't see a problem with this because our marriage was having problems before he knew her.)
Me: It does matter. We had problems, but her in the picture didn't help those problems it just made them worse.
H: No it doesn't matter. She has nothing to do with our problems and I have nothing to do with her problems between her and her H. He's treated her like sh*t for years.

Something was said and I told H it was time for him to get out. He said, You want me out? I said, well, that's what you've wanted isn't it? It got pretty nasty then with H critizing me as a wife and lover, telling me that I'll never be able to handle it on my own. I didn't realize that D3 heard this part, as she started saying that she didn't want daddy to leave. I started crying at this point too.

Me: What can't I handle? Being a single mom or being without you? I'm a hell of a lot stronger than you've ever given me credit for.
H: If you're so strong, why haven't you ever left me before. If you think or know that I've slept with 2 other people during our marriage, why haven't you been strong enough to leave me?
Me: The first time I felt I could forgive you. The second time we had an additional life in our family and I didn't want to give up on our family.

H again critisized me as a wife/lover. He screamed at me saying that he tried for 2 years to touch me and got tired of me not giving him what he needed. I told him that it wasn't easy being a new mom, working full-time and being the main bread winner for so long. He yelled saying F me and F D3. Then almost as soon as he yelled, he calmed down.

H: I know that I've treated you like sh*t for a long time and am mostly at fault for the breakdown of our marriage, but you had a part in this too. I don't hate you. I just don't love you anymore. I have love for you for good things in the past and I love you for giving me D3, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
Me: H, I've always admitted that I've made mistakes. Mistakes that I would fix if I could, but I can't. I have made them and I can't change that.
H: Why can't you just admit that we weren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I think you're afraid of what your family will say.
Me: I don't care what my family says.
H: I just want you this to end amicably. I want you to find someone to make you happy. I just want you to admit that you don't love me any more either.
Me: I want this to end peacefully too. I don't want this anger between us either. I don't want this yelling and screaming. I love you too for D3 but I have to be honest with you and myself and say that I don't love the H that's so angry with me and so unhappy right now.

D3 was crying. We didn't intend for all of this to happen in front of her, but it all just came out. We did tell her again that we loved her and that mommy and daddy were just raising their voices a little, but that it wasn't her fault and we shouldn't have done it.

So, that was most of it. H had been drinking tonight. Drinking a good deal. Not sure how things will play out tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure that things won't change in his mind. I'm tired too. I have to be very honest here and say that I've been tired for a long time. Tired of questioning everything I do because I'm not sure how H will react. Tired of wondering what type of a mood H will be in when I see him. Tired of walking on eggshells not just because of the A, but anytime anything upsets H. Tired of not doing things for me and making me happy. Just tired.

I am sad and I have a lot of tears left in me. I know I'll be sad for a long time and this will be very hard, but I do feel that it's over.

I will not leave this board. The support is what's kept me from going over the edge and I'm going to need a lot more in the months to come.

Thanks everyone!

SueS