well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

we will talk tomorrow, I will bring up S. I've been thinking of how we'll afford it and been trying to have some sort of plan together, this time around this S will be on my terms too.

We had the chaplain of the senate as the guest speaker during service today, and oh! what a wonderful message. What really struck me was his bringing up Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." About Elijah, who after having his prayer answered by God (fire from heaven on the wet altar) hid and was so fearful and discouraged that he asked God to take his life... and he ended up being one of 3 people in this whole earth who never saw death, he's up there, looking at Jesus' face.

How Jesus had such a mismatch group as disciples, who had so many faults and weaknesses and pride... and turn them into messengers who turned the whole world upside down.

Things will happen in due time. I expect things to get rough before they get better, I also know that I will falter and be weak, but I fully understand this S is so necesary. And even right now, I don't even trust him leaving the house early for xyz reason. At the time I truly believed I could get past it, but he has violated every ounce of trust I ever had in him, this time, I can't just act as if.

I have some fears, what if he falls in lov w/someone else, what if he believes all the craziness in his head about how intense his R was w/her thus it was genuine and doesn't think he could love me ever..things like that. I know they are irrational, I just have to put them out there in the open so they can die and also to be prepared for anything.