do you even for a moment think that your wife DOESN'T know how you feel about her??
That wasn't my goal with the letter. Mine was a response to hers. She wrote me a 2 page thing where she went on and on about what went wrong, all the reasons why she cannot continue to live with me. It was like she was putting her "case" before the court of the universal conscience, you know what I mean? Explaining the reasons for this serious action she was taking.
She reached out and I wanted to recognize it, respond to it. It's a funny dance I am engaged in. What I wrote was, 2 things: 1. I'm sorry it was such hell. 2. I'm letting you go. I'm moving on and I will be happy, and I'm sure she will be too, and I'm glad for that. I added the latter because I believe she is still feeling a great deal of pressure, she's still really angry. I still see angry, non-linear outbursts. Her face is truobled. I did not talk about how I feel about *her*. Come to think of it, talking honestly about how I feel about *her* at this moment would also require a much more profound effort on my part. That wasn't my purpose.
That letter I sent will close out my communications, unless and until she reaches out to me.
I think you are right though, I talk too much. One of my main problems. you can see it in the posts I write, too. It's the same thing with the letter I gave to her.
anyway....getting back to your question:
Quote:
do you even for a moment think that your wife DOESN'T know how you feel about her??
Yes. I think she doubts. If I could climb in side her head for a moment, which I know is kinda dangerous, I think she feels guilt and shame and feels she has ruined something beautiful. Sometimes I think she believes she doesn't deserve happiness or forgiveness or reconciliation, and that is why she harangues me and invents accusations and puts me through the wringer. Yes, I think she honestly doesn't believe that I could possibly still respect her. I think she sometimes looks at herself and wonders "what the hell?" I think she is trying to re-enact her father's abandonment of her as a child. I think she thinks I want to reconcile because I respect my marriage vows, because of the words I uttered one summer day, but not out of any real respect for her, and not because of some deeper personal commitment I made to her as a person.
I think she needs personal redemption, not the redemption that comes out of a church book, but the kind that comes from one person believing in another one, and just being there. I think this is what I signed up for when I said, "I do."
But I cannot talk about these things. I can only smile and sing (when I can, which is more and more lately) and hope she joins me one day.
On another note: my day turned around. I always brighten when I see my kids.
Got hit with a 2x4 tonight: I called my older brother. He is one year older than me, divorced 2 years ago, 4 kids, about the same age as my kids. It's Saturday night and he is drinking alone. He's still in pain. It's sobering to see it. He talked about trips the four of us took together 20 years ago, before we were married. He made good sport of criticizing his ex-wife, who is now newly remarried. I'm sure that's hard for him. And it is impossible for him to admit that it's hard. I don't want to walk down the path he chose. The angry bitter lonely path.
Today I am lonely but not too lonely. And not angry, or at least mostly not angry. And one day, not too long from now, I won't be lonely at all. One way or the other...
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
