Update: W had an engagement this afternoon, a training event. She asked if I would like to take the kids, do something with them while she was out. She is still operating on the "alternating weekends" custody plan, a mutual agreement we put in place for the separation 5 months ago, but which expired when she filed for divorce. I've asked for a more formal custody arrangement with more time with the kids, like a couple days+nights a week, but she has avoided that discussion consistently.
Anyway, when she dropped the kids off, at my friend's house where I am staying, she got out of the car and came into the house. No need for that, of course, but she did it anyway. I was looking good, shaved, wearing cologne, smiling. Hugged all our kids in front of her.
So off she went to the event, I had a nice time with the kids. When we met to exchange the kids, out at a restaurant parking lot, she again got out of the car. Again, there's no need for that. The kiddos were all giddy and jolly; we had had a good time. As the kids got into her car, I hugged em all, made em all giggle.
I made to leave, following the "break away first" approach. The doors of her car closed, and she started talking to me. So I stopped. I asked about her afternoon, the training event she attended, she explained what it was. I was interested, I mirrored her physical stance, I talked with her about it, asked her questions. It has to do with art, which she loves, and teaching art to elementary school kids. I really love her passion around art. Always have. It was one of the first things that attracted me to her.
Again I made to leave. She held me back, asked me a question about custody for the kids' spring break coming up. We talked about that and planned to resolve it later. I mentioned that I also want to talk about a formal custody plan, too. (she's resisted any discussion along those lines). And I asked her about the terms of sale on our prior (vacant) house.
Then again I made to leave. And then she stopped me and thanked me for the letter I wrote to her. She smiled. "Thanks for reading it," I said. I smiled too. Then I left without further delay. No looking back longingly.
I really don't think she wants a divorce.
Every time I do something to make progress on the divorce - separating finances, selling the house, establishing a custody plan - she balks, delays, defers, and withdraws. She has made no real moves as far as I know toward getting a job for herself.
Who knows? Maybe her plan for the financial side is that OM will support her. He has money. But it seems like it would be really risky for her to base a parenting plan, to be approved by the court, on support from the other man, who is 3 states away.
More likely it seems like she doesn't REALLY want to deal with the practical consequences of divorce. I am hoping that dealing with the practical reality will encourage her to look at the other aspects of divorce, too. And maybe she'll conclude that this marriage is worth saving.
By the way, I could have done better DBing in the interaction for kid exchange. In the car as I drove away I thought, I could have complimented her more on the art work she is foing. She is taking a leadership role in bringing art to school kids and I could have recognized that, and complimented her on it.
But overall I think it was a positive interaction. a baby step.
I am still bummed out that I don't see my kids as much as I would like, or in the way I would like. But I am being patient. I am waiting. Waiting. Working and Waiting. I can do this.
