You know what, Frank? I find it all a little passive-aggressive. Maybe I'm just fed-up with the spoiled brat that is your wife. I am sooooo looking forward to when reality finally sets in for her.
Yeah, last night was fun.
We went out for dinner to our favorite place, a Mongolian Barbecue restaurant we have been going to since W and I first started dating in 1986.
On the way she's asking my how my day was, what's going on in my business. I tell her various things that are positive and will bring me some money so I can PAY the mortgage and stuff eventually. She gives me that sickening 'I know you can do it' pep talk. I want to puke.
Then she tells me how she hoped she didn't keep me awake last night since she was 'jumpy' because of the super-mega energy work her friend had done on her. I told her that I didn't notice, and hoped she'd sleep better tonite.
During dinner I stayed detached from her, speaking to my daughters and D17's boyfriend but not initiating anything with her, instead only responding to her if she said something to me.
After a while she ordered a glass of plum wine. She got a little happier.
On the way home she talked to me about various unimportant things but I didn't have much to say so it was quiet. When we got home I was standing in the kitchen kind of looking off into space and she came up close behind me and asked me in her 'everything is normal' tone of voice and asks me "are you looking at something that needs to be fixed?" and I say "No, just thinking and staring". She says "Oh, I thought you saw something that was broken and I thought 'yet another problem to deal with in this old house'".
I said something insignificant, forgot what it was, but was thinking in my head 'yes, another problem for ME to deal with'. Stayed detached. She seemed to need my attention but I'm not going to get sucked in any more. She's either on the team, or off the team.
Later her friend showed up and of course the dynamic changed. They went into the guest bedroom for 'girl talk'. I was in 'our' room watching TV and at one point she came in to get her cell phone and told me "I'm going to show 'P' my new phone and all the cool stuff it does (MP3 player, etc)".
Again, why do I need to know this?
Of course, I'm thinking "why not show her how good it is to use for text messaging? Or maybe you have some photos of your married buddy?" Gotta stop those thoughts, they only hurt me.
A little later I was in the living room watching TV and she walks by with something she had printed out on the computer. I was curious and looked at it as she was walking by and she stopped, got angry and stuck it in my face and said "HERE, you need to see what this is????". It was an invoice for something. I just smiled and looked at her till she walked away.
Nice hostility on her part. Guess she got the 'support' she needed from her friend so she could recharge the 'Frank is being a jerk to me' battery.
This morning she left to go massage people. She also had an envelope with peoples photos on cd's from the Italy trip that she was going to give to 'Mr Text Messages'. I was wondering if she was going to his house (he loves his wife, did you know that?) and drop it off of maybe he could come by her workplace and they could have some 'private time'? Yeah, I'm a doofus.
Her friend 'P' is all nice and friendly to me this morning. Asks me for directions to a place where she wants to take the girls and I stay pleasant - for the girls sake - and tell her what she needs to know. Everything is just peachy.
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And another thing. If she is so freakin' "spiritual" why has she never been able to tune in to YOUR needs? Guess she's an ace at figuring out when there is "heavy energy or negative vibes" in the room. She just falls down a bit when it comes to being compassionate to the man she chose to marry.
Our counselor asked the same question. I had asked W for that kind of help months ago and she said "I can't do that for you like I can for my clients because I only see them for an hour and then I can walk away from their issues. With you I'd be too drained by being in them all the time".
So, the answer is: "It's too hard, I only want to deal with someone who I can be compassionate to for an hour"
Oh, here's a funny thing. W gave D17 a birthday card and in it she wrote some stuff, and ended it with "I'm looking forward to walking with you on your spiritual path".
Right. She has no idea what D17 will do when she finds out he mom is running away from her dad, who D17 knows has been having a hard time with everything the past many months. She will not be forgiven easily.
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Stay strong, my friend. This will be a bumpy ride. Take care of you. Keep your focus on you and your girls. They need you.
Doing my best. The more I am indifferent, the angrier she is getting. Of course she is presenting it to others as 'Frank is being a jerk'. After all, she is 'trying to be nice about all this' and I'm not returning the 'niceness'.
The more I am indifferent, the angrier she is getting.
You haven't seen anything yet,my friend. The simple fact that you are not doing everything she expects of you is a 180. As my teenager would say, "Nice to see that you've grown a pair." I'm proud of you.
As tough as this is going to be, I know you can do it. More importantly, I think you now know that you need to do it for your sake and your daughters.
Later,
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
The more I am indifferent, the angrier she is getting.
You haven't seen anything yet,my friend. The simple fact that you are not doing everything she expects of you is a 180. As my teenager would say, "Nice to see that you've grown a pair." I'm proud of you.
As tough as this is going to be, I know you can do it. More importantly, I think you now know that you need to do it for your sake and your daughters.
Later,
Spitty
Yeah, I do know this. It doesn't make it any easier though.
Still picking myself up from my own hole I was in before she did this, and picking myself up from having my knees knocked out from under me when she chose to quit.
A lot of picking up to do. But I have friends who help me now. That's a change from the way it used to be.
Still getting a lot of old wounds picked at while her friend is here. The 'comforting' she does for W, the hugs, the sitting and stroking her hair.
Just like before when W shut me out, and her friend became her 'substitute husband' while I was crashing. Then when W said 'Divorce!' her friend was her ally in helping her 'get healed from all the hurt that bad man did to you'.
Ouch. I think I'll just go out tonight so I don't have to see any of this crap again.
I'll be so much better off when W is gone. Then I can just be with my daughters, and they love me unconditionally.
Still getting a lot of old wounds picked at while her friend is here. The 'comforting' she does for W, the hugs, the sitting and stroking her hair.
Frank, come on. They do this in front of you? This is not normal friend behavior. Little Ms. P is not so innocent. she has sexual designs on your wife. Don't underestimate it.
Still getting a lot of old wounds picked at while her friend is here. The 'comforting' she does for W, the hugs, the sitting and stroking her hair.
Frank, come on. They do this in front of you? This is not normal friend behavior. Little Ms. P is not so innocent. she has sexual designs on your wife. Don't underestimate it.
They have always been this way. 'P' likes men but is very unattractive. I think this is more of a 'motherly' thing that she does with W. 'P' is the manager of a preschool and is very kid oriented. It's always seemed weird to me though. They have been friends for like 12 years.
Still, sometimes I have wondered about that level of 'closeness'. I personally have never known women who are that 'close' without being lesbians. It has always made me uncomfortable - like she is trying to pull her away from me. I don't think it's sexual, I think it's some other reason.
I realize tonight from observing 'P's actions and words that she came for the weekend to 'help W' get through it. As you may recall, W has a difficult time when I'm not being responsive to her 'niceness' towards me and when I do a 180 she goes into 'Frank is being a jerk - got to get a lawyer now so I can get this done!'.
So, remember that thursday I said I was NOT going to dinner with 'P' and the girls, that WE were going, just our family, and that D17's boyfriend was invited because I LIKE him.
Well, now 'P' has to come to save W from 'big bad Frank'. So she's stayed the whole weekend.
And W has been under her 'care' the whole time. 'P' has of course been super duper nice to me. One day my daughters will understand the role she has played in each of our breakups by not supporting the family or the marriage, but instead pulling W out of the marriage when W wants to bail.
I'm still responsible for my role. But W has created a support group that is not supportive.
I received an E-Mail from someone whom I do not know. This person is researching his family tree and is looking for a 'cousin' whom he thinks I might know because he was a principle of the company I created in 1990. He found my contact info on LinkedIn.
Of course, I do know his cousin. He's the guy who was basically stealing from the company we were both the founders of along with a 3rd person, after I created the product myself, worked hard to keep our clients happy, and dealt with his strange behaviors.
I thought he was my friend, until I saw how he was misusing the companies funds for personal stuff. When I called the finacier of our little company and told him my concerns, this 'friend' convinced him I was a stress case and not to believe me. They then proceeded to put ME on PROBATION for INSUBORDINATION and eventually he found a way to fire me from my own company.
From what I heard, a couple years later they took him away to the looney bin.
So, what should I tell this person who e-mailed me?
And, more to the point, why do you suppose this has been dropped on my lap NOW of all times?
Went for a long drive tonight because, well, I really can't stand being around 'P' and they were watching 'chick flix' tonight.
Lot's to think about. a couple things have been sticking in my head.
Thinking about W and how she deals with problems. Two things happened the past year. First, she had problems with he 'co-leader' of her girl scout troop. The other woman was a controlling B*tch and W tried (weakly) to cooperate with her. I suggested she take some control but she instead let this woman walk all over her. Eventually she 'had enough of her' and resigned as co-leader. Half the troop quit because the girls didn't like that woman either.
Second, she has been co-vp of the band boosters this year. The previous VP's are controlling women who seem to like to withhold information about how to run events and fundraisers so that she and the other VP will not do as 'great' a job as these women did in the previous years. Then they get to swoop in and fix it all.
I keep telling her to be more assertive but she doesn't and keeps getting blindsided by these women.
she also has similar problems with her co-vp, who doesn't do the work that is assigned to her in a timely manner.
On a different topic. This keeps bothering me. AmyC said "When will someone be afraid THEY may lose FRANK?"
It bothers me because I've been so compliant, so willing to come back like a puppy after being kicked. My W has never had to be afraid that she might lose ME. Just that she might not be 'safe' or 'cared for' by me. When she doesn't feel 'safe or cared for' and it's stressful, she doesn't care if she loses me, it becomes all about her being 'happy'.
But, I'm worth keeping. Even SHE knows that. But apparently she's not afraid of losing me.
You know Frank, I stopped posting to you for a while because you seemed to 'know' everything, but I still read your posts and the replies. Nothing seems to change. You get caught up in the minute details of it all but seem to not move on or achieve much. Here you are still banging on about the W and wrongs done to you in the past by her and by others in business.
Whilst I can understand the injustice in all this, it really is not helping you deal with the things you need to focus on.
Frank, when are you going to stand still and stop reacting in a frightened way and start focusing on the job in hand - namely saving Frank? At the moment you seem hell bent on the destruction of Frank.
Why even bother about what you are going to reply to the person asking you about a long lost relative. Why think about what effect the person they are contacting you about had on your life. Your reply is likely to only cause misery on both sides. you have got to learn to let go and move on.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You know Frank, I stopped posting to you for a while because you seemed to 'know' everything, but I still read your posts and the replies. Nothing seems to change. You get caught up in the minute details of it all but seem to not move on or achieve much. Here you are still banging on about the W and wrongs done to you in the past by her and by others in business.
Whilst I can understand the injustice in all this, it really is not helping you deal with the things you need to focus on.
Frank, when are you going to stand still and stop reacting in a frightened way and start focusing on the job in hand - namely saving Frank? At the moment you seem hell bent on the destruction of Frank.
Saffie,
Regarding the person who E_mailed me I actually am giving it zero thought. I just found it interesting that, during a time where I am looking at the past wounds that have not been healed, someone contacts me from that very past. I already know what I'm going to reply, I'm going to be polite, tell him I don't know where he is and give him the e-mail of some other ex employees of the company that he can ask for info. Simple.
As far as the analysys of W's lack of dealing with issues, and the relationship with her 'friend', well that has been helping me to understand how messed up the dynamic has been in all her relationships, not just in ours. Remember, I have been making 'excuses' for her for years and I need to erase that need by seeing REALITY now. Being logical, the more I sort it out the more I guess I can 'justify' letting her go and not feeling guilty.
BUT, that doesn't mean that you aren't also right. All of this keeps picking at the wounds I have, and it keeps bringing me out of 'logical' and into 'emotion'. FaithIsBelieving called me this morning and went over this 10 times.
As he said to me "how much more 'analysis and understanding' do you need? It is what it is. When do you decide that it's better to say goodbye now?"
I know what 'saving Frank' should look like, it's very hard to ignore W when I live with her.
So, today I'm going to our church, probably alone since 'P' is still here. That will be good for me.
Then, I am spending the rest of the day working on a programming project that I need to finish. That way I can feel some accomplishment.
Had a good talk with Dee after the service today. She is continuing to help me to stay focused on ME and to remember that as long as I remember to 'do no harm to others', it's ok for me to be selfish and set my boundaries with W, or anyone else who might push my 'please fix me' buttons.
The bottom line is this. Once upon a time I actually BELIEVED that I could do anything. And I DID it.
The speaker at the church today said one important thing "LET God work through you, we are all an expression of Gods creativity. We already HAVE that connection to God inside us. We only need to stop preventing it from working."
Yes, and it's because instead of having Love and Faith we have Fear and Doubt. Well, Love and Faith can defeat Fear and Doubt.
Only if we let it happen. As Jesus said "As you believe so shall it be unto you".
And, it isn't possible to change what is outside of us. Only what is inside. Then, what's outside will 'adjust' to our changes.
all good stuff. Most of it I already 'knew'. I stopped putting it into practice. Today, I'm keeping it in my conscious mind so that it can manifest itself again.
