1st post - saw Michele on Fox. Google turned up this site. I have been browsing around here for about a week or so and decided to join. The new book doesn't apply to me, but found a copy of SSM in paperback that I just started. I hope it will help.
I am HD, my wife is LD, at least in our M. No affair that I can tell, but she talks (and emails) a friend about doing it with various celebs often enough for me to ask here about it. If we did it as often as W talked about it with movie stars, I'd be the envy of a lot of other men. For us, its anywhere from 2-4 times a month. Every now and then she initiates. In all cases, everyone is satisfied. (One clue on this front is how ticked off W gets the few times there have been interruptions. Once the engine is started, she insists we finish the race.)
So, is this something to worry about? Do other women do this sort of thing? (And why!!) If the concensus of women here feel this is just "women acting like men in a locker room", I can live with it. If not, I'm open to any advice.
Weird. . .I don't discuss having sex w/ celebrities. Never have. I love my H and want to discuss having sex w/ him (I'm HD, he's LD). BUT, maybe I'm different than most W. But everyone is entitled to their fantasies. I would ask her if you're one of them!
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
Weird. . .I don't discuss having sex w/ celebrities. Never have. I love my H and want to discuss having sex w/ him (I'm HD, he's LD). BUT, maybe I'm different than most W. But everyone is entitled to their fantasies. I would ask her if you're one of them!
I don't there there is any room left in her head for me
NS - I am a LDW. It is very frustrating for me. Has your W been to doctors to have thyroid and testosterone checked? Natural testosterone helped me but I stopped because it made me gain weight.
My H has been verbally abusive - he claims it is all a result of his frustration. Whatever the reason, we are both trying to move forward.
Do you listen to your W? For example, I've told my H I enjoy showering together, but he always wants to turn it into sex. That's not what I said. Now, I don't want to shower together.
I don't know enough about your situation to say much here. I don't talk about movie stars. I love my H and can appreciate the good in him. I hate having polarized sex drives. The pressure from society, H, self to be some hot woman is incredible. I have great stresses in my life, but I believe my H could help by meeting me halfway. Are you doing that?
Oh, I absolutely agree with you. I think if I hadn't grown up with a father with a temper my tolerance would be less. I got the porn out of the house and now I'm working on the abuse. He has signed up for an anger management class. I don't want my child growing up with screaming and name-calling. That was my breaking point. I'm still not sure which way things will go, but I'm hoping things work out - for all of us.
My LD has been frustrating for both of us. I feel like a failure and he's...suprememly frustrated and doesn't handle it well. I try to remember all of the good things but sometimes I just feel...adverse to the idea of sex. I've told him that and told him why.
I have another post I started. I think in any long term relationship it's a struggle to keep the passion going. I'm looking for ideas. I've read everything - been to doctors - tried meds. I'm tired - I'm stressed (I have an ill mother, ill sister, toddler, full time job and no libido).
I'm not ready to give up on my M. Oh trust me, in the throws of a tantrum or silent treatment I think I may be done, but I also know I shouldn't make that decision during a bad time. Most of the time things are okay. Definitely not perfect, but not bad either. I want things to get better. I want to have a libido again.
I read recently 40% of women struggle with LD. I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. We are wired in such a complicated way. I've never been HD, except at the start of a relationship. How do you keep it going? How do you get it back?
NS - I am a LDW. It is very frustrating for me. Has your W been to doctors to have thyroid and testosterone checked? Natural testosterone helped me but I stopped because it made me gain weight.
No she hasn't.
Originally Posted By: Light Seeker
Do you listen to your W? For example, I've told my H I enjoy showering together, but he always wants to turn it into sex. That's not what I said. Now, I don't want to shower together.
I learned about listening quite recently, in fact, broswsing other sections of this board. The trick is what a women considers listening isn't the same (or natural) to men. I'm working on it.
Originally Posted By: Light Seeker
I don't know enough about your situation to say much here. I don't talk about movie stars. I love my H and can appreciate the good in him. I hate having polarized sex drives. The pressure from society, H, self to be some hot woman is incredible. I have great stresses in my life, but I believe my H could help by meeting me halfway. Are you doing that?
I'm trying. She has stress too (though a lot of it self inflicted.) Meeting half way would be a lot easier for me if "they" were not in the picture. To me, you are either LD or you a not. To me, talking about wanting other man isn't LD. That's why I posted here. I asked a few very close friends if they do it, all of them said no. They are honest, they have each told me worse.
The result of all this has me feeling used. To me, I feel like I'm just another household chore that needs to be done a few times a month. If my salary was cut in half, I bet she'd be out the door.
NS - I know how your feel about the chore aspect. This is very difficult for both sides of the equation. Kudos to you for reaching out.
I'm glad you are trying to listen and understand. Men and women are different, but that doesn't have to be the end of it.
I don't see anything wrong with telling your W that you feel hurt by her attention to the movie stars. Tell her that if she feels that way about you, it's not hitting home. Tell her you are unhappy and think she is unhappy and that you want to make things better for both of you...then listen.
Communication is tricky. It often gets defensive and ugly. I tend to get tense and shut down. It's a delicate dance. I certainly haven't mastered it.
Personally, I don't think the movie star thing is that far removed from porn, which I have banned from my house. You have to choose your boundaries and stick with them.
I don't see anything wrong with telling your W that you feel hurt by her attention to the movie stars. Tell her that if she feels that way about you, it's not hitting home. Tell her you are unhappy and think she is unhappy and that you want to make things better for both of you...then listen.
In the past, a conversation about much less didn't come out that well. "I'm doing nothing wrong", "how dare you", "stop being so insecure", "don't you dare get mad at me for this".
This time, while fixing her friends PC, I stumbled across the crap; no wiggle room here. A flat out email exchange, with images, about who make her hot, who she dreams about etc. Not just movie stars, but in general, celebs. Most half her age.
If I were to stick to my boundaries, I give away half of what I own. There are kids involved. That's the only reason I'm even here.
