All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

25 yrs - thank you for you for your reply.

I think you may have hit on something in your 3rd and 4th paragraph. In my self analysis I have wondered if it is all my fault, what am i like to live with? If you are right, where on earth do I begin?

Up until 12 months ago, I was unaware that H was feeling the way he did, I would never had said I was unhappy, just that our lives were so busy, but of our own making. So i was knocked for 6 when the bomb dropped.

Now I find that i'm having to look into myself and see where it all went wrong, what was my part in all of this, not an easy thing for me to do, especially as H has never said anything that I did personally/or habits/behaviours that I had were to blame, only the lack of space in the house and not enough time together. He has said recently that he bears a huge grudge against my XH for not being the father he should have been and for moving 200 miles away,only seeing the girls during the holidays. He said he felt as if he had been taken for an easy ride, someone who will provide for my XH daughters while he started a new life miles away. He believes my xh has been resentful of us and has tried to be venegful.

I pointed out that he knew we came as a package and that was what he wanted, and what if there was no father on the scence, I asked him if he would still have taken us on? He never gave me an answer to that, he said we were getting to the stage of saying things that weren't justified? I said he was controlling the situation again b/c he refused to talk more.

I think you could be right about the smothering, let me give you an outline:

I knew H was an independent guy when we met, he liked to live life to the max, burning the candle at both ends, until his days off and he would sleep constantly. I knew he liked his skiing holidays with the lads, and I have never minded this until 4 years ago.

I went out to work full time when I left my XH so that I didn't feel beholden on my current H for money.

We had S1 who was 3 at the time and I was expecting baby no4.
H has (or had) a best friend (i've mentioned him before) who lives this double life. They wanted to go away for nearly 3 weeks heli-skiing in Canada (jumping out of helicopters to extreme ski down mountains).

My objections to this were:

a) the cost (£3 or 4,000)which no way could we afford,
b) was childcare for S1 and
c)I was pregnant (and more than a little worried about his safety and his need to do it)
d) we were in the process of purchasing a property in France, which was and still is a huge burden, the mortgage has crippled us.

The friend he was going with didn't have any of the issues that we had, (he was also buying the property in france next door and was pressuring us for a decision), his wife is a stay at home wife with full support of both of her parents and the money wasn't an issue for them either, he would give his wife a huge sum of money to spend while he was away and then after his holiday he would take his wife away for the weekend while her parents looked after their children (was I jealous - yes you bet)

At the time i was so p****d off that H didn't think it unreasonable & would even consider going, I told him that he could go, get it out of his system, but not to come back. He didn't go and had never said any more about it, but it was obviously on his mind. He has since said that he resented this hugely and I still feel we have to agree to disagree. I said it wouldn't be so bad now, but when i was pregnant it was a huge issue to me. I think at the time i was mad b/c I thought he was getting all the fun and I wasn't. He said if I had a burning desire to go to the farthest point in the world and it would cost thousands and it meant i was away for months, then he would have found a way to have supported me. I said, a mother just doesn't do that, I could never leave my kids.

Now that i'm separated I can see how important it is too have your own time, that is one thing I have learnt. But I don't have friends that leave their kids (not unless they go away with husbands for holiday, leaving kids with parents) unfortunately we don't have that kind of support, we'd struggle for a night let alone a weekend/week.

I know I lived my life through him and just wanted to make him happy, I just wanted us to be happy, all I wanted was to spend what little free time we did have together - yes i admit, i think i styfled him and the more he pulled away the more needy I became, I was feeling unloved and insecure, so I tried to hold him back and clung to him.

When i try to figure out what went wrong, I over analyse. BUT, as much time allows, i am GAL, i go out whenever I can, I accept offers now that before I would have refused b/c i would have prefered to stay at home. I try to see the positive and i'm trying not to over react to every situation. I was critical, negative and insensitive and i'm trying to change that.


No wonder he left then????

xe