I am feeling weak, yes. I have lost my wife, I'm out of my house, I see my kids once or twice a week. I am in a position of weakness. I feel beaten, beat up.
I've been there so I do know where you are coming from... but gosh, climb out of that hole!!! You are alive, you are not dying of some fatal disease (or at least you haven't mentioned you are)... and life is an ADVENTURE. Climb out of that hole and take a look around!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Got it. I hear you. What you say sounds so sensible. I waffled on the sending a letter thing, because she gave me a long letter, very angry, full of fear and even paranoid. I wanted to empathize with her feelings. It was an opening I didn't want to ignore or pass by.
Say it with me now: Stop wallowing in the cr@p. Stop wallowing in the cr@p. Stop wallowing in the cr@p.
Running and Choc, I need more of your perspective in me.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
climb out of that hole!!! You are alive, you are not dying of some fatal disease (or at least you haven't mentioned you are)... and life is an ADVENTURE. Climb out of that hole and take a look around!!!
You know, I used to do a ton of things I liked. I used to ride all the time with that former friend of mine, we were regulars. And still riding together and hanging out all during the deception. And of course I got fulfillment from my job, from friends. Then we moved across the country from my friends and siblings. I moved from my house into a new smaller, yet much more expensive house. Later I lost my wife, got locked out of the new house, and can't see my kids any more.
I can go on bike rides now but it all seems pretty shallow. The things that are important to me were taken from me, not honestly at all, and it sure does feel pretty unfair.
I hate the feeling of being a victim, but I can't shake it.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Sir, if you feel you need to say something, simply say "I hate seeing you in this pain," or "I'm sorry you're in pain." But it's best to leave it be, and work on yourself.
Let me put it this way: do you even for a moment think that your wife DOESN'T know how you feel about her??
It's OK to have days like this -- we have all had them. I felt pretty much the same way just yesterday, but then I met a couple of buddies for some beers and made sure I had a good time, without my wife.
You can be in this place. You just can't STAY in it. Give yourself "the 24-hour rule," and then snap out of it, and into ACTION. It will have the dual effect of improving YOU, and also making you more attractive.
do you even for a moment think that your wife DOESN'T know how you feel about her??
That wasn't my goal with the letter. Mine was a response to hers. She wrote me a 2 page thing where she went on and on about what went wrong, all the reasons why she cannot continue to live with me. It was like she was putting her "case" before the court of the universal conscience, you know what I mean? Explaining the reasons for this serious action she was taking.
She reached out and I wanted to recognize it, respond to it. It's a funny dance I am engaged in. What I wrote was, 2 things: 1. I'm sorry it was such hell. 2. I'm letting you go. I'm moving on and I will be happy, and I'm sure she will be too, and I'm glad for that. I added the latter because I believe she is still feeling a great deal of pressure, she's still really angry. I still see angry, non-linear outbursts. Her face is truobled. I did not talk about how I feel about *her*. Come to think of it, talking honestly about how I feel about *her* at this moment would also require a much more profound effort on my part. That wasn't my purpose.
That letter I sent will close out my communications, unless and until she reaches out to me.
I think you are right though, I talk too much. One of my main problems. you can see it in the posts I write, too. It's the same thing with the letter I gave to her.
anyway....getting back to your question:
Quote:
do you even for a moment think that your wife DOESN'T know how you feel about her??
Yes. I think she doubts. If I could climb in side her head for a moment, which I know is kinda dangerous, I think she feels guilt and shame and feels she has ruined something beautiful. Sometimes I think she believes she doesn't deserve happiness or forgiveness or reconciliation, and that is why she harangues me and invents accusations and puts me through the wringer. Yes, I think she honestly doesn't believe that I could possibly still respect her. I think she sometimes looks at herself and wonders "what the hell?" I think she is trying to re-enact her father's abandonment of her as a child. I think she thinks I want to reconcile because I respect my marriage vows, because of the words I uttered one summer day, but not out of any real respect for her, and not because of some deeper personal commitment I made to her as a person.
I think she needs personal redemption, not the redemption that comes out of a church book, but the kind that comes from one person believing in another one, and just being there. I think this is what I signed up for when I said, "I do."
But I cannot talk about these things. I can only smile and sing (when I can, which is more and more lately) and hope she joins me one day.
On another note: my day turned around. I always brighten when I see my kids.
Got hit with a 2x4 tonight: I called my older brother. He is one year older than me, divorced 2 years ago, 4 kids, about the same age as my kids. It's Saturday night and he is drinking alone. He's still in pain. It's sobering to see it. He talked about trips the four of us took together 20 years ago, before we were married. He made good sport of criticizing his ex-wife, who is now newly remarried. I'm sure that's hard for him. And it is impossible for him to admit that it's hard. I don't want to walk down the path he chose. The angry bitter lonely path.
Today I am lonely but not too lonely. And not angry, or at least mostly not angry. And one day, not too long from now, I won't be lonely at all. One way or the other...
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
What's done is done... but no more letters. No more reacting to her. Detachment is the key to letting go, healing and creating an enviornment that will allow for successful reconciliation if that's in the cards.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
An update of our first interaction after the letter.
when she dropped the kids off, at my friend's house where I am staying, she got out of the car and came into the house. No need for that, of course, but she did it anyway. I was looking good, shaved, wearing cologne, smiling. Hugged all our kids in front of her.
So off she went to the event, I had a nice time with the kids. When we met to exchange the kids, out at a restaurant parking lot, she again got out of the car. Again, there's no need for that. The kiddos were all giddy and jolly; we had had a good time. As the kids got into her car, I hugged em all, made em all giggle.
I made to leave, following the "break away first" approach. The doors of her car closed, and she started talking to me. So I stopped. I asked about her afternoon, the training event she attended, she explained what it was. I was interested, I mirrored her physical stance, I talked with her about it, asked her questions. (It has to do with art, which she loves, and teaching art to elementary school kids. I really love her passion around art. Always have. It was one of the first things that attracted me to her. She knows this. I did not say anything about this. )
Again I made to leave. She held me back, asked me a question about custody for the kids' spring break coming up. We talked about that and planned to resolve it later. I mentioned that I also want to talk about a formal custody plan, too. (she's resisted any discussion along those lines). And I asked her about the terms of sale on our prior (vacant) house.
Then again I made to leave. And then she stopped me and thanked me for the letter I wrote to her. She smiled. "Thanks for reading it," I said. I smiled too. Then I left without further delay. No looking back longingly.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Hummmm.... well you handled it well and it sounds like some of her anger may have receded. That's very good. Now keep up he good work on being pleasant, a great listener, avoiding personal relationship talk, and a validator of feelings... when opportunities like you've described arise.
Don't expect any big changes soon. This is a very very VERY slow and gradual process. It's like reeling in a big fish.
Also, keep up the good physical looks and the cologne. Yeeeeeeah!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
