It appears your wife had a quick in/out period...so I can certainly understand your concern for repeat...My H had what a I called a mini-crisis a few years before his major MLC...the mini was him getting involved emotionally online...never met anyone...the next time this happened it progressed to the point he abandoned his family...I was left with my parents...I had just been laid off from my job...I had no money...no where to go with my 3 kids...
I know the feeling of abandonment...how could he do that???...he was such a good father...the "how could he" was the crisis part...like someone said...at the time they don't see other choices...we are incapable of change...their life is speeding by...what do they have to show for their life...they didn't live the life they deserved...etc....
My H did come home...almost 2 years later...still didn't love me but was willing to work with me on starting AGAIN...it took another year...and yes, during that time I felt like I was the one that had to be patient, trusting, loving, understanding, forgiving...that my feelings couldn't really be revealed...he couldn't handle my anger...my hurt...my pain...I wanted him to be sooo sorry, sooo remorseful...I wanted him to be begging me for forgiveness...that didn't happen...but I did find out from him that he was "feeling" those things...but was so guilt ridden and ashamed that he couldn't show those things...he had to go forward...as if..."nothing ever happened"...to look back hurt him so much...made him so depressed...he coudn't go there...
My suggestion for you...is if you can...get some counseling for yourself...work out your feelings...then maybe after you have done that you can share those feelings with your wife...but to do so while you are still in some turmoil would only serve the purpose of guilting her...and as much as you want her to suffer...the truth is...she most likely did...and I remember saying when I was going through this that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...so how could I wish it on my H "after" he had come home???...I think his pain had already been there...
My son was 9 when H left...I know how hard it is to juggle...I had to have a friend get him to and from school for me...and he was home alone until I got in from work with his sisters...we all had cell phones so he could call us if he needed too...he was a good boy and knew how to be safe about things in the house...a few hours on his own he handled very well...so when you ask what you would have done had you taken the other job...you would have MADE it work for you and the kids...where there is a will there is a way...
I do think your feelings are normal...I questioned my self many times after H returned...especially when things were still in the rough stages...and even again when I discovered emails between him and OW after he had been home about 9 months...there was a professing of love to her from him...and "I will always love you"...now after all that he loves me...he says he has no love for her...and I really believe those emails were for his own closure...I think he felt bad about "using" her during his crisis...and he needed to know she was still okay...I have come to terms with that...we are okay now...it was a long road...never easy...but well worth it!
