Newbie needs advice with MLC wife

[familyman dave]

Brief history of my situation:
I started another thread back in late Dec but don’t know how to retrieve so some of this is a repeat. This is my second post. Have been married for 31 years. Has been a somewhat up & down marriage. Started joint MC in early summer of ’07 – at W’s suggestion. C suggested IC for both. Was very helpful for me and I am continuing C. W attended maybe 3 or 4 sessions and had various reasons not to continue and then stopped. Informed me in late Sept she is moving out and needed a few months to decide how she wants to do. Said she loves me but is not in love with me. Said we should never have gotten married in the first place (took 31 years to figure that out!!). Said there is no passion in the marriage. (BTW – Kids are all grown and no longer at home – we were both going thru empty nest syndrome). 3 weeks later informed me she wants a divorce. Is pretty much avoiding her own family (mom and sisters. They don’t understand what she is doing. She made a number of comments how even her family is supporting me not her when she feels she is the victim???? Our own kids are very upset with her. My priest referred me to this website. I have read DB and had 2 telephone counseling sessions. Was told W is going thru MLC. Received D papers in mid Dec. Made my first post shortly thereafter. Was advised to read thru the MLC resources and read thru the other MLC threads (there is alot of great advice). Seems like she is following much of the same script (The MLCers must have a site they go to for the script) Meanwhile I have contacted a cousin who is a family law lawyer. Have been advised on signing acknowledgement of receipt of D papers and how to file a response. The first couple of months there was very little communication. Since around Thanksgiving W has been contacting me somewhat frequently by phone or email ( I think she was getting lonely and depressed based on comments she made and just how she acted). At her request we have went out for dinner usually once a week since then. We spent a large part of Christmas Eve and day together with our kids and grandkids. We have been getting together for 1 reason or another at least twice a week at her request. I just want to give her space and I never bring up the R. The wanting to get together frequently is very confusing although I am glad – it gives me hope (maybe false hope). She acts as if things are normal but on more than 1 occasion she has made comments referring to “after we are divorced”??? Meanwhile I have started an exercise program since mid Oct. It has helped immensely with relieving stress and sleep. I have put on a lot of weight over the years and it is helping big time with that too (no pun intended). She was renting a room from a coworker and her family. They now need the room she was renting for another family member and have asked her to move. She asked me yesterday for money for first/last for an apartment and furnishings. This is the first time she has asked for anything since the separation. I don’t think she can afford the apt and related expenses but doesn’t realize it. I think this may lead to future requests. So far there has been no mention of temporary spousal support. There are other options but one of her complaints about me have been about control issues so I am hesitant about suggesting them and I realize that if the D goes thru some of the money she is requesting is her rightful share. I did ask her to send me an email acknowledging that is coming out of her share. I have not touched any of our assets since this all started and will not until I am legally directed. I am trying to make changes for myself – I have a long way to go. I don’t know if the frequent contact is a good idea since it appears to not be making a difference in her ultimate goal. This is all happening too fast. Any advice? Sorry for the long thread.

FMD

[graceallday]

You sound like you are doing all the right things and are a quick study....If you decided to give her money nased on your reasoning of the probablilty of spousal I would just docuemnt it and keep good records...it may be best to get advice from an attorney at this point too....its so hard when you are hit with this to do that..but it is the right thing to do. Kepp up the non controlling and the weight program..I know my h left me and he is controlling and i didnt relly notice it or it bother me before , but now 3 years post bomb big time MLC, I have been standing this whole time and his controlling manner is getting really annoying...so I am trying to relate that to a women who might be in MLC its a drag......then now I look at my H from such a detached perspetive and I have had to or I would not survive....but he has gained weight and has this miserable looks on his face..sometimes I wonder if its just for me or he alwasy has that...anyway....I used to think he was the most handsome man in the whole world...now....his pained look and weight gain....and so mean....not attractive...just attached! and strong belief against divorce..anyway just trying to help you see you are doing the right things..keep it up

[familyman dave]

Grace - Thx for the reply. The lawyer advised to give her the money but as you suggested to keep good records. Says it is best to maintain good will. I don't feel like a quick study. So many people on this board seem to be very perceptive and able to see thru complex situations. I read the DB book. I need to go thru it again. I think I need to go thru the goal setting part especially so I can start setting specific ones. The detaching is the hard part for me. There are days that I accept that she has to go thru this but other days where I just don't have the same perspective and the patience and understanding isn't there and I feel very down. I pray (for both of us). Wasn't always good with that. It helps me a lot. My spiritual life has improved big time. I believe this is part of the reason why this had to happen. Thx for the encouragement.

Dave

[graceallday]

Dave

Also the Divorce Remedy book, I think she wrote it after, anyway I think it is an easier read and makes things more clear and direct. How cool our proest pointed you to this site. I do belive no one has a clue what D is like until you start down the path and then everything you were ever annoyed with or mad over seems so easy to pay attention to and fix..becuase if you ever thoguth something was hard before...you will have a new perspectie after this...this crud is what hard is.....hang in there keep posting sometimes it takes awhile to get repleys but keep posting its helpful..

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hi Dave,

Detaching is hard. Like anything else, it gets easier with time.

I don’t know if the frequent contact is a good idea since it appears to not be making a difference in her ultimate goal.

: )...ok what is your goal? Is the time together good for YOU or difficult. Doesn't matter what else you think it is impacting. If you feel good about it then continue, if it is painful for you then stop.

Here is an outside look based upon what you said.

The first couple of months there was very little communication. Since around Thanksgiving W has been contacting me somewhat frequently by phone or email ( I think she was getting lonely and depressed based on comments she made and just how she acted). At her request we have went out for dinner usually once a week since then. We spent a large part of Christmas Eve and day together with our kids and grandkids. We have been getting together for 1 reason or another at least twice a week at her request.

Do you notice an increase in time together? Set at her pace? I do.

If you can handle it there are few better ways than contact to get them to see the changes in you. Notice I said 'see'? Don't every tell her that your better or improving, she needs to see it to believe it. Telling her works against you.

MLC LBS interaction is a mine field.

There are certain ways of crossing a minefield that work. And people here can tell you those ways.

But everymine field like every relationship is different.

You are going to have to find out what works for you, as you clear your own field, and it is a very slow process.

It seems like you have the GALing down pat. Good for you on the improvements you are making. Good for you.

From experience...not having the support of her family, or children...that is not a good thing, right or wrong, that is going to REALLY hurt her...and strangely...I got blamed for the problems she had with her mother.

MLCs...gotta love the silly crazy selfish SOBs.

I believe this is part of the reason why this had to happen.

With that attiude you can do this. Use this time to improve yourself, to learn.

There are days that I accept that she has to go thru this but other days where I just don't have the same perspective and the patience and understanding isn't there and I feel very down.

One day at a time. For as long as you can. Do not look far down the road, look as far as tomorrow. Or even only 30 minutes from now if that works.

"Today is not the day you quit, and you will not quit tomorrow, but lets see what tomorrow brings." Repeat that everyday.

Everytime you feel hurt suck it up. Pain tells you your alive and anything you conqueor makes you stronger than that thing.

[familyman dave]

Hey Jack - Thanks for all the responses. Good info. I'm slowly learning.

ok what is your goal? Is the time together good for YOU or difficult. Doesn't matter what else you think it is impacting. If you feel good about it then continue, if it is painful for you then stop.

I feel good spending time with her. The hesitancy from me -wrong in 2 ways - trying to predict the future & because maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt more (what a wimp). Gotta look at those few hours as just that, spending a nice 1 or 2 hours with her

There are certain ways of crossing a minefield that work. And people here can tell you those ways.
You are going to have to find out what works for you, as you clear your own field, and it is a very slow process.

I gotta be patient and keep my perspective. Just don't want to make any serious mistakes

From experience...not having the support of her family, or children...that is not a good thing, right or wrong, that is going to REALLY hurt her

Our kids are grown and I've tried to tell them to keep the communication with her open. If they are angry let her know , but keep talking. As I am painfully learning, you can't make anyone do anything until they are ready. They are not happy with her. Nor are her sister and mom. The consequences are going to be what they are going to be. At least my older daughter is talking more with her.


"Today is not the day you quit, and you will not quit tomorrow, but lets see what tomorrow brings."

Gonna print this and keep a copy in my wallet. Inspiring!!

Everytime you feel hurt suck it up. Pain tells you your alive and anything you conqueor makes you stronger than that thing.

I regret none of this, it hurts and it is painful, but I am awake, and I know what I want.

The pain makes me never take anything for granted again. I was just coasting thru life. No more. Wasn't holding up my end of the R. I would never have stopped to take a look at things if this hadn't happened. Still a lot to learn and figure out.

[Grace_O]

Hey Dave,

It's hard to let go of tring to predict the future. You'll get there. I use a thick rubber band and snap it (on my wrist) when my thoughts take me to places where I've over analyzing or negative. Then replace those thoughts with something positive (Jacks "Today is not the day you quit..." is a good one).

It's good that you're encouraging the kids to talk with her, but they (She and whomever) are responsilbe for that R.

You seem to "get" alot of things about this mess and are able to be introspective. This is in your favor.

Good luck with the workouts, they have helped me more than I can say. That it helps us look better is icing on the cake.

HUGS

[familyman dave]

Hi Grace_O,

Thanks for the encouragement. The rubber band is a good idea to help with the negativity. I workout at least 4 times a week now and look forward to it. Used to get tired just watching people exercise. (Lost 38 lb's so far) Trying to not look past today (1 day at a time). As I'm typing I'm looking out the window at the San Gabriel mountains covered with snow - Beautiful - 1 of God's little gifts I used to take for granted. Never noticed them much before.

Dave

[familyman dave]

Was not feeling too encouraged today. Finished my workout and came home. Coming home to an empty house sometimes gets to me. Hadn't heard from any of my kid's today. Damn loneliness. Made a quick dinner and decided to take a look at a book that's been sitting on the bookshelf since when the W was still here. It's a book of devotionals for couples. Opened it to a random page. It talked about when crises occur in our lives it is an opportunity for spiritual growth. During these times is when God wants to do something with our lives. It referred to Isaiah 43 (gotta admit I haven't been a regular Bible reader) where God declares he will be with us during these difficult times. The book asks will we remember this when we are discouraged, when we feel we have nothing left to give in our marital relationship, when we feel we are alone and no one cares. Why did I pick up the book? Why did it open to that page? I don't think it was a coincidence. It comforted me big time and reminded me He is in control and will eventually reveal what will happen and what He wants me to do with the rest of my life. I hope this encourages anyone reading this who is feeling discouraged.