I have a bit of a suspicion that fear of rejection might be what's stopping him, combined with him just having moved, trying to get settled in and get job stuff sorted out and being just plain busy.
Perhaps you could call and offer to help him unpack or have dinner? Especially if you take a day off from him, like yesterday, and keep an eye on him to see if he's feeling R claustrophobic I say try and keep communication open. He may just need some indications of interest from you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I feel that way too. I really feel like it may be fear of rejection. But it has been ingrained in me now not to take the initiative...so now I am scared to do that. Maybe he does need to know that I want to work on this. Maybe he is wondering what is going through MY mind. I just hate all this, it feels like such a game....I just want to act the way I WANT to act around H without being so worried about his reaction. ...Ok, enough whining.
A part of me wants to call him to go out and do something tonight...the other part of me just wants to go out and have fun without him so I don't have to be on eggshells. I had a really bad day at work yesterday and today and now just want to relax this weekend. Who knows what I will do. Maybe I will wait and call tomorrow.
No word from H. I went out last night, I didn't call him...I did have a good time though. I am thinking about giving him a call today....maybe I am afraid of that rejection too. It just feels weird for him to be here and for me to not see him. I saw him more when he was just visiting. He actually made an effort to see me when he was visiting. Things just aren't really making sense to me right now.
I know it doesn't make everything better, but when he was just visiting he didn't bring anything with him - his stuff, his job, his stress was all a couple states away. Now, he's dealing with the day to day stuff on top of just moving and in addition to making time for you - throw in the uncertainty you both are feeling and it's quite a pot of emotional soup.
I'm glad you had a good time last night.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, I went over there today. I did bring up the R. I told him that I just didn't even know how to act around him. He told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He said when it came down to it he just didn't have the balls to go through with the divorce. He said a part of him was hoping that I would get to the point where I would just do it. Then he said he didn't want to be "divorced". He also said that when it didn't go through that day (something wrong with paperwork), that he took it as a sign that maybe he should wait.
I asked him then why did he tell me he wanted to work things out at Thanksgiving. He said that part of him does, but he just doesn't think he is ready for it emotionally. Says that he can't be what I need him to be right now.
My B'day is next week and he did say that he wanted to take me out. So I guess we'll see how that goes. I don't feel any better after the talk, actually I feel worse.
I am beginning to wonder if I even want to work it out. I am just so tired of the drama, I am so tired of the eggshells, I am so tired of feeling like I am competing with OW. I have noticed I was in a better mood when I had accepted it and moved on. Now I am back to crying a lot. I hate feeling like this. A part of me just wants to tell him that I am done. A part of me wants to cut all ties and just move on. Maybe I am just weak, but I can't take much more of this.
I can totally understand how exhausting all the drama is and how tired you are of being the one doing all the R work.
I think the moral of the story is don't bring up R talk for a while yet. If you want to keep going, you need to think about the things you were doing while he was gone that you have stopped doing since he moved. Whatever he is saying, his backpedaling from filing for D and admitting he may want to work on the R are very big signs that your DBing was working - both at getting his attention and at making you happy.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm new to your thread, but I think you should hang in there, if you can. If it helps at all (and forgive me if this doesnt, but I am struck by the number of people on this site who are suffering from 7 year Saturn cycles)...your H has been going through whats called his "Saturn Return", which hits at between 27 1/2 and 30. Look it up on Google for more info.
Thats what was probs going on when he first left. It causes changes and puts you through tough lessons and can be quite depressing. It tests the things in your life (like careers and relationships) to make you grow and see if these things are still serving you. Hes may still be moving through this process and believe me its no picnic. He may not even realise right now, but he probably will when he looks back on this and appreciates how hard it was for him. You are younger, so it hasnt hit you yet.
I'm no expert...(my BF just moved out today :-( !) but if you are his friend and dont pressure him, but be understanding..who knows? Saturn is like "the cross we have to bear" in other words, its like a heavy weight around us and it can feel oppressive and stressful, whether you chose more responsibility (in the case of those who marry/start a family at this age) or if you feel like life is dragging you down unwittingly. As I said, its maybe even a little depressing. Its not lighthearted or fun, its about hard lessons, working hard, trying to establish a career and facing up to responsibilities.
Maybe just try and not be another pressure, but acknowledge that he is going through effectively "growing pains"? I guess that ties in with the DB principles...I wish you luck !
I guess the reason I am feeling so angry right now is because I HAD moved on. He was mean, cold and hateful. I didn't want any part of it. The D was supposed to be final on Nov. 14th and I had moved on, trying to find happiness without him. I had let go. Then he called me. He was sorry, he wanted to work things out, he said he couldn't believe the things he had said and done. Then I felt like I had to put my "new" life on hold to see what would happen with us. I was going out a lot and flirting a lot...just things I don't feel like I should be doing if I have a H at home that I am working things out with. He was sure. Now he isn't sure. I feel like I am going through the initial separation all over again.
Hmmm..the things that I have changed since he moved here. I guess I am doing more waiting for him to call me, probably not going out as much, just doing more thinking about the R in general. I keep saying I need to detach, it is just so hard with him here.
When he was visiting he would call me, seem happy to see me. We ML several times. There was no awkwardness. We felt comfortable around each other and it seemed like he knew what he wanted. Now he says if we ML that it will give me false hope. Then why was it ok a couple of weeks ago?
I know he has the stress here with him now and I don't want to add to that. He says he definitely wants to be friends right now. What frustrates me about that is that he put so much time into "friendship" with OW (spent probably 8 hours a day on the phone and sent about 50 texts a day!)....but he can't even call me? He never put that much effort into our relationship, it was always me. He says he just doesn't know what to say if he calls. I know that I am whining, but I just need to vent a little. I just haven't felt this down about everything in a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to let OW go. How do you get over a betrayal like that.
You're right Michelle, no more R talk. ..Kind of makes me feel like a doormat though. Like he can do what he wants and I will still be here...just doesn't feel right.
I definitely sympathize with the doormat feeling. I feel like I have been letting H eat cake a bit with the OW situation. But, as author Susan Page says, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? You were happy before or you wouldn't be fighting so darn hard for your M.
I think he is doing some predictable yo-yoing. I've seen a lot of WAS' on this board who make overtures and then withdraw. Combined with the fact that he obviously was feeling some connection to you through ML, he sounds scared $h!tless. Perhaps you can find a way to reassure him that you don't have so many hopes and that your expectations are still low. Somehow, he is either making up his own expectations or picking up on yours - that now that he's professed intent to work on M, things should go back to normal. He sounds terrified that things will go back to how they were.
In your position, I would definitely be worried about ML as well. My H definitely feels connected through physical contact - in fact, I'd say it's his primary LL along with words of affirmation (he denies the second, and says first is his only LL). Maybe you can find a way to make it appear less R/M like and more just plain sexual?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
