Nope! not florida. But the counselor said that most major metro areas across the USA have the same requirement. I have a friend who is a social worker, who said in her previous town, she led that course for divorcing parents. So I guess it is pretty common.
"validate her feeling that she was abused in the marriage"
Make sure you are validating her feelings of abuse, but not validating abuse. My point is be very careful what you do, say and especially any written correspondence.
This can be used against you in court.
If you are worried you may have some control or possible "battering" issues (or want to explore that), do this through a good therapist unrelated to any court programs or anything she has recommended. You do not want this affecting your custody. Approach this as an exploration of general personal growth (improving future relationships).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Running, thank you. By my own good fortune I have a friend who looked over the letter I sent, and that was his feedback exactly. In fact the way I had originally worded it, I took on too much responsibility for abuse. Choc, this is exactly what you had said to me previously here.
My wording was not explicit ("I agree that I abused you"), but my friend felt it cross the line you described. I re-worded it to clearly validate her feelings of abuse without accepting blame for actually being abusive. here's some of the relevant part:
Quote:
Your note said you felt constant criticism in our marriage – that I thought you were never clean enough, healthy enough, you never had a good enough job, and some other things. I am so sorry. Feeling that criticism, I can see that was hell for you. You said I kept you from your hobbies, from your family, and rejected your thoughts. I never intended to do any of this. I can see how horrible this felt for you. You said I didn’t appreciate you, except for mothering and cooking. That had to feel awful. In my heart I did appreciate you, for your creativity, your energy, your ability to bring people together, your sense of fun, your empathy, your sense of calm under pressure. I saw all that and loved it. It’s too bad I didn’t show my appreciation.
I would post it all but it is pretty lengthy. And a little too personal.
The upshot is, it is a letting go letter. I'm sorry she had to endure all this. I wish it wasn't that way for her. I wish I could erase all that for her. I'm letting her choose her course now.
Coincidentally, the same day I got an email from a college buddy containing photos of W and I in happier times. She wasn't looking too abused in those photos of us, smiling arm-in-arm.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Two days ago; in response to a "dear, john" type letter she handed me, three weeks ago.
By the way, I should say, we had 4 months of MC, and these issues that she raised in her letter are not new. I accepted my part then, and committed to working on them.
It's partly a re-do of that discussion, except this time I am saying "I'm letting you go." I am happy to be having this discussion with her, even if it is not in person and in super slo mo. Having the conv through printed letters may actually be helpful, because it reduces the chances for over-reacting or reacting in the heat of the moment.
here's more:
Quote:
I held on so tightly, holding you back, frightening you. I am so sorry. I regret some of my behavior, but I do not regret the effort and passion I put into keeping our family together. I am sorry that I didn’t want to allow you to chart your own course. I’ve been thinking. Slowly. Quietly. And what I found is: Deep down I really want you to be happy. And if you are not happy staying with me, ok. I still want you to be happy, with whatever course you choose for yourself. I want that very much. I know you’ll be happy. I’m getting out of the way.
In fact the way I had originally worded it, I took on too much responsibility for abuse.
In my opinion, you still are. I know you are hurting, but you are SO full of "I'm sorry's" right now, that you are coming across as taking the blame for your wife's decision to have an affair. Until you stop doing that, I don't think she'll respond to you.
You need to better find that line between accepting your 50% responsibility for the condidtions that led up to her decision, but NOT take ANY responsibility for the decision itself.
It's a fine line, but it's a critical one, and if you miss the mark, you come across as WEAK. I think you're struggling at it.
I am feeling weak, yes. I have lost my wife, I'm out of my house, I see my kids once or twice a week. I am in a position of weakness. I feel beaten, beat up.
With the i'm sorry's I'm trying to empathize and show her that I understand. as opposed to take responsibility for it.
Sometimes it tears me up inside to know that she ran off with my best friend, then got ticked at me for being broken up about it, and then used my behavior during that time as a justification to break up the family.
Other times I feel like someone has to be the stander here.
The bad thing about *sending* letters is they smack of pursuit even if you are attempting to "let go." You only let go by completely stopping that type of correspondence (and all relationship talk) and working on yourself.
Also, a relationship letter about all the cr@p only reminds them more of why they want to leave you. It only confirms it further in their mind.
Heck, leave the past behind, move forward. Pull your feet out of that muck. Quit rehashing it all. A very simple sorry about all the misunderstandings and then changing the subject would have been sufficient.
Stop the relationship talk. Work on creating "light" positive experiences and memories stop bringing up the "heavy" negative stuff. Time is ticking and you need to fast forward through the cr@p.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
