OK not a lot new. Planning on our "date" tonight, hope it actually happens. But something new to consider. This morning H was crying bc he forgot about my hair appointment and made plans to move hay all day, but be home tonight for our evening together. And home tomorrow to play with the kids all day. But he isn't a big cryer normally, and now he does it a lot. He kept saying things like, "I screw everything up. I am just so tired of trying." At one point he actually said, "I think I am depressed maybe". I jumped on that one and said I had been worried about that too. It sure would explain a lot. I told him he should get to a doctor and talk about it, and possibly try to get on medication.
If there is a real depression issue, that would help explain his feelings. He says he wants to be with me, he wants our M to work, but he is so overwhelmed w/unhappiness about how things have turned out, and about his stressful job, and other life situations that he can't think straight enough to try to fix things. He said it seems there is just so much that has to change
remember, he is probably quitting his job, moving 3 hours away, starting a new job, finding a place to live, etc. on top of working on "us"
that he doesn't know how he will ever do it all. At one point he said, "I just almost want to give up trying on everything". That scared me b/c it sounded like a reference to hurting himself. I told him the kids would need their Dad forever and he could never give up trying on everything. He said he knew that, it just felt that way sometimes. So now I think I am dealing w/a depressed spouse. Don't know what to do.
Part of me wants to make him leave the home b/c he is still screwing up (he got home last night at 3:45 a.m. and had to have a friend drive him home, not from being drunk he claims from not being able to focus enough to drive he is so unhappy; and he forgot it was his day with the kids while I did something nice for myself today, even though he was gone past midnight 3 out of the past 4 nights), but part of me wants to stay here b/c I am worried if he is depressed and I make him leave that will be the last straw, I will be "giving up" on him.
Last night at 4 am we were talking. I asked if he wanted a blanket or a drink of water, he was a little out of it. He said a blanket would be nice. Then we talked about us, I said I can't keep trying by myself, he can't keep coming in at all hours but say he wants to be with me. I said I have told you what I need from you, [touch and verbal affirmation, which he has started doing again the past 3 days] what do you need from me?
His answer? "Keep bringing me a blanket". I took that to mean acts of service. So I said, "Do you also like when I wash your clothes--since the A I have debated leaving his stuff in the hamper and letting him fend for himself but I haven't--or cook dinner for you and the kids, or make sure we have the pop and snacks you like in the fridge for when you want them?"
He said, "Yeah, all of those things are what I like you to do for me. I want you to keep doing them it means something to me."
So are we making baby steps? Do I dwell on the staying out and blowing off my appointment? Or do I focus on the fact that he is sharing his feelings with me, telling me what he likes me to do for him (even if I drag it out of him), and starting to touch me and say he loves me again?
p.s. His mom called this morning. They went to dinner Thursday after his interview. They had a long conversation about our R (how weird when we hardly do that!) and H told his mom that he doesn't want to leave us, when it comes to actually leaving/moving out he can't do it, he wants his wife and kids. He just doesn't know how to make it work. So I guess that is encouraging, at least he wants it to work....
