Ongoing affair, D papers filed, advice wanted

[SirPrizeMe]

Running, thank you. By my own good fortune I have a friend who looked over the letter I sent, and that was his feedback exactly. In fact the way I had originally worded it, I took on too much responsibility for abuse. Choc, this is exactly what you had said to me previously here.

My wording was not explicit ("I agree that I abused you"), but my friend felt it cross the line you described. I re-worded it to clearly validate her feelings of abuse without accepting blame for actually being abusive. here's some of the relevant part:

Your note said you felt constant criticism in our marriage – that I thought you were never clean enough, healthy enough, you never had a good enough job, and some other things. I am so sorry. Feeling that criticism, I can see that was hell for you. You said I kept you from your hobbies, from your family, and rejected your thoughts. I never intended to do any of this. I can see how horrible this felt for you. You said I didn’t appreciate you, except for mothering and cooking. That had to feel awful. In my heart I did appreciate you, for your creativity, your energy, your ability to bring people together, your sense of fun, your empathy, your sense of calm under pressure. I saw all that and loved it. It’s too bad I didn’t show my appreciation.

I would post it all but it is pretty lengthy. And a little too personal.

The upshot is, it is a letting go letter. I'm sorry she had to endure all this. I wish it wasn't that way for her. I wish I could erase all that for her. I'm letting her choose her course now.

Coincidentally, the same day I got an email from a college buddy containing photos of W and I in happier times. She wasn't looking too abused in those photos of us, smiling arm-in-arm.