Great thread. Sorry - can not really add much, but I just wanted to indicate that you seem to have a pretty good grasp on this stuff. Additionally, your sitch is very similar to mine - ages, OM, snooping, etc..
However, my W moved out last Feb, while you still live together - correct?
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM