Sure thing, Rob! I'm here. I don't have all the answers, but there's a good group here, we all support each other.I never thought I'd be part of something like this, but now that I am here, I get a lot of value out of the support.
About the rollercoaster - that's par for the course.
You think she is checked out, but she is watching you from her alien world. It's likely that deep down, without her admitting it, she wants what any woman + mother wants - a stable, reliable, solid man for a husband and father of her child. Even while she is doing her MLC dance.
A husband prone to begging, pouting, crying and pleading is not what she wants. Almost unfair, but what she wants (secretly, but deeply) is for you to stand for her while she falls completely apart. She wants someone who is clear headed under pressure, stable and reliable, regardless what she says now. Can you be that person? That means, Go to work. Do your job. Come home. Be the parent. Let her know where you will be. Act as if. Love your daughter limitlessly, ravenously. can you do that? Your W's moods, erratic behavior and drinking need not get you off track. Her mood need not dictate your mood.
You can't really get "off" the rollercoaster, but you can prepare for it and strap yourself in so that you don't get tossed around so much.
On the W drinking - that's her thing. I'd advise you to mostly stay out of it, don't confront her on it, don't demand she stop, don't nag her about it. Don't cut out articles about excessive drinking and leave them around for her to see.
For my part, when my wife was drinking too much, I stopped drinking with her, I stopped buying it and stocking it in the house, but I did not pour any of it out. I did not nag her or even raise my eyebrow when she kept filling her glass. But I didn't hang out with her when she drank, either. I let her handle it. Eventually she stopped drinking on her own. When she stopped, she said it was causing her to gain too much weight. Bullspit. She knew she had a problem. But I did not confront her on this. I just said, "oh, yeah, that's a lot of enpty calories." Just supporting her.
Drinking was never the main problem for us. Now she is drinking moderately. The way I handled the drinking - a gentle and indirect approach - not active discouragement, but total lack of encouragement for her drinking, I guess - I think it is a good pattern: you take care of your side of the street, let her take care of hers. That approach can work in other situations, too.
And in the big picture, that is the only thing that will work for the affair, too. You cannot end it. Confronting her on it, demanding that she stop, nagging her about it -- all counterproductive. It's ok to tell her how you feel about her in the marriage, about commitment and family values and all.
Yes, YYOU cannot end it. Only SHE can end it. Huge lesson for me. I tried ending my wife's affair. I wanted so badly for it to be over. I demanded she change her cell phone number. I told her to suspend her secret email account. I read all about ending affairs and directed what we'd do. All this time she was shellshocked at my having discovered the infidelity. And so she did all that I said, took all the concrete steps to ending the affair, and at the time I was glad. But the problem was, the effort and intention didn't come from within HER. It came from me. And so 2 problems: 1. the affair wasn't REALLY over. She went right back to him, secret calling cards, more secret email, and all that. 2. she felt controlled by me, and really resented it. The fact that I told her how to stop the affair - It made her want to have an affair more strongly. weird as that sounds.
So what I am saying is, if the marriage is to survive (and I know just reading that is probably hard for you now), she's going to have to take a decision, make a choice, and live with that intention. You cannot do it for her. Trying to do it for her will not work. All you can do is gently, gently show her the way.
Even though it is heartwrenching and nauseating that she has left your marriage, you can console yourself in the knowledge that these things do not last. Affairs burn out. All wise counselors say it, but the people experiencing the betrayal still don't get it. I certainly didn't. Here's your job: ride out the storm. Don't freak. Don't fly off the handle. Ride it out. Wait, and work your side of the street. The affair will end, bank on it. Freaking will cause more damage than the affair.
It seems like it will never end. They seem so sure in their "love". My W had finally found her "soulmate" after all those eyars of wandering in the desert that was our marriage. I started believing her. It was all false. The physical affair has ended. OM moved on to fcuk other women. the emotional affair is dying too. I should have waited more patiently. It was excruciating.
This is why DB principles say: Do not initiate relationship talk. They need to take the initiative on their own. If they do initiate an R talk, then you follow. But follow gently. Don't take the lead. Be careful with the truth, since too much honesty all at one can be overwhelming. Let them take the action. That's what you need for a healthy marriage. You need your spouse to take constructive action on her own.
anyway getting back to the rollercoaster - do stuff you love. Get some exercise. Spend an hour every day doing something that helps you feel comofortable and happy. That will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs. I won't call them surprises, because, ... you know it's coming. you just don't know what exactly is coming. it's like weather. It's coming, and there's nothing you can do about it, so just be prepared to deal with it. (Maybe that analogy doesn't work if you are in arizona someplace where the weather is always the same? but you get the point.)
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
