I see a lot of the reasons for the affair I believe were I was depressed and too dependent and needy on my spouse and on his side that he had anger issues (think he is still angry with me by his behaviors) and spent too much time away from home. I think you need time together to have a good marriage and we just didn't have that b/c of H's job, running, and friends. If we ever reconcile I would like to work on having some shared hobbies together, either running or whatever. H is getting counseling for his anger so hopefully that will help him. I am sad for him that as I am GALing he seems to be dropping all his activities and just focusing on the OW. Hopefully as I get stronger and healthier, he will someday as well???
I agree that it is not just as simple as having the OW out of the picture. Although I think that would be a huge step of course! I'm seeing the therapist, DB'ing, working out 6 days a week, have lost 30 pounds (trying to lose 40 pounds), work 60 hours a week cleaning the house and educating the kids, will be trying out for a play (singing and acting) Feb. 4th which is something I never would have done ever before this because I am the shyest person ever and I'm not that good a singer!); talking to friends and family every day for support instead of H, teaching Sunday School, etc. I've even been thinking about actually writing some fiction too which I've always wanted to do, but never done because I've just never taken the time, but I really like to write and had taken a lot of English classes in college, so maybe I'll do that as well. (and give you all a break!!!) Karen43
The kids and I had a nice quiet night last night together as always. My S14 and I have colds, so just spent the night watching TV together. D8 asked H to play her favorite game, Pet Shop, with us, and take a break from his stripping paint on the porch which he has now been doing for the past 3 or 4 weeks. He came in and was totally stressed out, and saying he had to get right back to stripping (and I'm sure he wanted to get back to texting the OW) and saying he just couldn't take much time, we needed to hurry.
I mean this game takes 5 to 10 minutes and he couldn't just focus on being with his daughter and having fun; it was so sad! Every time it was our turn to spin, he was saying "spin, spin" trying to rush us. It was horrible. The game lasted 10 minutes and I couldn't wait for him to leave and he rushed out to the porch as soon as it ended to go strip paint/text the OW.
I played another game with my D after and it was much more relaxed of course, since I'm normal, and it lasted about 5 minutes! (The crack addict analogy I gave earlier is really so right on for him right now I would say.)
He is out with the OW again this morning, but ever since I figured out they spend the weekend mornings/early afternoons at McDonalds ballpits with her kids (and its freezing this morning) I am not quite as jealous somehow, it doesn't sound that romantic to me!!! Karen43
I think you need to try again to establish a boundary with your husband of "no texting OW from our home." It's not only affecting YOUR mood and self-confidence, but it's affecting your daughter now, too.
Make him go stand at the end of your driveway and do it, like a smoker.
I think you need to try again to establish a boundary with your husband of "no texting OW from our home."
Yes Yes Yes!!
This made an enormous difference to me back when I first found out about the A. I told H that the house is MY safety zone and he needs to keep anything to do w/ow out of it!!
H does now text out of my sight and the kid's sight, doing so in his car or in bathrooms, etc.(We were at a restaurant last weekend and he forgot to lock the bathroom door and someone opened it and my H was texting the OW when they opened the door!), and has been doing that for about 2 weeks unless I walk up on him unannounced and then he does try to end it quickly so he has tried to do it out of my sight. I assume maybe his therapist or finally a friend he talked to probably made him see my side of that or for whatever reason he did stop that behavior. So that is a major relief!!!!
So that's why I say he texts to her on the porch when we are not there, and his probable rush back to the porch where he has been stripping paint. I really don't have a problem with him doing that as that is outside the house & I'm not there. I just think that his behavior to rush back to his texting area there is just really pathetic, addictive behavior though and not even being able to enjoy 5 or 10 minutes with his daughter away from being able to text the OW is so sad. I guess he can't see that at all though!!! And honestly, I don't believe I could stop him from texting her at all. He is totally an addict, just stopping from texting her for those 10 minutes I think practically killed the guy! Very, very sad...
I would hope in time, his obsession with her would lessen, and he would not feel the need to be with her and text her 24/7???? Or one of them would want to get a life or something??? The wild thing is the OW is married with kids and you would think with having a husband and kids it would be tough for her to be constantly texting and meeting with H as well? I feel sorry for her poor children that is for sure. Hopefully they have a good dad or grandmother or something that is paying attention to them now (because I know their mother is busy with my H 40+ hours a week!)
I asked him if he was going to go to church tomorrow with the family since he hasn't the last month or so and he said he is thinking about it. I asked him if he is still going to AA, which I am afraid he is not, and he said he is, but I don't know about that (H is not always honest, esp. not lately I don't think). I told him it would be a shame if he lost his sobriety too. H didn't say anything. Karen43
It's so sad that most of the time both parties are married with children. They just don't seem to care what they are doing to their families. My H once told me, "I have to be happy too." I said,"Well, I hope you are happy, because no one else in our family is." By the way this just went right over his head. We can talk until we are blue in the face and it won't get to them. So the best thing we can do is to take care of ourselves and our children.
Sorry that you are going through this.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks Yoyo! I wonder if the reason they are married with children and having affairs is that they just want to escape or something; can't handle the responsibility of real life. And then it's people like you and I that pick up the slack & take care of our children while they are off acting like children themselves.
I have good news: I talked to my brother today. His biopsy came back yesterday. His tumor is benign; so he does not have the big C! I am so happy! It's so great to have that worry over finally. He is tired and resting (he sounds exhausted), but he is going to try to get back to work in a month! He is 100% sounding like my brother too with his memory and speech and everything, it's amazing!!! He again tried to spend most of his conversation worried about me typical big brother!!! Karen43
