I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I thought I would be much further along in my own growth or acceptance by now. I feel stuck. I keep trying to think my way out of this, but I can't even settle on what attitude I am going for. I think that one of my biggest struggles is with trying to move on in my own life and not be dependent on his actions/choices for my happiness, but at the same time keeping myself emotionally open to the hope of reconciling. In one of my IC sessions, we talked about "hope for the best and prepare for the worst", but I don't seem to be able to strike that balance in my own actions or thinking. To really detach, I feel like I would have to be done with him and I'm not ready for that. When I try to be hopeful, I feel like a delusional idiot. So, I just go along day by day, week by week with no encouragement about our M and no resolution.

I've been GAL - I've done more socializing in the last couple of months than I had done the last couple of years. All low key - new book club, walks/lunch/dinner/movies with friends, made a couple of new friends. It's been great, and it makes life more fulfilling, but it obviously doesn't fill the hole in my life. I've been single and fine with it. I didn't get M until 35, so I had time in my life to be on my own and thrived. I didn't seek marriage as a way to make myself OK, but when I did decide to M, I wanted a true life partnership and fully committed to that. I can't seem to shift gears and step back or away from that commitment.

I've been stressing more the last few days because we have MC coming up on Monday. This will be the first one in a month. We were supposed to have a session a couple of weeks ago but H had a work conflict and the C couldn't/wouldn't reschedule - just decided to wait for 1/28. In our last MC (12/26), H said that the basic issue was his need to spend time with family/friends. Summarizing - I said we could fix that and that I was sorry he had thought he didn't have that kind of freedom in the M. Since then, nothing. Meanwhile, I haven't seen H since 1/5 and we have spoken for maybe 30 minutes for phone for different "transactions" - nothing of a personal or connecting nature. No "hi, how are you" or anything conversational. It feels like we are not on speaking terms and I don't know why.

I am not seeing how MC is or will be helpful. I am anxious about the whole thing. It is very hard for me to be myself around H when we have so little contact. I feel anxious about everything that I say or do because it seems to carry so much weight when you get an hour a month to communicate. I didn't really believe anything that he was saying in the last session, but I also felt like I had to go with it. What he says is all I have to work with. But his actions tell their own story and give me nothing. What are we going to talk about in MC? It would have seemed like our last session gave an opening for us to start to work things out, but that's not true. So, I need to spend some time this w/e trying to figure out how I can DB in the session and still be genuine. I know for example that the C will ask how I feel about NC for a month. The true answer is that I feel rejected and abandoned. That is not a DB statement, so I need to say something like "it's hard for me, but I accept that H needs his space right now and it's important for me to give it to him". Then, my little voice says to myself "this is crap and we're sick of it". Exhausting.